(Originally published February 4, 2023 then lost in server crash & resurrected on this day.)
Since I am currently having a Saturn transit I am torn between my desire to crawl under a rock and that voice which tells you you must always press forward so I’m just going to publish this then go hide.
Cold tea, dance with me Give me something more to eat Hold my head & help me find the sun.
Red fire, warm & bright Stay with me for one more night Tomorrow we go pay for what we’ve done.
You are my red eye by & by You are my fire come from the sky Now take my head & tell me what I need to know this time.
Like a slave I was placed on earth to follow. Like a dog, put down when I’m wrong. But I won’t break at a jagged fate to swallow You just play; I sing along.
Words spin round and round Only sky where was the ground? Leave my house you dirty cunt I’m done.
Fist eye, hot head fly Falling down the stairs was I Hold my head & tell me I was fun.
You are my best friend by & by You are my fire come from the sky Now take my head and tell me what I need to know this time.
Like a slave I was placed on earth to follow. Like a dog, put down when I’m wrong. But I won’t break at a jagged fate to swallow You just play; I sing along.
Come to me love like a bone The only love I’ve ever known A spark of light then miles and miles of dark.
Burning hands and sparkly eyes And miles and miles away the skies To settle down around around us in the park.
Like a slave I was placed on earth to follow. Like a dog, put down when I’m wrong. But I won’t break at a jagged fate to swallow You just play; I sing along.
(Originally published February 15th 2023 then lost in server crash.)
Basically this is the audio to the video I just uploaded because I’m too lazy to do another recording. Well not too lazy exactly. Can I just rant for one minute?
Imagine you are a straight male musician & you love writing songs. But every time you write a song you are required to get fucked up the ass, beat up by three muscle men & left on the side of the highway to walk home.
That is how I feel because every time I write a song- which I like- I then have to record it which I hate. I hate wires and machines and weird pieces of black plastic. I hate computer interfaces filled with random squiggles. I have no idea what anything means. And just the mechanical nature of sound itself. Why is this staticy? Why do I sound a million miles away? I don’t know!! It all feels….. beyond what humans are meant to know. It makes me want to cry.
But now I must stop complaining. And remember the words of my friends.
Thorney: Inch by inch, it becomes a cinch.
Moxy: To every problem, there is a practical solution.
Dad/Nietzche: That which does not kill you makes you stronger.
Dad/Schwarzennegger: No pain no gain.
Dad: Bend over and grab your ankles.
Cold tea, dance with me Give me something more to eat Hold my head & help me find the sun.
Red fire, warm & bright Stay with me for one more night Tomorrow we go pay for what we’ve done.
You are my red eye by & by You are my fire come from the sky Now take my head & tell me what I need to know this time.
Like a slave I was placed on earth to follow. Like a dog, put down when I’m wrong. But I won’t break at a jagged fate to swallow You just play; I sing along.
Words spin round and round Only sky where was the ground? Leave my house you dirty cunt I’m done.
Fist eye, hot head fly Falling down the stairs was I Hold my head & tell me I was fun.
You are my best friend by & by You are my fire come from the sky Now take my head and tell me what I need to know this time.
Like a slave I was placed on earth to follow. Like a dog, put down when I’m wrong. But I won’t break at a jagged fate to swallow You just play; I sing along.
Come to me love like a bone The only love I’ve ever known A spark of light then miles and miles of dark.
Burning hands and sparkly eyes And miles and miles away the skies To settle down around around us in the park.
Like a slave I was placed on earth to follow. Like a dog, put down when I’m wrong. But I won’t break at a jagged fate to swallow You just play; I sing along.
I’ve made great strides with red in recent years, being more willing to express myself, ruffle feathers etc.
Red lets you stick your neck out, take action, fight. Not care what anybody thinks.
Black also deals with conflict and enemies. But the sorts of enemies you can’t fight straight on. Maybe they hide & use deception so you don’t know where to swing. Maybe they dominate you to the point that fighting back would be suicidal. Maybe they have you leveraged, black mailed, so that you must follow their will to protect to ones you care about.
Red is a boxing match where both people get bloody. Black is getting raped when you’re drugged & tied down. There is nothing you can do. You can’t move.
