number 1

I shouldn’t really have a photo of James on a post about trying to become a #1, but here it is. A photo from seven years ago when we lived in an all pink apartment. At the time, it was the only color I could tolerate. Please notice how much James eats. Do you think that is for show? No. He has two burgers, a chicken sandwich, chicken nuggets and two types of fries. He has the ability to eat everything or nothing at all, for days on end. At the time of this photo, I would only eat desserts. I couldn’t stand the smell of savory food and James would have to eat REALLY FAST (like 30 seconds or less) to keep me from freaking out. This pink apartment was also the place where I worked out a number of psychological issues which finally enabled me to tolerate all of colors, flavors, and smells. 🙂

Goodbye astrology readings. Goodbye ESP Journal. There must be no more staring into the mist. No more checking James’s phone for Snapchat every time he takes a shower.* No more obsessing over other people in general.

My goal now is to become an individual. To not just be a perceiver but also something that can be perceived. A specific, down-to-earth human with a personality, face and history attached.

If I had to describe my self as a number, I would be a 2 for sure. It is so easy for me to get lost in obsessing over other people, analyzing them, drawing their rectangle ghosts in my journal, absorbing their feelings and problems. Whereas the thought of being an individual, a separate stand alone entity, is inconceivable. And that is what must change. I have to find a way to become a number 1.

Two things that have always freaked me out are mirrors and photographs. My own image unnerves me, but also anything that reminds me of my own existence- from a certificate with my name on it to a picture I painted. The sound of my own music sends me into a panic. I don’t know why. I just find it easier to live as a shapeless octopus at the bottom of the ocean, watching and absorbing the colors around me, blissfully unaware of my own existence.

Everywhere I go, I seem to learn a lot about the people around me while remaining relatively unknown myself. It is easy for me to be fascinated by the tiniest details of someone’s life. It is less easy for me to share details about myself. My own self and life seem transparent and lacking a definite form…

And now I can no longer think because my husband is falling asleep. The second he begins to fall asleep thick creamy brainwaves fog up my mind, sometimes containing horrible emotions as well. It causes a headache and makes clarity impossible. Does anyone else have this problem? It is especially troublesome since he enjoys taking naps. Sometimes it can take hours for the goo to leave my head. I guess it would not be easy being married to me.

But still (I am now on the opposite floor & side of the house, trying to escape the white glaze) I am hopeful that by becoming more of an individual, these cracks will begin to seal up, and I will be less impacted by the emanations of others.

There is no point trying. I am not going to be able to outrun these brainwaves, so I must bring my musings to a close before my brain fogs over completely. The basic point is I must learn to become an individual, a number one. Perhaps I should start taking selfies. So far, I have only taken one, as a dare to myself, whoever that is.

My first selfie… doesn’t it seem so wrong though? Maybe I should sit up while taking it, to give it a more professional feeling.

Me (on the right) trying to get as far away from the phone as possible and smiling in horror that James has chosen to ruin a perfectly good moment by taking a photograph. We were waiting out a rainstorm in an alcove of the capital building. The strange look on James’s face is due to him saying very out of character things in an effort to make me smile, which is so hard to do with a camera around. He is probably saying how cute he thinks some man is and how he would like to cover his body in scented creams.

*No Snapchat or related items were found. But as a Scorpio, I enjoyed looking.