Hi, I wanted to write a blog post but I decided to try speaking in video again because the fact is that I have to switch things up in this way or else I will get exploded by Uranus since he is currently passing through my house of work…. he is opposing my sun too which means I need to get a nose ring or something….
If anyone is reading this, please say hi. I have been isolating myself in an attempt to get more work done & stay out of trouble but it is really getting to me…
Tag: money
Hello
My practilife is going ok. An ongoing issue is transportation. I walk in the day (busses cost money without saving much time) but at night don’t know how to calculate the odds of danger. One friend sent me a taser which allows you to electrocute people if they get too close. Another said a crossbody bag keeps you safe from muggers so I bought one. I’ve never needed a purse before since I had no keys, phone or wallet. Now I mumble keys phone wallet… keys phone wallet….to myself one hundred times a day. You keep these three on you at all times.
I tried to select a crossbody bag that says Professional Crisp. The one that arrived looks more like Back to Preschool. This is a problem because people keep asking if I’m autistic. Pretty sure this is code for retarded. So Not Retarded is the main message I want my clothes to send.
I know it is bad to use the word retarded. And cool- almost trendy at the moment- to be autistic. Just one more reason I don’t want to be seen that way. Not to mention that it *won’t* be cool anymore once the wheel of the gods turn a bit further. I’m trying to prepare for the future by building a competent Can Do persona. You should too.
But back to the purse- not only does its shape seem dimwitted, its color is too noticeable. I thought it was light colored when I bought it. My goal for now is to blend in. There are too many holes in my skill set to completely avoid a retarded feeling. But I can avoid becoming a Famous Retarded Person. I don’t want people pointing me out as they drive by in their cars.
Maybe I shouldn’t care though because the other weak spot in my practivitization is that I don’t know anyone where I live. I have learned though that long distance friendships are very real. Not only did facebook friends send me enough money to make it through the initial crisis, they also patiently explained how everything in the practiworld works & even called 911 for me when I couldn’t figure out how to do it.
I couldn’t breath & thought I was going to lose consciousness. But when the cops and ambulance arrived a few minutes later then I could breath and felt so bad for wasting their time even though they were really kind. They asked me if I wanted to get into the ambulance just in case. But being laid out horizontally & placed in the back of a mini van is actually one of my worst nightmares. I associate it with being retarded.
So anyway, I am not sure how to meat people where I live. Friends have suggested open mics. But can me and musicians be friends? I feel like we’re oil & water. It’s a bro culture. You aren’t supposed to care about things smelling bad and being covered in goo. Worse than a bro culture, though, cause it specifically revolves around young, lazy men with no moral compass. Still, I’m trying to be open minded. I might have bad ideas about musicians that it’s time to release.. I’ll try to meet some just in case we get along. Maybe I’d like doing drugs. My facebook friends are always high.
Or maybe astrology readings would be better. Then I’d be dealing mostly with women. And you really get to know people when you read for them. I like the feeling of becoming no one & focusing on someone else’s problems. People’s lives are so much messier than anyone lets on. Realizing this has made me more socially comfortable.
And if you’re wondering how I’m currently able to survive, it’s mostly through my new identity as Arabian Merchant. Selling on ebay. It’s a decent fit for me because shopping is my one true vice. And I’m finding most things in my bulging vault of possessions have gone up in value since I bought them. I’m able to make a profit while clearing space for future shopping. I’m like a fat person who finally got a tapeworm. Now mama eats what she wants.
No Words
Well, it has happened. My worst nightmare has come true. James is gone. I don’t know if he’s coming back but it’s not likely to be soon.
Let’s start with the practical. I’ll break it down for you.
No money. No access to his money. No knowledge of money. Never paid a bill. Don’t even know what bills exist. No phone. No car. No family. No friends.* Two big dogs both stronger than me.
Water gets turned off. I panic and start opening all mail. James didn’t let me open mail before. Realize internet and electricity are about to go. Facebook friends come to the rescue. They send me money. I get water back on and pay just enough of the other bills to prevent disaster. I’ve never dealt with these things before. Had facebook friends not shared money (and knowledge), I would be doomed. Who gives people money? They did.
