My new bed which came as a box of 5,000 bars. I wasn’t going to bother even trying especially since my wrist is messed up so I can’t turn screws but three people from the shelter showed up like angels & put it together. Megatron* sent me green sheets. So many people have been helpful that sometimes I cry from guilt because I know I’ll never repay them.
That is Glenn on the right, my oldest friend, & Snuffles on the left. Meat** said it looks like a prison bed, which may be just what I need since prisoners are hard & wily.
I feel so afraid. I have to go to court in 10 days for J’s trial & I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or what will happen. It’s horrible. All I wish is that there was something I could do to make things good.
The shelter ladies gave me a choice between a green and a gray basket of home goods & I chose green. It feels like green is the color guiding me forward.
* Megatron is the being formed by women acting collectively. I can’t believe how many women have helped me. It’s humbling. I really don’t think the negative stereotypes about females are true. It seems to me they are angelic beings.
What is a double saint? Is it someone who performs twice as many good deeds as a regular saint?
No. The problem with regular saints is they push themselves too hard. To serve. To be good. They strive. And so pressure builds up inside. One day they blow and to prison they go. This is what we call the saint paradox.
The double saint seeks to avoid this paradox by striving less, but also being less at the same time. When you are nothing, you don’t annoy people as much. Then it takes fewer good deeds to repay them for tolerating your existence.
In this post I will assume you want to become a double saint to get along better with a man. If not, adjust accordingly.
Here is the path of the double-saint.
In all things think vapor. You are no longer a person. You are a vapor. Always ask yourself “What would a vapor do in this situation?”
Speak less or not at all. A vapor listens and absorbs.
If you do speak, make it short, light and pleasing. Even praise should not be heavy handed. Coming on strong- even in a positive sense- requires the other person to be aware of your presence, which is taxing to their mind. Just one dandelion puff of uplifting words will do the trick.
Never question, criticize, disagree or weigh in on any subject unless asked. Why would a vapor do this? If you are in a car with a man who is driving off a cliff, you go off the cliff too. Wordlessly. You are a vapor. You will be fine.
Do nice things for the man. However do not strain yourself doing nice things or you will reach the saint’s paradox. Do nice things you enjoy doing, so that you don’t need him to notice or appreciate them. Needing to be appreciated would be a tax. The double saint strives to be completely untaxing and always relaxing.
Remove standards & expectations. A double saint must not only avoid putting pressure on the man, she must remain unpressurized herself. Do not hold him to any standards and if this makes it difficult to uphold standards yourself then let them blow away.
Do not become saintly by performing a mega house cleaning. Become double saintly by not caring. Once again this prevents the build up of emotional pressure that will eventually cause you to express yourself.
7. Be pleased by pleasing yourself. If men see you are pleased, they will take credit for it and be happy. If you tell them how to please you they will feel bossed. So learn how to please yourself in all ways while crediting your happiness to him.
8. Release objective reality. The double saint must never expect another person’s words to align with objective reality. Do not feel tangled up when words are false, nonsensical, self-contradictory etc. Just hear words as clouds of modern poetry beholden to neither rhyme nor reason. What is a word, but a tiny bird that a cloud once thought they might have heard? In this way you float gently through skies of lies without being tangled in a single knot.
Are you getting the idea? The saint strives, feels like the man isn’t holding up his side of the bargain & gets frustrated. She expresses this & ends up in the hospital. The double saint doesn’t care what the man does. She is able to not care by remaining in a non-pressurized state. She is able to be non-pressurized by removing expectations & activities that pressurize her.
Is a double-saint the same as a slacker? Not at all. To remain a vapor requires great discipline. She twas loose as a goose when they slipped on the noose. She received all abuse while remaining diffuse. Tho she lacks the vigor of the regular saint & is unlikely to slay dragons, her strength lies in equanimity. She knows her soul is immortal and therefore no problem will be the end of her.
