Tag: sex

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Astrology Charleston, West Virginia men My Life Story Writings

Mommy I’m scared!

I’m scared because tomorrow an astrological storm begins. It’s in James’s chart, not mine, but those are the worst. My transits tend to play out more internally- I draw a black cloud in my journal- while his involve car chases, explosions & wild animals.

Maybe it will be okay. My current strategy is to try to talk about transits as much as possible before they happen. “By the way James, tomorrow at 2 pm you’ll have an explosive rage transit.” He still feels the energy, but expecting it makes it less likely to be randomly projected at the nearest target (me).

This works well for little moon transits, which only last a few hours and are mostly about feelings anyway. But the upcoming storm is about 8 days long. The sun will ignite an underground river of slut fuel. A couple titans duke it out in the house of sex, death & money. It may be okay. Storms happen all the time. I just try to worry about them as much as possible before hand in case it helps.

As I shared before, I’m currently having a Saturn square Mercury transit. It’s basically shining a spotlight on all the negative thoughts I hold, all the things which bring me down. So while the voices are telling me I suck day and night, the good part is, it’s also giving me a chance to change some of my problematic thinking.

For example, I’d like to retract a blog post I wrote a few days back, expressing my love for the book ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” I’ve decided it’s a crock of shit. And this is after 4 years of devotion. I even put the author on my top ten heroes list.

Cause when it comes down to it, what the book is really saying is suck ass constantly and you’ll have less friction in your relationships. Which is true. But is it a good way to live? Cause all those aspects of yourself you suppress just pile up behind you like ghosts. Eventually they cause problems of their own. Suppression of self is an emergency measure to use when kidnapped- it shouldn’t be a long term marriage strategy. It can’t be the ideal.

Although things are going pretty well with James. We found a new hobby. Watching movies. In the theater, where popcorn is $5 but refills & melted butter are unlimited. It’s the best thing ever. I like it when he chooses the movie so I am immersed in a world of foreign, exotic energies.

Not to sound schizophrenic, but it really feels like these movies are being handcrafted by God and filled with special messages just for me. I learn so much about astrology, the future, men, myself and everything really. It’s great.

So far I’ve seen…

1. Top Gun. (As mentioned here.)

2. The Black Phone. This perfectly expressed the third decan of Pisces we are now in. A time when people must be willing to confront the darkness and finally gather courage to stand and fight.

3. Jurassic Park. Traumatic. People getting eaten triggers me. I ran out of the theater crying, but James used logic to calm me down. He said the dinosaurs were CGI and not puppets. Therefore it would be impossible for them to eat anyone. He also explained that watching bad guys get eaten is good for men’s testicles. (I’m paraphrasing.) So I returned to my seat and watched the rest of the movie. It made me feel tough actually, and getting tough in preparation for 2024 is one of my goals.

4. Elvis. A beautiful movie. I didn’t get to extract its meaning though, cause at the end when I was crying and letting it all sink in James began whispering in my ear all the clues that Elvis was gay. I felt his theory held water but the mental processing erased the movie’s emotional impact on me. Using intellect to dry up emotion is the gift and curse of Virgo.

Slipper’s cookie jar.
A towel with blue roses.
A bear made of glass.

The river.


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Charleston, West Virginia men Writings

Sex Energy- Positive, Negative & Neutral

All levels of the human mind deal with three types of energy. Positive, negative & neutral.

Positive energy connects us to the future. It is our desires & values. What we want to have & experience. It moves us forward.

Negative energy connects us to the past. It enables us to release things & gives us the depth and wisdom that come from processing experiences.

Neutral energy connects us to the present and our environment.

At the verbal level, for example, affirmations would be an example of positive energy. Talking to a counselor about our problems would be negative energy- we are using words to gain release & insight. Asking someone to pass the salt would be neutral.

And this applies on the sexual level too. Sexual impulses can be positive- this person turns me on because she is my dream girl and I want to marry her. Or they can be negative- this person turns me on because her nose looks like my Aunt Sally’s who molested me as a kid and I still feel ashamed about that. Or- I just lost my job and now I have shameful feelings. I want to release these feelings through my dick so what is something bad I can do that will give me an orgasm?