People always say be assertive and stand up for yourself. People are so naive. In situations where standing up for oneself is an option, most people will take it. But people usually won’t victimize you until they have you in a situation where fighting back will be difficult or even impossible. They attack when they are fully leveraged.
War is red and black. Red is the brawn and black is the brains. Force + deception.
Men overpower women because they have more red. You can’t fight a man. But they have more black as well. Their brains instinctively think in a strategic fashion, calculating how their moves position them power-wise in relation to their opponents. Women tend to assume others are on the same page as them until shown otherwise.
Black knows we are not all one. We don’t share the same will. Others are not who they appear to be. They may be indifferent to harming us or they may get off on it. To be safe you must always keep a touch of black in your pocket- one independent wit that reminds you to never trust completely.
This is hard for me. Maybe for all women. I’ve always wanted to merge with someone to feel safe and loved. And when I feel threatened I focus on trusting more, following more closely the will of whomever I feel threatened by in the hopes of appeasing them. I try to be nicer in the hopes of winning their love. I appeal to their sympathy. It never works. When people are in black mode empathy has turned off. Being nice does not keep you safe. The most gentle animals get eaten first. Survival is selfish. It goes after the easiest target.
Black is boundaries. But what are boundaries? Too often we think of boundaries as ‘standing up for yourself.’ “Hey Lion! Don’t eat me! I’m NOT okay with that.” But unless we have a machine gun these ‘boundaries’ are pretty pointless. People are not going to obey our will just because we verbalize it. They obey their own.
Boundaries are really a state of awareness in which you can separate your own will from the wills of those around you. You know your own mind & do not project the contents of your mind onto others. You attempt to see them as they truly are.
When you project positive or negative glamours onto others you blur the distinction between you & them. Imagination & reality. This is a no boundary state. Boundaries mean seeing yourself & others as the two distinct- and possible opposed- entities that you truly are.
Without this clear psychic separation, you end up carrying out the wills of others without realizing it. You are unable to act in your own best interests. But when there is a willingness to see the truth of yourself and the truth of others, thinking automatically becomes more strategic because it starts to line up with reality. Not sentiments.
With black, you know your aim and you know your opponent. You know when telling the truth is useful and when deceit is the only option. Unlike red, you do not try to win every battle. You know some battles must be lost to win the war. You wait. You bend over. You take it up the ass. You say you like it. You wait some more. And when your moment of opportunity comes you are ready.
Patton wearing his favorite “Trust Me” tshirt. You can trust him. Would he lie to you?
I’m adddicted to you Like a bullet I fly I feel red in my head And a fire in my mind Could you tell me what the ring around your neck is for?
Could I knock you around? Can I call on the phone? Let me come on your feet Let me come in your home Let’s get it done I don’t know what we could be waiting for If you gotta a minute I could oooo yeah!
I’m addicted to you I got something inside It needs somewhere to go Wanna go for a ride? I could tell you’re an original & maybe more
Could there be other men? Well there maybe could be But right now it feels like You got something i need What’s in your hand I don’t know what you could be waiting for If you gotta minute I could ooooo yeah!
I’m addicted to you Wanna push you around Put my hands on your neck Falling into the ground I could swirl you in a bucket knock it on the floor
Beating onto your chest Feeling something inside And now I gotta go Something don’t feel right Maybe this was just a slip a cok and nothing more Only for a minute I could oooo yeah!
(I wrote this around couple weeks ago, I guess. Before the last astrological storm which led to James’s disappearance. I asked him how he would feel about me publishing it and he said it was fine, but that nothing I wrote was true.This made me feel a sense of relief so I went the dignified route of keeping feelings to myself. But in the end they were prescient, so may as well share them now.)
Now I’m scareder than ever. The last storm was as bad as I feared it would be- sluts, crime, violence, financial disasters- and I just realized that another one is upon me when Mars joins Uranus in James’s House of Sex & Death.
I really feel he’s going to leave me and somehow it will be my fault. It will be something I did. Maybe this blog post. But if not this then something else.
The other day I couldn’t take the pain of what was happening. I kicked a door so hard I can’t walk anymore. James says this was me using the threat of violence to control him.
The bad parts of him leaving are two-fold. One, he has been my whole life. When I fell in love with James I thought I had found True Love and that became my religion, my reason for existing. To accept that it wasn’t real would be the worst pain I’ve ever felt.