Had no food but a facebook friend drove over with 5,000 pounds of raisins, pistachios, canned salmon, canned pears, macaroni & cheese and applesauce. She just dropped it off and vanished. Crates of food so heavy I couldn’t lift them. I won’t starve.
Another friend brought me elderberry juice, the only thing that relieves the weakness in my kidneys that can make it hard to move. I didn’t know how I was going to get by without it. So my body will survive for the next few weeks.
But house is in foreclosure. In two days, someone comes to appraise it. But how can they appraise it when Patton will try to bite them? I couldn’t lock him in a room even if I wanted to. If he hears a bunch of freaks roaming around he will bust a door to get at them. I used to feel ashamed of having the meanest dog in Charleston, but now he makes me feel safe. He is the reason I sleep at night.
And if the house does get foreclosed, what do I do? Move all my possessions onto the sidewalk and sit next to them?
Still, the immediate crisis has been cleared. That itself is a miracle. The amount of skills gained has been insane. I found a phone in the house and managed to activate it. I went to court. I learned about apps. I discovered porn of myself online. I picked up dog turds with a bag. I made decisions on my own without considering what James would do. I’ve even made a few decisions he would disapprove of. Because I thought they were the right thing. I wish I’d done that sooner.
But the future remains foggy. I can’t remain a charity case much longer. I’ve been listing everything I own on ebay, hoping to make money while reducing the number of items I’ll need to place on the sidewalk. I’ve ordered business cards for astrology readings and plan to start promoting myself.
People are cheering me on. Others are critical, as though I’m getting my just desserts. Was I a slacker before? I cooked, I cleaned, I tried to fulfill my purpose. Yeah I got screwed but so did Jesus. Is that always a sign you made the wrong choice?
And why do I sound so crisp and glib while facing utter ruin? I don’t know. I keep switching into practimode where I feel nothing at all. Then I can’t stop crying. An ambulance came cause I couldn’t breathe. Losing James is not something I can wrap my mind around.
But I don’t even know if I’ve lost him. I’m not allowed to talk with him for six weeks.
Husband 1, in a past life, belonged to a race known as the Wise Ones. Wise Ones lived in lavish castles. They did not work. The vibration of their souls attracted great wealth to them. When Wise Ones incarnate on the earth plane however, they struggle to survive without the riches their soul is accustomed to. This can lead to depression and even heart failure.
Sometimes husband would lie on the floor with his hands on his chest, struggling to breath, too heavy for this world. The only thing that could save him was millions of dollars.
It seemed unlikely he could earn the money himself. Years of job aptitude tests had uncovered only two potential career options- wine tasting & boob feeling. I tried to find him a job in the boob feeling industry but massage therapy was too demanding. He got a job in a wine store but they only paid minimum wage.
I painted, wrote songs & made a little money but not enough to support us much less give him the lifestyle he deserved. Then he read a book on channeling and decided that I could channel information on how we could manifest millions of dollars straight from the ethers.
I didn’t feel great about this. Becoming a hollow tube for other beings to speak through wasn’t my cup of tea and I didn’t think I could do it anyway. But he needed millions of dollars within the next few months and I didn’t have a better idea.
So…. to make a long story short, I channeled that we should rename our apartment Archimedian Estates and paint everything inside it pink, gold & black. And we needed to fill it with 100 species of plants & a pet from each animal kingdom. This would make us millionaires.
A couple months later, the whole place was pink, black and gold. We had 26 plants, one snake, two birds, a fish and an eviction notice. Far from being millionaires, husband was now hitting up my friends and family for money- a humiliating fate. We separated then. I felt maybe, just maybe, I could eke out an existence alone, but there was no way in hell I could support a Wise One. They need all of life’s finest things just to survive.
The world was harder than I imagined though and a year later we were back together. The need for channeling picked up. Could I channel Mary, Archangel Michael, the Moon, the spirit of Fame? It made my head feel weird. But if I objected he would say “Hang on- I need to ask Auriel about this!” He yelled at me constantly but never at the other beings. Sometimes I would switch into them just as a safe spot.
