Tag: survival

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Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story On My Own Videos Writings

Materialism + a Cry to Universe for Help!

Also, can I just say…. on a personal note, that I need something in my life to change because the pace has gotten so frenetic & the energy is so mental that I can’t calm down or keep up. And yet I’m still teetering on the edge of survival. I wish I could write songs but I can’t slow down long enough to get in touch with myself or access emotion. I feel completely isolated because the way I am making money is secret & places me in no contact with other humans. Isolation increases feelings of panic and danger.

On the other hand, I’m anti-isolated due to many messages from screen people that I have to keep up with but this just makes the wheels spin faster while offering no feelings of safety. I feel like that girl in the dancing shoes fairy tale where everything keeps spinning faster and faster and faster but its never enough.

I don’t know what to do, but probably if I wait until July things will get better. That is when Jupiter moves from my House of Labor & Servitude to the House of Partnership & Marriage. Maybe then I won’t be so alone anymore.

The House of Servitude contains an element of isolation by its nature, being opposite the House of Solitude. Think of how alone a servant is, toiling, toiling, toiling & yet surrounded by those who don’t consider it a full human. Disposable & on the edge of survival.

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Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story On My Own Videos

Hello

Hi, I hope I am even making sense in this video. The struggle to survive is real & it has my brain in a frazzled state from dusk til dawn. Vibrating with panic.
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Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story On My Own Red, Soldiers, & Fire Writings

Candles

I love candles. Many times a single candle has altered the course of my life.

Last night I lit a red candle and BAM!! All these realizations about sex started flooding me. I saw how it merges two people’s energy & if the man doesn’t value your survival & material well being as his own you best steer clear, cause he will dilute your energy. The energy you need to survive. Especially for someone like me who feels precarious in her own survival to begin with.

Wanting a man to invest in you materially isn’t selfish…. why would you merge your material body with someone who doesn’t love you that much? I invest in Slippers materially and take responsibility for her life. Even tho I suck at survival it isn’t that hard to expand your sense of self to include someone else. This should be the minimum sort of love a person has before you risk merging with them.

Cause for me, if I have sex with someone I become very attached. My mind and emotions are constantly drifting towards them. Why would you want to spend all day thinking about someone who wouldn’t even buy you groceries? It doesn’t make any sense. Until you find someone who at least loves you that much you should hold your energy inside cause you’ll need it. Cause I think survival is hard for females. At least for me.

It’s is hard for me to think practically, logically, selfishly and strategically which is how you need to think for survival. How would a man feel if he was expected to jack off to purple rectangles? It’s not how he’s wired up.

But men are more selfish & strategic by nature. (Not to mention that their testicles are 2 extra brains devoted to survival.) It’s what makes it dangerous to be intimate with a man unless his sense of self has expanded to include you. Because although men are designed to be selfish, they also have the ability to expand their sense of self to include wife, children, family, clan, country etc. In this way they are selfish and unselfish at the same time.

But don’t place your well being at the mercy of a man who sense of self does not include you. Because to people outside this sense of self they are ruthless.

This hit me like lightning last night. I was lighting a red candle to help me be better at surviving because I don’t know what I’m going to do for money yet. I lost my last job for not conning people hard enough & the two jobs before that were both lost for crying on the job due to smells. I’m sure there is something I can do but it always seems to require being something other than my nature. Just trying to get my brain to think about what I could do ends up with staring into space as no thoughts arise. My mind is wired to be hyperaware of what is, not to strategize a path forward.

But the red candle showed me that the first step to surviving is not forming relationships which don’t facilitate your survival. Cause why would you merge with someone not vested in you? How can it lead to anything good?

I’ve always been so afraid of being a gold digger that I sort of became the reverse. But really there is nothing wrong with a man investing in you materially. I invest in Slippers materially. I’m not going to be enjoying a delicious meal while she is hungry. That would be sick. To care about a loved one’s physical well being is the most basic form of love. If someone doesn’t love you in the most basic way WHY would you allow your mind & heart to center around them? It’s self abandonment.

It may be nobody’s responsibility to take care of me but it is not my responsibility to suck their dick either. It doesn’t really matter if someone claims to like or love you. Actions speak louder than words and if they can’t love me -at a bare minimum- like I love Slippers then being with them will dilute my raw power which I cannot afford.