However, on the surface, these two impulses can look the same because we typically don’t bother to analyze our sexual feelings. We feel a pulse in our dick and think- that must be hot, I must want to fuck that. Why else would I feel this pulse? But a whole world of meaning is there, for those who care to look.

Negative sexuality is similar to music and dreams. It is not a literal reflection of what we want. Instead it is subconscious urges, fears, pains and conflicts bubbling to the surface in a symbolic language. For men especially, it may be one of the main avenues through which their subconscious speaks to them which is why they can get addicted to things like porn which offer so many scenarios designed to tap into different pockets of feeling.

But we are trained to be meatheads when it comes to sex and not analyze the things. We regurgitate simplistic theories from evolutionary psychology which gay men have proven to be false. Our sexual circuits are not just for reproduction- they perform a wide variety of functions just as our mouth does. Or even our speech. To claim that all sexual urges are rooted in a desire to have children would be like saying that all functions of speech relate to the need to warn others of wild animals.

And it causes a lot of consternation, especially for wives and girlfriends, when all sexual impulses are described as caveman urges to mate with someone else. Or when sexual urges are automatically interpreted as attraction. I.e. finding someone beautiful, desirable. In reality, men are well known for losing interest in someone after having sex. Why? Did the person cease to be beautiful and attractive? No, it was just never about that in the first place. Sometimes sex is about trying to get at something within the self and -unfortunately- the other person is little more than an available tissue. Or perhaps a symbolic one who taps an inner conflict (kink).

I grew up in a culture where people were supposed to be happy. Other emotions were viewed in a negative light. There was no emotional release function and this made it difficult to be happy except in a strained and 2 dimensional way. It is this release function, this negative energy, that renews us, bringing depth and purity to our experience. Just as a person can feel rejuvenated by crying. Sometimes the dick needs to cry too.

So what impact does it have on sexual relationships if every sexual thought and feeling must be a feeling of positive love and desire for one’s mate? Does this create a deep and passionate bond over time or would it begin to feel flat and repressive? Time is a big factor, because the more time passes the more negative energies accumulate if not washed away. You can go for a week without a shower, but eventually it catches up with you. People rarely need marriage counselor on their honeymoon, but 20 years later they might. Especially if they are basing their relationship on positive energy without an equivalent ability to embrace negative energy. It is the negative energy that rejuvnates and when we cling to positive charges and resist negative ones either decay or a sudden rupture is certain. The good news is that exploring the negative is every bit as enjoyable as moving towards the positive. This is where life gains its deep and watery energies.

And of course there are neutral sexual energies. These feed you information about your current surroundings & circumstances. Threats and opportunities. A sudden attraction to a firewoman could be your dick trying to tell you your house is on fire. A sexual feeling towards a plump person could mean you need to eat. Rage towards your boss might be chanelled as arousal towards his female equivalent. The possibilities are endless.

In addition, sexual feelings can simply be red beams we are intercepting from others. Sometimes I feel a red beam & turn around me to see a scantily clad female who is looking for sexual attention. If I were a man, I might automatically assume I was attracted to her, when in fact my dick was just picking up her availability signal. Dangers in the environment can also be felt through the dick. The dick is basically an antennae picking up root level information. If sexual thoughts are too tightly controlled a lot of data drops out. But also, if we take the meathead approach of assuming every quiver in our dick represents an urge to sire a child- even if we don’t act on it- this can lead to trouble, hurt and confusion.

So I just wish we could look a little deeper when it comes to sexual feelings. If men are looking at porn, for example, WHY are they looking? Is it really because they think that close up shot of a dick sliding into a butthole is so pretty and men are visual creatures? Is it really because they have the urge to spread their seed through ejaculating into their hand to ensure humanity’s survival? Or is it possible they are attempting- perhaps clumsily- an introspective, healing activity? Trying to release some speck of gravel from their shoe. Flying to a world where females are amazed by their every move and they don’t have to feel like a loser. Releasing feelings of hatred, disgust or aggression that have no place in polite society.

Sexual urges and the meanings behind them are really an entire universe to be explored. These things are only shameful & threatening when they aren’t examined. In reality, they are a symbolic doorway into the deepest parts of our mind where the largest transformations can occur.