Channeling snowballed fast. Before long Julien had been pushed out altogether and replaced by an ever growing cast of characters. It was no longer about channeling advice either. Now it was about him connecting to different women who were his wives and all these different humanoids who were his children.
His children included 5 giants- Brownie, Big Stuff, Ned, Ted & Fred. 1,000 genies called ‘the Hectors.’ And various others such as Sweet Cookie, Shelley, Fufu, Hunkdehunk, Sweetsie & Cherry Lemonade Spritz.
His wives are harder to remember but included Clementine, Ambrosia, Auriel & Earth. He would have sex with them. In general he preferred a different type of female than me- the Strong Business Woman. His wives were closer to this ideal. They even had different bodies.
I don’t know how long the period lasted in which I was continuously other people. Maybe 5 years. During this time husband got a job at Target. I would stay home reading books on magic & trying to do impossible things. Home was various places, like motels in the middle of deserts. Basements on the outskirts of Brooklyn.
I no longer ate normal food but subsisted on weird things like Chuckles & Jello. I liked these foods because they resembled the jell loafs Auriel ate in her world. I didn’t have normal clothes either. At one point the only thing I had to wear was a little girl’s cheerleading skirt he brought me home from Target & a teddy bear sweater (a sweater made for a teddy bear) which I wore as a hat.
Sometimes I would write songs but mostly I was plagued by weird fears, like my legs falling off. Unresolvable mental dilemmas would torture me for days like whether my soul smelled more like rose or ylang ylang. I would prank call people or send them weird letters & they would think I was scary.
I knew I had fallen out of step with society & felt ashamed but couldn’t find my way back. The only person I spoke with was my husband but he didn’t speak to me, just through me to his wives and children. I could no longer choose to not channel them since that would mean separating a man from his entire family, an inhumane act by any standards. They seemed to bring him joy.
And to this day I struggle with dissociative identity disorder. Maybe. But I don’t know if this is related to the time I spent being other people or not.
The End
Recently I have been obsessed with the color brown… in the past few years, my life has been so immaterial… always using the internet & social media to escape physical reality… now I am hoping my life can become all about the physical world and I can crack it open like a big fat nut.
I just want to go to restaurants and buy clothes covered in little flowers and meet people with physical bodies that don’t smell bad. I want to have a big red car and drive around to see the mountains and coal factories without worrying about the price of gas. I want to drive all the way to the ocean and buy a house right next to it. I want my houses to be glossy & historical, like lacquered chestnuts. I want to spend my time wondering if I detect notes of blueberries in a bottle of wine. I want to eat sushi. I want to pay people to massage me with their elbows. I want to stop at gas stations and grab red bulls for the road, checking to see if they sell pink t-shirts as well. I want to collect Fiestaware from the past, when they made it in earth tones and pastel colors. I want to deck my dogs out in expensive plaid collars & take them to the salon to get their hair puffed up like a couple of politicians. I want to buy them takeout from expensive restaurants. Eat lobster rolls with them every Sunday. I want arch supports for all my shoes. Pictures hanging in frames from my walls. To buy expensive jewelry and keep it in a pink safe. To panic if the scent of my body lotion does not match my shampoo. I want to be a lady who lunches & worry about whatever they worry about. AHHHH… this is a great dream! Being buried alive in the material world… I want this so bad!!!
****
Oh- this has nothing to do with the song though… just my thoughts of the moment. Here are the lyrics….
To adore me you must
Go before me
Build a path for me.
Laying stones down you
Must prepare the ground
Build a home for me.
Remember when you fall so far
Remember I was there for you to give you something more
Softly touch me we’re noplace now- this is just a dream.
Fingers through your skin- you were never just a friend.
We are family.
Looking your eyes
All the lies
Beautiful to me.
You say you won’t hurt me no more
Well what else are friends for?
Someone to believe.
Remember when you fall so hard
Remember I was there for you, always safe and warm.
Softly touch me we’re noplace now- this is just a dream.
Fingers through your skin- you were never just a friend.
We are family.
Closing my eyes, I
See it all unfurl
I know how it ends.
Dark things fly towards me
Still you walk before me
Vanish round the bend.
And all the stars that beg for you
To sparkle in your time.