Secondly, I have no idea how to survive on my own. He always wanted to support me and encouraged me to rely on him for everything. This was fine because it allowed me to pursue my interests, which he supported. But also it makes it harder to set boundaries when you’ve never earned a living, don’t have a drivers license, a bank account, don’t know how to pay bills etc. I have no idea how the world works and doubt I would be able to cut it.
But I know it would be wrong to stay with someone who doesn’t want you. I guess I still believe in love.
Weird things are happening in James’s mind. More and more I seem to be associated with all the pain and frustration inside.. And other people who he could potentially have sexual relations with have come to be associated with relief from pain. And positive feelings.
More and more he sees bad in me. Devious intentions which I don’t believe are there. Nothing I do seems capable of shifting it. Meanwhile other females have become easy targets on which to project his positive feelings. They aren’t a part of his life. They are just blank screens onto which he can project his own needs and desires. How can I compete with that?
Suddenly, after eleven years of marriage, everything about me is wrong. I am too mentally fast. That is his biggest complaint. Also I never listen. But I listen all the time. He says ‘Yeah but you never understand.’ So I try harder to understand. And yet somehow I never succeed. I make him think too much. I don’t wear enough camouflage (I was literally wearing camouflage shorts when he said this.) I don’t like to get muddy. (I don’t know if this is true, because he has never asked me to do anything involving mud.)
He likes the way the online women communicate better. They mostly just say LOL all the time. But they say it with a depth of understanding someone like me can only dream of. I am mental. They hear with the soul.
So what can I do? I have to prepare to stand alone in this world. The upcoming astrological storm is likely to be more traumatic than the last one. But I don’t know how to make a living.
I get tens of thousands of downloads a month and over a thousand readers a day but probably make around 100 dollars a year. I do astrology readings but just on a donation basis. I haven’t had a job since I was a teenager. I don’t drive, so how will I get groceries? I am so scared.
But I can’t stay if he doesn’t love me. That’s what I was here for, not money or security. And I am trapped in this fun house where no matter what I do, no matter how good I try to be, I get a negative projection returned. I can do no right and online women can do no wrong. He calls them his fireflies. He calls me cuntface. I can only assume this means he wants to be rid of me.
(Saturn is squaring my Mercury causing me to hate everything that comes out of my mouth. If I sound like I’m eating a robot, that’s why.)
I’ve been in that phase again where I write a million blog posts then delete them cause I can’t stop imagining all the reasons people will hate me for anything I say.
Personally I love to read people writing about their own experiences. Whether it is trudging across Antarctica or making their husband a sandwich, I don’t care. But when writing about myself, the voices in my head start calling me a self-absorbed, navel gazing narcissist. Sometimes real people do too.
So then I become an intellectual. A defensive posture. It makes men think you are smart and respect you more. Sometimes it feels like men are highly cue based when evaluating intelligence. A woman in spectacles discussing science is intelligent. A woman gluing cotton bears onto a wreath is not. But I can’t maintain being intellectual. It feels like walking on my hands.
And the Heard-Depp trial is ‘triggering’ me. But I’m afraid to say this. If you want your biscuits, this is the time to say you believe men can be abused just as easily as women. You are supposed to say it is just as bad for a woman to push a man- even if he doesn’t move- as it is for a man to push a woman- even if she falls into a bathtub and hits her head. They are equally bad. It’s violence either way!
You are supposed to say that domestic abuse is a genderless crime. And male victims are too shy to come forward. Depp is helping to change this.
But it’s hard for me to imagine a female using physical force to dominate a man. Even moreso in a case like this where Depp is surrounded by body guards. Not to mention endless money, friends, family, staff, homes, vehicles, planes, yachts, guns, knives etc.
It wouldn’t be impossible. But the only way I could see it happening is if Heard managed to establish a guru-like grip over Depp’s mind. But it is clear from the trial that she was not holding his brain in thrall. Drugs and his demons did that.
Perhaps many do not understand the difference between physical aggression and abuse. Lobbing a ball of socks at someone is not abuse. Punching a man, grabbing a woman’s arm & leaving a bruise, screaming, calling someone a bad name… you can only determine the significance of these events by looking at the larger pattern. If Monica slapped Clinton for gizzing on her dress would that make him a battered husband? Not from my perspective. If she stabbed him through the eye with a pen then we are entering new territory.