I have to put myself first until I find somebody that puts me first.

Thank you red candle. I will add candles to the list of things that have always been my friends… colors, candles. End of list.

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Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story Writings

No Words

Well, it has happened. My worst nightmare has come true. James is gone. I don’t know if he’s coming back but it’s not likely to be soon.

Let’s start with the practical. I’ll break it down for you.

No money. No access to his money. No knowledge of money. Never paid a bill. Don’t even know what bills exist. No phone. No car. No family. No friends.* Two big dogs both stronger than me.

Water gets turned off. I panic and start opening all mail. James didn’t let me open mail before. Realize internet and electricity are about to go. Facebook friends come to the rescue. They send me money. I get water back on and pay just enough of the other bills to prevent disaster. I’ve never dealt with these things before. Had facebook friends not shared money (and knowledge), I would be doomed. Who gives people money? They did.

Had no food but a facebook friend drove over with 5,000 pounds of raisins, pistachios, canned salmon, canned pears, macaroni & cheese and applesauce. She just dropped it off and vanished. Crates of food so heavy I couldn’t lift them. I won’t starve.

Another friend brought me elderberry juice, the only thing that relieves the weakness in my kidneys that can make it hard to move. I didn’t know how I was going to get by without it. So my body will survive for the next few weeks.

But house is in foreclosure. In two days, someone comes to appraise it. But how can they appraise it when Patton will try to bite them? I couldn’t lock him in a room even if I wanted to. If he hears a bunch of freaks roaming around he will bust a door to get at them. I used to feel ashamed of having the meanest dog in Charleston, but now he makes me feel safe. He is the reason I sleep at night.

And if the house does get foreclosed, what do I do? Move all my possessions onto the sidewalk and sit next to them?

Still, the immediate crisis has been cleared. That itself is a miracle. The amount of skills gained has been insane. I found a phone in the house and managed to activate it. I went to court. I learned about apps. I discovered porn of myself online. I picked up dog turds with a bag. I made decisions on my own without considering what James would do. I’ve even made a few decisions he would disapprove of. Because I thought they were the right thing. I wish I’d done that sooner.

But the future remains foggy. I can’t remain a charity case much longer. I’ve been listing everything I own on ebay, hoping to make money while reducing the number of items I’ll need to place on the sidewalk. I’ve ordered business cards for astrology readings and plan to start promoting myself.

People are cheering me on. Others are critical, as though I’m getting my just desserts. Was I a slacker before? I cooked, I cleaned, I tried to fulfill my purpose. Yeah I got screwed but so did Jesus. Is that always a sign you made the wrong choice?

And why do I sound so crisp and glib while facing utter ruin? I don’t know. I keep switching into practimode where I feel nothing at all. Then I can’t stop crying. An ambulance came cause I couldn’t breathe. Losing James is not something I can wrap my mind around.

But I don’t even know if I’ve lost him. I’m not allowed to talk with him for six weeks.

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Astrology Charleston, West Virginia Red, Soldiers, & Fire

Neptune in Aries

Neptune is the planet which rules society’s ideals- the traits that are valued and rewarded. As I wrote in a previous post, Neptune is currently (from  2011 to 2025) travelling through the sign of Pisces, causing sensitivity, compassion, victimhood and sometimes even insanity to be treated as virtues.

In 2025, Neptune moves into Aries, which should produce a drastic change in the qualities we value and demonize in others.

Pisces, as I discussed earlier, is an impractical, idealistic sign ruled by feelings, tears, and dreams. Pisces doesn’t understand why we fight wars. Pisces doesn’t understand why only people with money have nice things. Pisces doesn’t understand why football players tackle each other or people want weapons to defend themselves. Pisces doesn’t know why suicide is wrong, because for Pisces life is not an ultimate value. Pisces rules peace, freedom from pain, and death.

Aries, on the other hand, is a warrior, and lives in the physical world of animals where survival is the chief concern. He rewards those traits which help to ensure survival, such as strength, vigor, bravery, hard work and aggression. Also, those traits that lead to survival on a group level, such as patriotism.

Under Aries, people will show off their strengths, rather than using their weaknesses to get attention. The stories of abuse and mistreatment will give way to tales of victory and triumph. Rugged activities like camping, hunting, and boxing, may become more popular than yoga, meditation, and therapy. Excessive focus on feelings will be seen as self-serving and unproductive. Compassion will no longer be the chief indicator of goodness, but rather a good person will be one who is productive, hardworking and brave.