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Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story Uncategorized Writings

What is a dick?

Please forgive me if I make no sense. Right now the whole universe is bombarding my mercury- aka brain- and it has sped thought processes to where I can hardly function. Zillions of thoughts colliding into each other & all of them breaking into fragments. This will last a couple more years.

I can still write songs in this state, but songs come out like eggs. You have to let the emotional energy congeal again before laying the next one. In the meantime, there is still too much I need to express. Plus I am so alone & this blog is my closest friend.

So I am barfing out thoughtlets. To release them from my mind.

One strange thing about my mind is how it seems to have different pieces which live side by side, unknown to one another. I would notice this at school when I would get perfect scores on tests which- as far as I knew- I knew nothing about. Subjects like advanced math & science where you can’t fake it. Also, everything related to sex.

As a teen the last thing in the world I wanted was to be associated with sex or even being female. This could partially explain why I changed my name to Julian.

Buying female products was my worst nightmare. I would go to the store in disguise & wait til there were no people around. Later the products would be stored in a box hidden behind a dresser in a closet. I invented multiple codes for writing in my journal so that I could write in double code (a code within a code). But this wasn’t enough, so when they were finished my beautiful journals would have to be ripped to pieces and then burned. What was I writing about? Boys. Liking them was the most secretive & humiliating thing imaginable.


At the same time, however, I was- unknown to myself- constantly broadcasting sexual things in an inappropriate way. It was only many years later that the constant explicit nature of my actions became clear to me.

There was the way I would eat bananas in front of younger teenage boys. They would always ask me to eat them over and over again which I was happy to do since I brought 2 bananas with me to school every day. There was the time I plastered the school with a poem about 2 soft squishy balls which a man liked to play with. I really thought it was a poem about favorite toys and was bewildered by how people would crack up. There was my final art project at university which I thought was a tree, but in retrospect was a realistic picture of a dick sliding through a hole. There were the poems I wrote about people coming all over things and the look on the teachers faces when they read them. The times I would jump up on tables and start doing pelvic thrusts at family get togethers. Passing people notes that said “Do you want to make love?” Painting pictures of soldiers have sex with their dads and writing songs which (in retrospect) were obviously about people getting raped but at the time I thought they were songs about colors.

In my mind, almost everything was a color or a feeling. The literal meanings of things did not compute. Of course, I wouldn’t expect anyone to believe this because it doesn’t even make sense to me. How can someone know something and not know something at the same time?


I don’t know.

The End.

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Charleston, West Virginia Writings

Adult Halloween is for Weenies

I cannot get behind Halloween as a holiday for adults. Barf! How weenie!

Maybe it is due to psychological problems on my part, but I have no urge to get dressed up as a pumpkin or go trick-or-treating.

If we must have adult holidays (especially during the Scorpio season) couldn’t we at least choose something with a little teeth?

Here are a few ideas for adult Halloween traditions that would be far superior to a regressive fantasy dress-up day…

1. A day when men challenge their enemies to a duel. Not a fight to the death, just a good old-fashioned fist fight where the loser gets beaten to a pulp.

2. A day when everyone publishes their darkest secrets anonymously in the newspaper.

3. A day when people send love letters (anonymous or not) to anyone they currently or have ever had feelings for.

4. A day when people spend the night in forests, cemeteries, or -for extra credit- buried alive beneath the earth. (With a straw to enable breathing, of course. )

5. A day of truth & dare, where you ask people personal questions and if they don’t want to answer you select a reasonable dare for them to perform.

6. A day where everyone spends the daylight hours huddled in the basement in total silence.

7. A day when men compete to eat the most disgusting things imaginable.

8. A day when everyone spends 1% of their yearly income on gifts for a surprise recipient outside their family.

10. A day when men walk naked door to door at sunset, confessing their secrets & receiving a hard slap from women in return. (This is obviously the best idea of all.)

11. A day when men gather to take nude photo shoots with their male family members which are then published in the paper.

The possibilities are endless of course, but the point is this- We are adults! We no longer have to get our thrills by retreating to the pathetic amusements of youth!

Why not instead have holidays which challenge us and push us to step beyond the normal patterns of life? The time for pretending to be something has passed. Now is the time for actually becoming it.