And what does the double saint do when treated unjustly? What if she is yelled at, blamed or punished for a crime she didn’t commit? How can she avoid that natural emotion of anger or the desire to stand up for herself which she must avoid at all cost? What if she is stolen from, betrayed, raped and beaten, how does she retain her vaporous personality even then?
This is a tough one and I don’t know the answer. Just recognize that no one can be perfectly saintly, much less double-saintly. Try stress gummies, vallium and- in cases of verbal attack- attempt to discreetly cover your ears. If this is impossible, write down the words and turn them into a rhyme.
Why are you so dumb, you stupid cunt? When in yonder field the falcons doth hunt?
I really do love the “The Public” which in astrology is represented by the moon. The Public is a romantic, silvery ooze of limitless possibility. Best of all- from this undifferentiated mass- beings of gold can sometimes appear.
I was really looking forward to writing a blog post today. I could see clearly in every direction. It was going to be a tell-all.
But- due to adding a hundred new facebook friends and writing a flurry of posts- I ended up with so many balls to my head that I could hardly think. Nor could I draw these balls because there were just too many of them. All I could do was to squint my eyes against the pressure and attempt to clean the house while waiting for it to pass. But sometimes balls make me so dizzy it is hard to do physical things. I end up just throwing a towel over my head and waiting for it to pass.
The thing is, I love interacting with people so much. If only there was a way to interact without head balls. It is especially challenging to interact with new people. Sometimes they have spiritual problems to which I’m not yet immune. Spiritual problems are those which warp your perspective on life and make you feel bad about it. Or bad about yourself. The more a person has spiritual problems the more angry they tend to be. They frequently try to push onto others the ideas that are causing them pain. So their balls tend to cause greater disturbance.
Some balls can be refreshing though. They contain wavelengths that can heal your problems without a word being said. They can counteract the noxious influence of bad balls. Once you know someone, and are familiar with their balls, whether they are good or bad doesn’t matter so much. You can get hit with their bad feelings out of the blue, but then easily dismiss them because you know what they are.
Why do these balls hit me on the top of my head though? When my husband interacts with people, I have noticed their energy tends to get lodged in his intestinal area, causing him stomach pain.
Probably because I walk around with a head like an empty bucket, waiting for someone else to tell me what life is about and make sense of it all for me. I know this is wrong, but it is a hard habit to break. Once upon a time- 7 years ago to be exact- I thought everyone was honest and also a sage. I let their ideas go straight to the center of my brain.
Now I realize people are liars & dumb, too. Well, maybe not liars exactly, but plants reaching for the sun. We say whatever it takes to get that sweet sunshine on our face. And maybe not dumb exactly- I still think it takes an insane amount of intelligence to navigate daily life- but let’s get real- we are sheeple. We share the beliefs of those around us so we can belong to a fuzzy wuzzy herd. It feels so good to feel their soft cotton balls rubbing against our cloud of wool.
And really that is the same reason why I open my head like a vessel to receive the thoughts of others. At first it feels so good when they put their thoughts inside. It makes me feel connected, but I’m sure it is the wrong way of going about things.
Silver rain upon my hand so soft, falling
Silver sky coagulate and cough, falling down
Didn’t you say it would be easier to tell the truth, you were wrong
Didn’t you say there would be somewhere in your world where I could belong
Clouds cry, something’s wrong
You knew I was not strong
I only wanted someone to care, is that wrong?
Silver words dissolve upon my tongue, tasteless
Silver links of love that stretch so long, baseless why?
Didn’t you say you would be one man in the whole wide world who never lies?
Didn’t you say you would be just one man to never cover up his eyes?
You cry, something’s wrong
You knew I was not strong
I only wanted someone to care, is that wrong?
Soft things follow me
Dark words I cannot see
Didn’t you say you would find me?
All the words left hanging in the air, silence
All the words you never need to share, violence, why?
Didn’t you say that in this big blue world, you were the man who never falls?
Didn’t you say that when the clouds fell low, you were the one who would never heed their calls?
I cry, something’s wrong
You knew I was not strong
I only wanted someone to care, is that wrong?