Remember I was there for you
Second in the line.
Softly touch me we’re noplace now- this is just a dream.
Fingers through your skin, you were never just a friend.
We are family.
I have been meaning to publish this for a month but I hate dealing with images of myself so much that I always procrastinate. Hearing myself sing makes me feel weird too.
Also, things have been so strange recently that I haven’t been able to play music until today, when finally I climbed back into being myself.
2020 was a weird year for many people due to all these bad planets forming a single mega-planet in the grim sign of Capricorn. It had been a dark year for me filled with many fears, mostly relating to money, marriage, totalitarian governments and eternal boredom. When I realized a couple of these planets were about to be moving into Aquarius- breaking up this monster after a year of total darkness- I got a little carried away with celebrating & think I accidentally got possessed by something in the process.
Which is why I have spent the last month setting up my Cardano stake pool & promoting it, trying to get people to stake, helping them with technical difficulties etc. If you knew me, you would realize how completely out of character this is. I would wake up in the morning, start watching tech videos & be at it- learning and helping others- until 5 am. Suddenly it was really easy for me to learn & understand these things. I found them interesting. It was very odd considering how much I hate all things tech. I can barely bring myself to record my own songs.
Eventually though, I was so different from my regular self that I started to get worried. I was so mental- basically 100% brain. I couldn’t even relate to the idea of ever having been a musician. Plus, I couldn’t turn it off. Solving tech problems & learning from dusk till dawn. I started to feel like the girl in that fairy tale who puts on dancing shoes that make her dance until she drops dead.
So, I tried to do an intervention on myself. I took down all the Aquarian things I had hung up on my walls so they are blank pink slates again. A few days later, I am starting to go back to normal. Luckily, I seem to have retained what I learned, so maybe I can be myself AND a tech zillionaire.
As you know, dying of poverty has been one of my dominant fears over the past few years, so to have hope of a different future feels…. well, it feels like the darkness has ended. And hope is actually what Aquarius stands for.
I LOVE YOU AQUARIUS! I’M SORRY FOR ALL THE BAD THINGS I SAID ABOUT YOU IN THE PAST!! Thank you for being my friend.
Live in a sea of broken glass
Pieces were shining everywhere
Somebody turned to walk around
Somebody watching from the stairs
Pick up the piece to find you
Has this always been your face?
Pick up the piece behind you
Has this always been your face?
Watching the moonlight dripping down
Watching the starlight spin away
Everything moves around and round
Never a way to make you stay
Pick up the piece to find you
Has this always been your face?
Pick up the piece behind you
Has this always been your face?
Mirrors were broken on the ground
Pick up a piece to keep me sound
You leave the room and then you’re gone
Watching the walls spin round & round
How can I not believe in you?
You were the one man standing there
Everyone knows the things you do
But underneath it all you care
Swim in a sea of broken glass
Throwing the rainbows on the wall
Breathing so hard I have to gasp
Caught in the ecstasy I fall
Pick up the piece to find you
Has this always been your face?
Pick up the piece behind you
Has this always been your face?
Hi, I have been wanting to write in here for a while, but too confused & conflicted to know what to say. I keep writing things & deleting them because there are too many parts of myself (or possibly parts of other people) vying for control.
It is so cold, but luckily I have a space heater & as long as I sit right in front of it I am okay. This has forced me to do lots of boring things, like obsess endlessly over minor astrology transits & review relevant moments in my journals. (I have 100 million.)
One thing I have noticed from reading them is that my perceptions are uncannily accurate, but my thoughts & interpretations are absurdly offbase. I recorded all these dreams which -with the benefit of hindsight- I can see were quite literal. But my interpretations of them could not have been more absurd. I just interpreted things as meaning whatever I wanted them to mean rather than seeing what was staring right at me in the face.
Is it bad luck to tell people your dreams? I mean desire dreams. My greatest dream is to discover my own form of astrological magic. These past couple weeks it seemed as though I had done just that. I ‘tapped’ into a couple transits I was having and BAM!- I seemed to become a different person overnight. I opened a Cardano Stake pool (AKLEI- and I hope you will stake with me) and started promoting it and messaging people about it obsessively- something extremely out of character for me- but you see Pluto is currently moving through my house of money to sextile my sun & this was the transit that I tapped.
