naked men

I cannot get behind Halloween as a holiday for adults. Barf! How weenie!

Maybe it is due to psychological problems on my part, but I have no urge to get dressed up as a pumpkin or go trick-or-treating.

If we must have adult holidays (especially during the Scorpio season) couldn’t we at least choose something with a little teeth?

Here are a few ideas for adult Halloween traditions that would be far superior to a regressive fantasy dress-up day…

1. A day when men challenge their enemies to a duel. Not a fight to the death, just a good old-fashioned fist fight where the loser gets beaten to a pulp.

2. A day when everyone publishes their darkest secrets anonymously in the newspaper.

3. A day when people send love letters (anonymous or not) to anyone they currently or have ever had feelings for.

4. A day when people spend the night in forests, cemeteries, or -for extra credit- buried alive beneath the earth. (With a straw to enable breathing, of course. )

5. A day of truth & dare, where you ask people personal questions and if they don’t want to answer you select a reasonable dare for them to perform.

6. A day where everyone spends the daylight hours huddled in the basement in total silence.

7. A day when men compete to eat the most disgusting things imaginable.

8. A day when everyone spends 1% of their yearly income on gifts for a surprise recipient outside their family.

10. A day when men walk naked door to door at sunset, confessing their secrets & receiving a hard slap from women in return. (This is obviously the best idea of all.)

11. A day when men gather to take nude photo shoots with their male family members which are then published in the paper.

The possibilities are endless of course, but the point is this- We are adults! We no longer have to get our thrills by retreating to the pathetic amusements of youth!

Why not instead have holidays which challenge us and push us to step beyond the normal patterns of life? The time for pretending to be something has passed. Now is the time for actually becoming it.

I wrote this song while living in Los Angeles, in the tiniest apartment ever- just 100 square feet. The name of the apartment was Egg Nest, and I was very proud of it. It consisted of a little white day bed that had tiny flowers painted on its post, one wicker chest of drawers, an easel, a miniature guitar, a tiny refrigerator and a small plant hospital. On top of the wicker dresser I would keep my stereo, one scented candle, one pink Cosmo flower, and a few animal figurines. The walls were painted pink and adorned with pastel portraits of men, whom I viewed as my protectors.

The walls in my apartment were so thin that I couldn’t brush my hair without waking up my neighbor. This seemed like a metaphor for the minds of the people who lived in L.A. On the one hand, the thin membranes of their minds were what I loved the most- everyone was so open and so willing to consider and imagine anything. On the other hand, the city was filled with industries that preyed upon these vulnerable brains, mine included. Eventually, I had to upgrade my protective portraits to pictures of the most threatening men in existence- naked ones.

Download MP3: Looking for a King