Look at you and listen to what you say Follow you whereever you will stay
For so many years I ran away places where I’d hide I want you to hold me there inside.
Look at you a smile fills up my mind Feeling warm and burgundy with wine
For so many years I dreamed of places far away I want you to take me there today
Will you hold my hand when I follow you so far underground? Will you pin me there when I’m quivering darkness all around? Will you bring me down?
Looking down and smiling to the side All the secrets that I hold inside
When he turned to burgundy drag me cross the floor I cry, then go back for more
Will you hold my hand when I follow you so far underground? Will you pin me there when I’m quivering darkness all around? Will you bring me down?
Look at you another shade of red Rub my eyes and stumble back to bed All the ropes and wine and fantasy scattered on the floor Rest first then go back for more
When I think of you, I suffocate something I can’t find Could you hurt me pull me back again somewhere in my mind?
When you seperate me suffocate dragging on the floor All the voices hurt me teling me maybe I want more Will you bring me down?
Will you hold my hand when I follow you so far underground? Will you pin me there when I’m quivering darkness all around? Will you bring me down?
They say the rain will play that song again You know the way it will go. To feel his net within my mind again I’ll lead the way even so.
But if you’re gonna take a one time stand, then you’re a one time man You don’t know the way. If you want to say that they was wrong when they was barely born Save it for another day.
If you want to take the easy way and fly First you walk to the window by my side- Water running through the drain and Everything remains the same and
If you want to find the open road and go First you walk to the window and you’ll know- Clouds are foaming in the blue, man. Do you think they’re reforming you man?
I feel the baker take her time again Stir slow, stir slow all of the corn. Green fields appear within my mind again Grow slow, grow slow, only born.
But if you’re gonna take a one time stand, then you’re a one time man You don’t know the way. If you want to say that they was wrong when they was barely born Save it for another day.
If you want to take the easy way and fly First you’ll walk to the window by my side- Water running through the drain and Everything remain the same and
If you want to find the open road and go First you’ll walk to the window and you’ll know- Clouds are foaming in the blue, man. Do you think that they’re reforming you man?
You know the way to pull that cold from me Pull hard, pull hard, pull with your hand. My hair was rope inside your hand, you see Pull hard, pull hard see if you can.
But if you’re gonna take a one time stand, then you’re a one time man You don’t know the way. If you want to say that they was wrong when they was barely born Save it for another day.
If you want to take the easy way and fly First you’ll walk to the window by my side- Water running through the drain and Everything remains the same and
If you want to find the open road and go First you’ll walk to the window and you’ll know- Clouds are foaming in the blue, man. Do you think they’re reforming you man?
Look around and hope to see you Look around and wonder where you been Like a man you come towards me Hold you like a razor in my hand
Oooooo… you always knew the way But I could never see the way The fire was in my eyes- it burns and still I’m fine Why can’t someone love you for a long long time?
Dancing with you at the bar All the stars they circle round to fall Come close stick the pin into me You love me cause I can take it all
Oooooo… you always knew the way But I could never see the way The fire was in my eyes- it burns and still I’m fine Why can’t someone love you for a long long time?
Believe in things that cut you most Believe in magic like a ghost I swear I’ve never felt this way before You move towards the open door
Then turn It burns but still I’m fine It burns but still I’m fine Why can’t someoe love you for a long long time?
Leave the ones who love you Tell yourself they did you wrong Now you’re drinking in your bedroom Ceilings come to comfort you they fall on you like song.
Tell yourself they left you Every single day Clouds will come haunt you and pull you away Ride into the blue now. Ride it all away. Cause you change your mind to make it all okay.
I remember you now Seemed like we were one Wrap myself in your arms and your skin, I’m done I remember you now. Every single day. And you’ll change your mind to make it all okay.
Follow the things that lie Follow the things that change Follow the ways that times flows slowly into lines.
Cut from an easy time Cut from an easy strain Cut from the way that time flows slowly Slowly drifting into lies.
Thinking of your body Wasn’t even that Clouds will come to haunt you and cover you flat.
Only wanted something You couldn’t even try Reach for clouds to warn you, they turn you goodbye.
Follow the things that lie Follow the things that change Follow the ways that times flows slowly into lines.
Cut from an easy time Cut from an easy strain Cut from the way that time flows slowly Slowly drifting into lies.
