vegetables

One of my New Year’s resolutions is to think more for myself. I have a habit of googling every question that enters my mind from “What should I do right now?” to “What is the meaning of life?” and no matter what I google the answer is always- eat more vegetables. Oh and drink more water, sleep more, meditate, take a bath, stay at home, some gentle yoga, drink tea, wrap yourself in a soft blanket, dim the lights, a gentle self massage & let your last thought be of gratitude as you slowly sink into that final sleep. This is the wisdom of our time. To indulge the self into a state of non-existence.

So I would like to throw out a few alternate New Year’s resolutions because becoming a vegetable isn’t for everyone. Some of these may be morally questionable but I also think it is morally questionable to devote your life to becoming an amoeba.

Become rich. An oldie but goodie which builds the wits and nerves. Will lead to more growth than chamomile tea.
Become popular. Also a classic. Exciting, challenging & guaranteed to expand your world. Unlike yoga.
Party more. This could have its down sides but life is not all about seeking states of calm. Sometimes you gotta bubble and flow like lava.
Live in the woods. If you want solitude then earn it. Don’t sit in your government apartment smoking weed. Build yourself a damn house in the woods. Triple credit if a woman does this.
Social climb. An advanced version of becoming more popular. Use strategy to become ensconced in social circles that would typically reject you. Then blog about it.
Be a whore. Not professionally, just have sex with lots of people. This is probably a bad idea though. Please don’t try this unless you know what you’re doing. Sex is linked to the underworld in ways no one can understand. And demons cannot easily be returned to their jars.
Do drugs. This is also a bad idea. Just say no. The worst part of drugs is they can make you too passive and that is exactly what we are trying to avoid. Say no.
Walk across your state. Guaranteed to be more interesting than keeping a gratitude journal.
Take a second spouse. This could cause trouble but would be less boring than keeping a gratitude journal together.
Live in a third world country. Make sure it is really third world though cause otherwise living abroad will probably just turn you into a pretentious ass. Try Chad.

Okay these aren’t the greatest ideas. But the point is you can think of a more stimulating goal than drinking lemon water each morning. Life does not have to be about dying. Languidity is anathema to spirit, a wet pillow held over his face as he struggles for breath until finally the flame goes out.

Life do we remember thee
Tho you loved us we killed you with chamomile tea.

So don’t resolve to murder your spirit this year. No journals, no naps, no child’s pose, no government injections easing you into the world beyond. This year feed the part of yourself that wants to live!

As for me though, my resolutions are not that exciting as I am still working my way out of the special needs category. They are

To practice thinking for myself when I have life challenges rather than googling for answers.
To make more friends in the physical world. This is a lower tiered resolution than becoming popular (mid-tier) or social climbing (top-tier) but that’s just where I’m at. I don’t even know if I’ll like having friends yet. Plus it forces me to address many areas of practiweakness, like money, transportation, technology, clothes etc.

If you have made resolutions, please share them!

This is a poem and normally I don’t care that much for poems. Nonetheless, I have heard that gardens grow most vigorously when they are 3% weeds, and since I now have about one hundred songs in here, I thought I should sprinkle in a couple of poems to keep things healthy.

The reason I generally don’t care for poetry is because poems tend to be flavorless, hard to chew, and lacking in digestible matter. Like grass. Maybe the good ones are like vegetables and aromatic herbs. But rarely like candy.

Once I tried giving up candy for a few months and only eating vegetables, fruits, nuts, and other “natural” foods. I was inspired (or probably hypnotized) by a book called “Detox” that claimed if you ate this way your body would become so pure that your skin would be transparent. This seemed like an irresistible possibility, especially since I was due to get married soon and worried about looking my best for my big day.

The main problem with this diet was that it required me to eat literally all day long just to survive. Every moment I wasn’t eating was spent driving around buying strange foods like liquid chlorophyll which Detox required me to drink nightly mixed with olive oil and apple juice. I had to stop painting because there was no time to do anything but eat, and no money either (natural foods are expensive.) My healthy diet was consuming all my time and money, and even some of my friendships too, which had once revolved around going out for pizza and ice cream.

Maybe it would have been worth it if my skin had become transparent, but it remained as opaque as ever. In fact, no matter how many cauliflowers I ate I seemed to look exactly the same.

What is the moral of the story? That if you eat too many vegetables it may detract from fulfilling your life’s purpose. That’s why I like songs- they are like cookies, easy to digest and full of fun and accessible calories. They give you the nutrition you need without detracting from your modern, 0n-the-go lifestyle.

Download MP3: Masterwood