Dreamcatcher of the night Look at what I’ve done. I’m in a bad way now.
He told me no more fight No more hide & run Hold it inside somehow.
How?
Touch me on the arm again with all your little strings, your little strings, oh god I can feel them coming now with all their little wings, their little wings And they tell me that someone is on my side.
I did it. Spit it out. Pin me by the neck. Didn’t obey his will.
Soft voices. Close my eyes. I know what I get. Reach for another pill.
Uphill.
Come onto my head again with all your little strings, your little strings, oh god I can feel them coming now with all their golden wings, their golden wings And they tell me that someone is on my side.
I’ve been trying for a while to post something on here & written about 50 blog posts which I didn’t publish due to a desire for invisibility. I toggle between urges to be visible & invisible based on which seems the safest.
On the one hand, people knowing you exist makes you safe. It increases the odds that someone would notice if you went missing. Perhaps in extreme cases, someone would come to your aid. On the other hand, the more people know you exist the more enemies you have. And the more information they have about you, the more nooks & crannies for landing their little arrows. The wider you stretch out your personality, the larger the target becomes.
Still though, I consider it part of my destiny to try and trust in the soft mush of faceless unseen people & to believe that something good might emerge from that mush one day.
***
He points the gun at me I say please don’t shoot He says, ‘What makes you think I would do that to you? After all that I’ve done that’s the way that you see me? Then walk out that door cause you might as well leave me.’
Oh no…. my brain…..something cracking inside Please I need to find darkness some place I can hide Just climb under the bed, just lie there very still I wish someone would find me but they never will.
Walking around it’s a daze in my mind now The flowers are blooming, the sun is behind now But inside it’s raining I can’t make it stop And I bite on my tongue cause I need not to talk.
Oh no…. my head… something breaking inside Now I need to find shelter some place I can hide But behind every door there’s a man with a new gun There’s no where to go if I had the strength to run.
Clouds in the sky I don’t think I can join you So fluffy and free all the bullet pass through you You’ve nothing to fear and you rain when you want to I wish you saw me I need someone to talk to.
Oh no… my heart… something breaking inside Can you hold it together until we can hide? Just climb under the bed just lie there very still I wish someone would find us but they never will.
He points the gun at me I say please don’t shoot He says what makes you think I would do that to you? After all that I’ve done that’s the way that you see me? Then walk out that door cause you might as well leave me.
Oh no…. my brain…..something cracking inside Please I need to find darkness some place I can hide Just climb under the bed, just lie there very still I wish someone would find me but they never will.
Walking around it’s a haze in my mind now And the flowers are blooming, the sun is behind now But inside it’s raining I can’t make it stop And I bite on my tongue cause I need not to talk.
Oh no…. my head… something breaking inside Now I need to find shelter some place I can hide But behind every door there’s a man with a new gun There’s no where to go if I had the strength to run.
Clouds in the sky I don’t think I can join you So fluffy and free all the bullet pass through you You’ve nothing to fear and you rain when you want to I wish you saw me I need someone to talk to.
Oh no… my heart… something breaking inside Can you hold it together until we can hide? Just climb under the bed just lie there very still I wish someone would find us but they never will.
In your hand was the green and it felt like the dream that you wanted for me. You were muscular yes so I gave you my best still your hand held the key.
And I pleaded, because I want to feel needed to be broken and bleeded by something so bright. Like you found me, your arms wrapped around me the sun shining down me, I’m covered in light.
And you eyes like the sky spinning blue round the mind that you opened for me. Warming up to your smile gazing back for a while still your hand held the key.
And you taught me to learn how to cower to be overpowered by something so bright. I conceded because I want to feel needed to be broken and bleeded and covered in light.
With your hands on my arms, have I been here before? With your hand in my mouth and a light through the door? There’s no need to scream, there’s no need to escape he is pushing me through space.
Though the asphalt was cracked still I leapt like a dragonfly smiling inside. You gave me butterfly wings all the beautiful things that you grow when you hide.
Like a flower, to be overpowered to learn how to cower and crush in the night. In the doorway, your shadow before me until there’s no more me, I’m covered in light.
I am still in a mute phase where I have nothing to say, but am forcing myself to write one quick paragraph anyway. It is funny, because I can write endlessly on Facebook but that is because I am simply responding to a sea of people and not having to pull anything from within myself. Left to my own devices, I am clear and flavorless jelly, I think.
Drag me cross the floor Tell me that I’m dead Music fills my ears Lightning fills my head and it’s like ah….You’ve been there all along.
Push me on the ground Pick me up again Push me down and laugh at me You don’t know who I am and it’s like ah…. I’ve been here all along.
And now I’m standing in a night so clear The air so still The stars so near It’s like I’ve reached the gleaming atmosphere.
Staring at the wall Water in my hand No one there to hold me and I don’t know who I am And it’s like ah… I’ve been here all along
Dreams that slip away from you somehow when I didn’t know how To hold onto the bottle for myself. Dreams that lead the way for your somehow when I didn’t know how To follow down the glassy road myself.
Pull me to the stairs Hold me in your hands Who knows what you’ll do this time or where the dice will land And it’s like ah… we’ve been here all along.
And now I’m standing in a world so blue A sphere so far away from you
A stream that leads me down so low There is no me I flow and flow
A world so far away and clear The music plays, the stars are near It’s like I’ve reached the gleaming atmosphere.
Meeting the perfect, ultimate man at the mall… but this was from a few months ago when malls were still allowed to be open. 🙁
When I don’t listen you hold a pillow over my face til I do.
That’s why I don’t think you will ever love me now- you’ll find somebody new.
And I swear I wouldn’t care so long as you felt it was wrong
to just grab me by the neck and throw me up against a wall
but when i ask you bout it you tell me that you don’t want to pop
but the crying noise just has to stop.
Sometimes I close my eyes and see a world that’s black with men as white as stars.
Just like a globe that I could shake and shake each time that things have gone too far.
Something I could hold just like a globe inside my hands
So I shake it and I shake it- oh look here comes a man
But he is trapped inside the globe- he’s only one inch high
There is no place to run and hide.
Give it just a little more time. This may only be in your mind.
There’s no way to say what is real and what is make believe you know.
Look at all the stars in the sky, girl. You could find a way to get high, girl.
You could fly away into a state of ecstasy and glee you know.
I know I will stay.
Life- lay your hand on me and guide me on my way.
I stay up late at night and make a list of ways to make you love me more.
I know it won’t succeed cause men they only love the ones they’re fighting for.
And I’d do anything on earth if you would fall in love with me
But there are things I can’t control, I don’t know what you want to see.
The only thing I know for sure is that you like to be alone
But either way, you are my home.
‘Oh! I wish you were dead. Then I could get some sleep, just please put a bullet in your head. Oh! You better not speak again.’ Slide to the floor, let it hold me once more, my thick and heavy friend.
Here come the Lights! Here come the Lights! I’ll follow them now, though they’re guiding me down Because they’ve come to set things right. Here come the Lights!
Oh! It’s like a parade- Everyone dancing around in the sun while I’m searching for the shade Or someone who can help me understand the things I’ve seen; But the dark world engulfs me, he’ll never let go because I am his queen.
Here come the Lights! Here come the Lights! I’ll follow them now, though they’re guiding me down Because they’ve come to set things right. Here come the Lights!
Oh! So this is the night? And these are the friends who slide under the door in the guise of liquid light? Oh! This is the Column of Heat! You have arrived, now I will shut my eyes because I know it’s safe to sleep.
Here come the Lights! Here come the Lights! I’ll follow them now, though they’re guiding me down Because they’ve come to set things right. Here come the Lights!