Well I know that he twist me Didn’t want me around. Walked off cold, didn’t miss me. So I’m on my way down to the town like a ho.
Oh nowhere to go but the sky, dark Shining for me all alone On my way home.
First they sneak up behind you And they want you so bad Then they roll off to race for the river Leaving you broken and sad so you go to the hole.
Oh nowhere to go but the sky, dark Shining for me all alone On my way home.
First the sound of the river will make you insane. But as long as he wants you, then you will remain You’ll just stay there amazed You’ll just lay in the dark.
First he show you the starlight Then he show you the rain But when his footsteps so dark make you quiver Then really how can you complain? You just lay on the ground.
Following you, you walk ahead of me Don’t need no one to tell me the things that my eyes can see. You look at your cars & you play all your games & I follow you round that’s the way that God made me.
And I want you to protect me but I know you won’t So I change my mind to make it all okay. Cause I know what you love most is just to be alone Because you love space so I fade away.
You don’t like my dog, you want me to be tan But when I reach for you, you feel like a man. And I watch you so careful, you stare at your beer And you talk about where you think you’ll go fishing next year.
And I want you to protect me but you think that’s gay Because you love space so I fade away.
Touch your face your nose your hair I love you. Wrap my arms around. Turn your head you pull your herb out. Then the light go down.
Gotta be silent, I gotta not to scream Cause said that loud noises can trigger your PTSD. So I ride in your car as the Tom Petty plays And you sing at the top of your lungs how you’re free falling.
And I wish you would protect me but I know you wont So I write a song to make it all okay. And my friends all tell me that I would be better alone Cause they hear me crying every other day. Fade Away.
I’ve decided that- as an experiment- I will make a few pacts with myself for the next couple years. These pacts have one shared purpose- to not abandon myself for a man.
Unless I find someone who is absolutely devoted to me, I will not be committed to anyone. This means- barring a man who wants to marry me, take a bullet for me, give me all his money & live with me in the afterlife- I am not going to be anyone’s girlfriend.
What is the point in being a girlfriend? It’s not a commitment. It just means you belong to someone until they dump you. If it is some kind of test run for marriage then okay. But otherwise, being someone’s temporary whore seems ridiculous. It gives you the feeling of having someone when really you don’t.
This isn’t a pact but just a strong suggestion to myself to avoid having sex. Men call sex “fun” but that is gross to me. Maybe it would be “fun” to set your house on fire but you don’t do it because the consequences are severe.
Sex is a magic spell that holds women in thrall. Christians talk about submission as a moral attainment. When really submission is a state that occurs naturally when you have sex with someone. Sex awakens powerful instincts of trust & devotion that may not be merited by this person. A man has to love you A LOT and be a very good person for this to be a wise course of action. The problem is… if he is trying to have sex with you that is exactly the sort of person he will appear to be.
It’s the sex paradox… his true character will only come out AFTER you’ve had sex but by then you will be too attached to leave him anyway.
This is the most important part. I am going to attempt to freely express myself. In my astrology chart, it is expressing myself- about things that are secret, magical, emotional or even (gasp!) sexual- with no regard for how others will take it- that moves me towards my destiny. I want to try moving towards my destiny for a couple years.
The main thing that keeps me silent are men. I feel like their testicles are these little eggs and one wrong word from me will shatter them. Then I deserve what happens next. I feel so guilty when I fear I may have disrespected them that I begin to punish myself.
But I gotta let myself off that hook for just two years- as an experiment- and say its okay if I’m disrespectful. It’s okay if I say something men don’t like. My zodiac chart indicates that I must avoid at all costs becoming an unctuous servant. I need to speak and sing and let the chips fall where they may.
For two years I can try to see what happens if I place true expression above pleasing people. Thinking of this fills me with fear but that’s why I’ve begun collecting red stones.
Perhaps no one can love you anyway if you aren’t being yourself. If someone loves you because you are down on your knees kissing them is that love or something else?
But philosophical considerations aside, in real life, my abandonment panic controls me, overwhelming all reasonable considerations. I’m a love addict basically. I stop having needs cause men don’t like those. I stop talking cause the brains of men are easily taxed.
And I enjoy being a clear blob to a large extent because it allows me to absorb the flavor of the other person. The problem is a point inevitably arrives when something VERY IMPORTANT must be expressed or asked for. A boundary must at last be set or things begin spinning in the wrong direction And then I find myself frozen. Unable to express it. And even when I do manage to, the person rarely honors it cause why would they? If they wanted someone with expectations they wouldn’t have chosen me to begin with. Being nothing is my selling point.