Because women can commit acts of violence towards men. They could marry an old man for money then slip poison in his food.
But domestic abuse, imo, is when a person uses intimidation, manipulation, violence & control of resources to establish dominance over their partner, making them unable or unwilling to leave despite bad treatment.
How many men exist who are physically afraid of their wives but too scared to leave? How commonly do women cut off men’s access to money, social contacts and transportation while dominating their bodies and threatening to kill them if they escape?
I’m wincing because the next statement will probably shower hate on me, but it seems possible that trace elements of domination are present in many if not most heterosexual relationships. It’s more than men being stronger, it is also how they are built for war and competition while women obsess over connection, frequently placing them in the role of trying to please.
We try to make things gooey and soft. We want to wear matching pajamas. We glue cotton bears onto a wreath. Men don’t do this. I don’t know why. I’m not judging them for this. I’m just trying to state the obvious in a culture which punishes us for doing so.
Muffin papers. I had planned to start making Business Woman Muffins each morning to sustain me through the day. For a Woman On the Go. That hasn’t happened.
My opponent’s sign encountered while door knocking. Politics is another factor making me feel suppressed. One wrong word could cost me votes.
Especially in a Republican primary. Some conservatives judge you for bad language, sexual language, violent language etc. As though God fast tracks all Scorpios to hell.
A red picture of me to showcase my political dominance and power. I admire red, but also feel it is everything I will never be. Which is why I like to stay near it. Kiss the hand that feeds you.
A picture of stones resting on cotton.
Would you like to watch a two minute video of a dog’s face accompanied by a song about a frog?
Slipper’s name is substituted for Mr. Froggy’s though cause she loves the sound of it. I also like to read her Bible verses where it’s God talking directly to Slippers. “I shall cover Slippers with my feathers, and under my wings Slippers will rest.”
This picture perfectly captures my life at the moment… a bear on one side representing everything humans dream of and a black swirl on the other, representing the forces of darkness. And in the middle, confusion. I hope I’m not being too dramatic. I actually hung the black swirl picture in the hopes that a picture of black swirls would cancel out real black swirls, but I don’t think it worked. Don’t worry though I’m not suicidal & you shouldn’t be either. For all we know black holes lead someplace wonderful. Maybe to paradise.
Would you come away with me and Put the bar upon the door Take away the black and blue and gray Maybe I don’t want them no more.
First the clouds began to gather Then they thicken to a bruise Then you wait for them to strike Looking at the things you’ll lose.
Maybe you should tell him stop then From the waters you will climb and Wander in the dusty world Leaving everything behind.
No. No. The water’s fine. Suck it down. Suicide. Down. Down. It never ends. Let it come, come again
Would you come away with me and Take me to a coffee shop We could wander through a peaceful town Find a pleasant way to talk.
Never push and never tumble Never hurt and never bleed- no! Never lost and dressed in rags Never grovelling with need.
Come. Come. The water’s fine. Suck it down. Suicide. Down. Down. It never ends. Let it come, come again.
Bleeding out Then you realize All the things you’re running from Were the things that you desire.
Come. Come. The water’s fine. Suck it down. Suicide. Down. Down. It never ends Let it come, come again.
I go through phases where my arms and legs freeze up. I can’t move. The blood has retracted to my core. My brain freezes. My kidneys hurt. It is a response to fear I guess.
I can’t sing. It’s hard to talk or write. The feeling of silence is so thick and blood pumps in my ears. The acute phase lasts 24 hours. Then a lingering reluctance to make sounds or speak words. Eventually I remember to surround myself with the color red and it gives me the urge to be again. I can’t even say I like red in a ‘favorite color’ sense but it has thrown me a lifeline so many times it is like an angel.
That is the phase I have been in today. I’ve been listening to Hello by Lionel Ritchie on endless repeat. I don’t usually listen to music but when I do it is one song that hits me and so I listen to it over and over and over again. I like this song. It is so beautiful. Soon I will try surrounding myself with warm colors & hopefully it will become easier to speak. But first I will listen to Hellow a few more times.