So here are a few tips to consider, to help prepare for the changes ahead. Maybe with some slight adjustments, in 2025 you could become the ideal person!

  • Forget about feelings, spirituality and the inner world. The external, physical world will become the only one that matters and you will be judged by your competency in it.
  • Beef up your survival skills. Grow food, hunt, cook, build your own home, shoot your own intruders. Maybe move to West Virginia!
  • Develop a work ethic. Under Aries, people will be expected to carry their own weight, and preferably the weight of a few others as well. Welfare may fall out of favor.
  • Be macho. The macho man may come back as an ideal while the desirability of effeminate men may plummet. Even for women, independence, bravery, pride and ballsiness may be favored.
  • Be a meathead. Consider focusing on classic meathead concerns, like big muscles, fast cars, switchblades and a willingness to fight.
  • Get in shape. Physical fitness and athleticism may become prime traits for people to possess. This would be a great time to stop writing in your journal and start playing basketball!
  • Become a patriot. To Pisces, who rules selflessness, patriotism is a vice. Pisces  wants us to sacrifice ourselves for the good of others and if we should die in the process, all the better!  But with Aries we return to the practical value of putting one’s own person, family and country first.
  • Consider a trade. With Neptune in physical Aries, those who work with their hands will rise in stature.  So consider becoming a plumber, carpenter or electrician. Also, jobs that require bravery, like policing, soldiering and firefighting will be held in high esteem.
  • Don’t go to college (unless you need to). Not only will trades once again rise in value, but knowledge (like women’s studies) that doesn’t hold a practical value may be viewed as suspect.
  • With food, go back to basics. Eat what is practical, affordable and reasonably healthy.  Like a peanut butter sandwich. Those who spend a large chunk of their energy acquiring trendy foods may be seen as delicate and self-serving.
  • Be a person of action. Aries is all about action. Don’t expect to be judged on your professed feelings and beliefs any longer. Be someone who can make a tangible difference. Be willing to show your love by pulling people from a mudslide, rather than calling them by their preferred pronoun.

The downside to Aries is that he does rule violence and war. He can also make people so brave and hot-headed that they become foolish, rushing into a fight when it would be better to hold back. Aries rules survival- but not stability.  That will not become an ideal until 2039, when Neptune moves into Taurus. That will be the time to earn respect by being as wealthy, fat, boring and stable as humanly possible. To buy land and a big house stuffed to the brim with Things. But Aries will not judge people on their bank account, only their willingness to rise to the needs of the moment.

Also…

  • Although Neptune won’t officially enter Aries until 2025, we should start feeling the effects trickle in earlier. In a sense, each sign is just a natural response to the excesses of the sign that came before it. The more people in society play a victimized Piscean role, floating through an inner world of pain, the more others are compelled to seek something brisk and capable. Perhaps Donald Trump is the first piece of the Aries forces that are to come. If so, resistance to him is futile, because he represents a course correction which is as necessary as it is inevitable.
  • Wherever Neptune goes, it reawakens forgotten values, but also tends to take ideas to ridiculous extremes. Neptune in Aries is certain to bring us lots of crazy fads and notions just as Neptune in Pisces did. I only hope it does not bring danger. It is no comfort that the last time Neptune entered Aries was the start of the Civil War.
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Dusty Stables Los Angeles Music & Songs

Black Hearted Life

 

self-portrait in charcoal with blinds and mysterious figure

The first dozen or so songs I wrote were all about my unrequited love for the sophisticated & urbane Dusty Stables. I was living in L.A. and had just been evicted, divorced, and forced to give Pablito and Eekeleedee (my parakeets) up for adoption. I was moving into a 100 square foot apartment with no means of support other than selling paintings. I had no car and all in all my survival skills were iffy.

But Dusty Stables was (in my mind) a true city slicker. He wore sunglasses (I have always admired people who wear sunglasses), and black clothes, something that men in Kentucky never do. The omnipresence of his laptop and phone combined with his height and sharp features to give him a comforting, robotic quality.  I felt he would have an easier time navigating the complexities of city life than your average meat ball. And on top of it all, he seemed nice.

Download MP3: Black Hearted Life