Eventually though, the change in my character became so intense I couldn’t tell if I was obsessed or possessed. Slowing down was impossible & it felt as though in a moment I had suddenly become a different person. I was waking up to watch tech videos, helping streams of friends solve their tech problems & discussing tech with my husband at night. All this started to make me wonder if was approaching magic in the wrong way. The changes were not bad per se… just weird.
But my intention had been to try to become someone else until the spring anyway, because right now life is hard & I needed a means of escape. Focusing on tech & money- for better or worse- is helpful for separating from life’s physical & emotional aspects. The physical are probably the hardest. It is just so freaking cold & I have anemia but no money for iron supplements, making it hard to do things like play guitar. I just thought if I had some way of escaping until spring then things would be easier. In spring it will be warm for starters & the price of Cardano should be on the rise, making it easier to purchase things.
In spring, I will be able to walk around. Right now it is hard to even walk around my house & I hate to stay in one place.
P.S. If you have any thoughts, please do comment or contact me. I like connecting with people more than dancing for an invisible audience.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6xAVlT5Gfs
Hold my head in my hands and I struggle to think
I cannot understand, I can never be sure
Though I struggle to stand, still I have one more drink
Then I follow the hand that will open the door
And he will be there for sure.
In the blue of your room where you fall over me
I begin to forget when you hover above
Till our minds overlap, like a bubble I break
Spilling into your hand, dripping down on the rug
And we will live for love.
Change me. Change me.
You could teach me the things that you know
You could give me the money that you’ve made
Lay your hands on my fingers let me know
All the things that you want for me to say.
As long as you will stay
I tried so hard to pray, but they didn’t respond
They just fluttered away, so I reached for a pill
Till the waves came to crash, cold and aquamarine
I swore I would obey, I would follow your will
As long as you love me still.
Change me. Change me.
You will teach me the things that you know
You will give me the money that you’ve made
I don’t know where the things with wings they go
Why the sound of a scream they flow away…
And so I will stay.
I remained in the bath till you pulled me beneath
Till you pulled at my hair but I didn’t resist
I could feel you around blending into the air
Looking aquamarine and I gave you my wrist
And we will live for this.
Change me. Change me.
I remained in the bath till you pulled me beneath
Till you pulled at my hair but I didn’t resist
I could feel you around, blending into the air
Looking aquamarine and I gave you my wrist.
I could see in your mind, it was just like a dream
All the things that were gone and those that stayed
But I stayed there to long and I struggled breath
But we always knew there’d be a price to pay.
Hold my head in my hands and I struggle to think
I cannot understand, I can never be sure
Though I struggle to stand, still I have one more drink
Then I follow the hand that will open the door
And he will be there for sure.
In the blue of your room where you fall over me
I begin to forget when you hover above
Till our minds overlap, like a bubble I break
Spilling into your hand, dripping down on the rug
And we will live for love.
Change me. Change me.
You could teach me the things that you know
You could give me the money that you’ve made
Lay your hands on my fingers let me know
All the things that you want for me to say.
As long as you will stay
I tried so hard to pray, but they didn’t respond
They just fluttered away, so I reached for a pill
Till the waves came to crash, cold and aquamarine
I swore I would obey, I would follow your will
As long as you love me still.
Change me. Change me.
You will teach me the things that you know
You will give me the money that you’ve made
I don’t know where the things with wings they go
Why the sound of a scream they flow away…
And so I will stay.
I remained in the bath till you pulled me beneath
Till you pulled at my hair but I didn’t resist
I could feel you around blending into the air
Looking aquamarine and I gave you my wrist
And we will live for this.
Change me. Change me.
I remained in the bath till you pulled me beneath
Till you pulled at my hair but I didn’t resist
I could feel you around, blending into the air
Looking aquamarine and I gave you my wrist.
I could see in your mind, it was just like a dream
All the things that were gone and those that stayed
But I stayed there too long and I struggled to breath
But we always knew there’d be a price to pay.
Mp3: Aquamarine