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Charleston, West Virginia Red, Soldiers, & Fire Uncategorized Writings

Sexual Fantasies- Messages from Another World

Sexual desires & fantasies share the symbolic language of dreams. They are chock full of information, but not usually to be taken literally. I divide them into two main categories:

1. Generative Fantasies. Generative Fantasies lead you *towards* something that is supposed in your life. The most obvious example is feeling lust towards the person you are meant to marry.

Other sorts of Generative Fantasies:

  • Decoys. A Decoy is an object of desire designed to lead you into another world. Perhaps you lust after a person who lives in another country and this compels you to travel there. Perhaps they are part of a club or social circle you are meant to join and they draw you towards it like a magnet. Maybe they live in a fantasy world that you are also meant to inhabit. In any case, once the decoy successfully draws you into this new world, your attraction to them should cease.
  • Mirrors: A Mirror reflects a piece of yourself or your destiny that you need to pick up. Perhaps they are rich and pompous and you are meant to become that way. Perhaps they are a professional clown and you are meant to be one too. Once a person internalizes the relevant aspects of the Mirror, the magnetic pull of the individual should cease.

2. Degenerative Fantasies: Degenerative Fantasies are based on wounds from the distant or recent past.  They have a compulsive quality and can be destructive to pursue, since they lead straight into the darkness one is trying to escape. In general, they are designed to release negative feelings like shame, anger, fear, sadness, humiliation, weakness, dirtiness etc. Degenerative Fantasies can be triggered by current events that peel the skin from old wounds.

The key to navigating these fantasies is recognizing that they do not reflect a desire, but rather an anti-desire. They are a desperate urge to release an inner demon. If examined carefully, a person will find that the stimulating aspect of these fantasies is an exact replica of the feeling or trauma they are trying to release- though possibly in a symbolic form. Once a person gets to the bottom of this message, the desires should release.

*

And then of course, there is regular sexuality based on reality and not fantasy, but I would feel like a pervert discussing that.

All I really want to convey is that sexual desires & fantasies are no product of biology, but rather messages from the spirit world (in the case of generative fantasies) or (in the case of degenerative fantasies) messages from the subconscious.



 

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Astrology Charleston, West Virginia Purple, Magic & Sorcerers Writings

Reading Balls

Since James is asleep and I need someone to talk to, I have decided to spill my mind on you, my wise and invisible friend.

As I mentioned before, I used to begin each day with “ESP Journaling” which entailed drawing pictures of the colored balls that were (psychically) pelting me. Each ball represented a thought, emotion, or intention coming towards me or James from someone else.

As I started to get more traffic on my website, though, the number of balls grew and blended until eventually it just felt like a wall of fire surrounding my head. So I stopped the whole ESP journal thing because the energy felt too overwhelming to break apart. ESP is easiest when you are dealing with a small amount of information.

Today though, I decided to put on my purple necklace and ESP journal again, just for old times sake.

Let me share with you how it is done.

1. First, I scan my body to find the areas most under attack. Generally, this is my head. If, for example, I have recently posted something political on Facebook, my head will get bombarded. This has held me back from public sharing on many occasions, since balls to the head can be quite distracting, and -what is worse- draw your attention away from more vital interactions taking place lower in the body.

Other common ‘attack sites’ are the heart, stomach and sexual organs. The heart is generally linked to betrayal, affection, manipulation, and people trying to get stuff from you. Stomach attacks seem to relate to professional competition (people rarely direct these at me, but I pick up the ones sent to my husband.)

The sexual organs, unsurprisingly, link to sex. Sexual ESP is a world unto itself, and hopefully I will write about it at length in the future. For now, I will just say that it has radically transformed my view of life- and not for the better. I am still trying to dig beneath conventional understandings of sex though, to understand what the energy is all about. I feel like it is the key to something huge.

2. Next, I use my hands to determine the color of the energy and what it is doing. The color part is easy. Understanding what the color is doing, though, is more confusing and sometimes ties my brain in knots. The color can be moving towards you, away from you, hiding behind another color, slithering two ways at once through a metal tube, etc.