That’s why for two years I am going to take a risk & follow the destiny outlined in my zodiac chart. To place the focus on expressing myself and let the chips with people fall where they may.
It is extra challenging because I feel so insecure in terms of survival. I might be homeless soon. I spend about 4 hours a day crying. I apply to jobs every day but my resume is just a blank sheet of paper. This seems like the time to suck dick if ever there was one.
But the idea in astrology is that under stress people tend to run in the wrong direction. So for me, the less sure I feel of survival, the more I focus on being polite & servile. When really I should do the opposite- become bolder & more expressive because that is where my luck lies.
As an experiment I want to try placing my faith in this idea for two years to see if it actually works!
And by the way- if you got some money- I can tell you where your destiny lies too! Contact me at [email protected]!
Playing a gig with Slippers at a bookstore. Look how happy she is! Sometimes I feel like an absolute loser because I have not yet increased my income nearly enough & am facing utter ruin. On the other hand, a couple years ago I would have been terrified to walk into a bookstore. Now I carried all my equipment there on my back while walking Slippers, set up and played without even really feeling nervous. So at least I have grown a lot even tho its not yet reflected in my bank account.
I love candles. Many times a single candle has altered the course of my life.
Last night I lit a red candle and BAM!! All these realizations about sex started flooding me. I saw how it merges two people’s energy & if the man doesn’t value your survival & material well being as his own you best steer clear, cause he will dilute your energy. The energy you need to survive. Especially for someone like me who feels precarious in her own survival to begin with.
Wanting a man to invest in you materially isn’t selfish…. why would you merge your material body with someone who doesn’t love you that much? I invest in Slippers materially and take responsibility for her life. Even tho I suck at survival it isn’t that hard to expand your sense of self to include someone else. This should be the minimum sort of love a person has before you risk merging with them.
Cause for me, if I have sex with someone I become very attached. My mind and emotions are constantly drifting towards them. Why would you want to spend all day thinking about someone who wouldn’t even buy you groceries? It doesn’t make any sense. Until you find someone who at least loves you that much you should hold your energy inside cause you’ll need it. Cause I think survival is hard for females. At least for me.
It’s is hard for me to think practically, logically, selfishly and strategically which is how you need to think for survival. How would a man feel if he was expected to jack off to purple rectangles? It’s not how he’s wired up.
But men are more selfish & strategic by nature. (Not to mention that their testicles are 2 extra brains devoted to survival.) It’s what makes it dangerous to be intimate with a man unless his sense of self has expanded to include you. Because although men are designed to be selfish, they also have the ability to expand their sense of self to include wife, children, family, clan, country etc. In this way they are selfish and unselfish at the same time.
But don’t place your well being at the mercy of a man who sense of self does not include you. Because to people outside this sense of self they are ruthless.
This hit me like lightning last night. I was lighting a red candle to help me be better at surviving because I don’t know what I’m going to do for money yet. I lost my last job for not conning people hard enough & the two jobs before that were both lost for crying on the job due to smells. I’m sure there is something I can do but it always seems to require being something other than my nature. Just trying to get my brain to think about what I could do ends up with staring into space as no thoughts arise. My mind is wired to be hyperaware of what is, not to strategize a path forward.
But the red candle showed me that the first step to surviving is not forming relationships which don’t facilitate your survival. Cause why would you merge with someone not vested in you? How can it lead to anything good?
I’ve always been so afraid of being a gold digger that I sort of became the reverse. But really there is nothing wrong with a man investing in you materially. I invest in Slippers materially. I’m not going to be enjoying a delicious meal while she is hungry. That would be sick. To care about a loved one’s physical well being is the most basic form of love. If someone doesn’t love you in the most basic way WHY would you allow your mind & heart to center around them? It’s self abandonment.
It may be nobody’s responsibility to take care of me but it is not my responsibility to suck their dick either. It doesn’t really matter if someone claims to like or love you. Actions speak louder than words and if they can’t love me -at a bare minimum- like I love Slippers then being with them will dilute my raw power which I cannot afford.
I have to put myself first until I find somebody that puts me first.
Thank you red candle. I will add candles to the list of things that have always been my friends… colors, candles. End of list.