If, for example, someone is intentionally ignoring you, you will see a ball filled with color, but the color will be moving away from you to the far side of the ball. If someone is hiding something from you, the color will hide behind a gray field. If they are hiding something from themselves (trying to be unconscious of it) the color will hide behind a clear field.

Sometimes I will see clear fields coming from James when he doesn’t want me to ESP him. Unfortunately, the clear field only attracts my attention and then it is quite easy to peak behind it.

3. Next, I check to see who the energy is coming from. This can be obvious, if it is James or someone I am familiar with. But -to my own surprise- even when it is a stranger I can usually make out their gender, hair color, age range and body type. Still, to get this information I have to squint my eyes, which can feel uncomfortable, so I sometimes skip this step out of laziness.

Keep in mind that most of these balls are not revealing fascinating secrets, but rather mundane information. If someone argues with James on Twitter, for example, they will show up as a ball. In fact, there may even be a ball for each individual tweet. So once you do this enough, you start to lose your patience for squeezing your brain just to determine the hair color of the dude James tweeted at.

4. Finally, I see what other information I can glean from the balls. Generally, this is nothing more than the basic emotion being emitted. If- however- it is an area of fascination- relating to love or secrets for example- then I will sometimes look hard enough to see images forming in the colors.

But generally, I don’t take it this far, because there are so many balls to cover that I have to keep moving. I normally do my journal for about an hour and in that time can only cover a fraction of the balls available. Because every little thing that does or doesn’t happen in this world leaves a ball behind.

Of course, it isn’t just balls. Other things I might draw in my journal include:

  • Mind overlaps. This occurs when someone is thinking about you to the extent that their mind overlaps yours and you can’t think your own thoughts. I don’t know if anyone can overlap anyone else’s mind at will, or if there have to be pre-existing conditions in place.
  • Rectangle ghosts. I wrote about these before. It is my name for when a person’s whole energy system overlaps your body at once. I mostly experienced these when I did astrology readings for people, and it is the main reason I stopped. The good part is you can get a lot of information about a person. The bad part is being filled with thoughts, feelings and urges that make no sense and can sometimes be painful or destructive. Of course, once you realize it is just someone else’s rectangle ghost you gain some amount of control over the situation.
  • Poles & Barbs: Poles are used to control people and barbs are used to injure. I mostly see poles on the head and barbs at the heart.
  • People Balls: In addition to balls representing thoughts and emotions, there is a more stable set of balls which represent the various people in your life. These balls tend to stay in the same place and remain the same color. When they do change position or color, you know something has changed in the relationship. The balls of those you are look up to appear above your head, while the balls of those you relate to as children appear beneath the shoulders.

    You will also see lines coming off these balls, which show the other people each person is connecting to. So, people with whom you have no personal relationship are still showing up in your aura, just by being connected to the same people as you. These balls and lines together look a lot like drawings of molecules.

    *
    Okay, thanks for listening, friend. Sometimes I feel isolated- as though I am living in my own world. But now that you have read this, it is a world that we share. You are a ball in my mind, and I am a ball in yours.

Random page from ESP Journal. Generally I would do maybe 3 or 4 pages like this a day & it would still be a tiny fraction of everything I could have drawn.

Sometimes when things get X rated I switch to a code to preserve the chastity of all involved. Since I am kind of paranoid when it comes to secrets, the code doesn’t translate directly into a specific language. Sometimes I can’t even read it myself, since I change the language up over time. All names are blurred except for James’s, since he told me not to. He thinks I should be more transparent & less secretive.

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Charleston, West Virginia Writings

A couple more questions about sex…

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about sex. Not the act itself but the force that drives it. What is this red thing and what is it trying to do? What is happening when a person gets aroused? What does it mean? Why can people be turned on by things that are dark and dirty, things which they themselves find disgusting, and never by ice cream cones? Or the Mona Lisa?

I think understanding sex drives is the new frontier of psychology and will shed new light on many things. One of which is men. Currently, if something arouses men it is said to be attractive, as though beauty itself is what men find stimulating. This causes women to base their own femininity on their ability to give men erections. But, is it possible, that if they understood the actual factors at play in sexual desire they would no longer consider this a worthwhile goal?

There is also the question of whether sex is always sex, or if the dick can perform multiple functions with only a superficial resemblance. Just as the mouth can eat or throw up… just as words can threaten or seduce… is it possible that an orgasm can be either an expression of desire or an act of elimination, an attempt to rid oneself of negative feelings and attachments?

Why can we feel a strong charge towards certain people, but not to others? What does this charge mean? What happens during a sexual encounter and how does it change us? Is there a lingering bond between people who have once had sex? What kind of bond is it?

What does it mean when someone has a sexual encounter in a dream? Does sex impact men and women differently, with men gaining energy through random encounters and women losing it? What makes a person gay or causes them to have a foot fetish? And why is sex important? Why does it make people lose their minds and take risks they wouldn’t take for other forms of pleasure? And is it even a pleasure or something else entirely?

Until recently, I wouldn’t have considered sex to be a significant factor in most people’s lives. But once I turned my focus onto it, I started to notice it operating more and more, as a covert yet powerful force in human affairs. Like a light in the center of the earth causing all roots to secretly dig towards it. Why? What are we really looking for?

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Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Writings

The Reptile is the Magician

Sometimes I have the urge to go to seed- to just drop my identity and normal pursuits and be nothing. That is the state I have been living in so far this year and in that state I have nothing to express. Hence no posts or new songs.

One thing, though, that has been coming more and more into my mind is the importance of our reptile brain. The brain that rules sex, survival, rage, murder, and also (I think) magic. I see this brain as residing somewhere in our genitals. Its counterpart is the mammalian brain which lives in our heart and is concerned with love, relationships, and goodness. We tend to identify much more with our mammalian self while viewing our reptile as some crude, simplistic biological piece that exists primarily for breeding and the continuation of the species.

This I do not agree with. Although the reptile speaks the language of sex and survival, these are not his true goals, much less the survival of the species (which I seriously doubt any organisms give a f-ck about.)

The reptile is our connection to the black world of death and magic. He isn’t afraid of death, because he always has one foot in death’s alternate reality. Our reptile is connected to the primordial (but hardly primitive) ooze of pure knowledge that created us and he shares this ooze’s magical powers. He has the ability to transform and recreate reality at its most fundamental and even material levels.

There are multiple parts of us that connect into different realities. Different spiritual realities, for lack of a better word. The black world of death is just one of these. Each one of these worlds contains its own symbolic language. Sex and violence are the language the world of death speaks. Violent and sexual desires that come into our mind- especially when they are not in line with our heart- are messages from the world of death. This world can also speak to us through creativity and dreams (although both of these can emanate from other worlds as well.)

There is way more to say on this subject, but I am just beginning to figure things out. All I want to get across right now is this message: The reptile is far from a simpleton. He is a magician.

Categories
Astrology Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Uncategorized Videos Yellow, Gold, Kings, Fathers, and the Sun

Looking for a King (Video)

A song about kings, as we approach the month of kings. Sometimes I think the whole winter is the time of kings, it is so solemn and intent on not letting anyone have fun. Plus, it is a time when the amount of money you have comes to the forefront.

Probably due to the fact that Pluto- the dark God of the underworld- has recently entered my House of Money, money has become a subject of interest for me. Not actually making it, of course. More like bringing it up in conversations to make people squirm. Nothing is more deliciously taboo than money, not even sex.

Why is money taboo? Well, when you are poor you can’t let anyone know, or they will realize you are powerless and treat you with less respect. And when you are rich, you can’t let anyone know or they will try to take your money. I find all of that incredibly exciting.

Another thing I love about money is how it allows you to perform simple tests to find out if others care about you (hint: they don’t.) People throw words of love at each other all the time, but how many will back up their words with cold hard cash? Of course, you have to be careful when running these tests, because there are people in the world who are truly generous and still don’t care about you. And some who are generous just long enough to hook their fish. But still, I think it is a good idea to ask your friend for $100 dollars every now and then, and if they say no, never talk to them again.

And now I am remembering all the times friends asked me for money & I said no. I always said no, because I hate to give people money… maybe this is not a good test after all. I am not greedy, you know. In fact, I doubt I have based a single life choice around gaining money (unfortunately.) But I am stingy. Once I get a dollar bill in my hand, I don’t want to let it go. And a true friend would never ask me to.

Money, gifts, and shiny balls… come to Julien now!!!