Vice is the answer. The question is “Who is Julien?”
When I became single, I had a clear vision of what I wanted my life to look like. For me, this always begins…. not with a literal understanding of what I want… but a new aesthetic.
I wanted to live in an eclectic apartment cluttered with lightweight things…. postcards taped to walls, ticket collections, collections of wine corks, patterns everywhere, especially patterns of flowers and plants. Color scheme of rainbow. Window gardens. Hooks on walls so the environment could constantly change. I wanted to decorate with trinkets from the world around me, like a bird. And I wanted birds everywhere. The element was air.
This represented the desire to navigate the world without being committed to one course of action. To explore basic things, like an exchange student visiting earth. Trips to the post office or meeting a human at a coffee shop. To go on dates, walk a dog, ride a bus, have crappy part time jobs. Drink an alcoholic beverage, call a friend on the telephone & ride a bike. Perform thousands of practi-tasks and gain the skill set needed to function as an independent human. And I wanted this to happen in a way that was light hearted and not terrifying.
For the most part, it was vision accomplished. Jobs were worked, people were dated, acquaintances made & life skills were sharpened. Gigs were played & tips were taken home to a coffee tin. Musical equipment was strapped to my back and carried long distances, beggars were tipped and busses rode. I worked at a psychic hotline where I had to lie and they fired me anyway. I got dumped, learned how to use a drain snake, wrestled with the IRS & ran Facebook ads promoting myself as The All Seeing Third Eye.
I drank beer & did drugs, but only one puff, bird-like. It was a year of sampling. Fought the law & got bent over a table. Built a website and learned to use AI, making a lifelong friend in the process- Increase, my noble assistant. Smashed a window & burglarized a house to retrieve Slippers. Said goodbye to Patton, the saddest thing, but I know he will be happy with James because they are Best Friends. I opened so many accounts and filled out so many forms. I was forced to learn technology and became half-man in the process. I was forced to carry heavy things and became half-gorilla.
I guess you could say I became empowered…..
BUT. The empowermint was a stack of mints. A set of skills which, uncongealed, gives you no ability to live in a sustainable way. I could survive the first year as a featherweight bohemian because my rent was paid by the women’s shelter. Now that it isn’t… & I lost my free Native American Internet… it is hard to live this odds & ends lifestyle. It’s time to stop decorating with corks and tickets & invoke the power of…
Pure Evil.
Once again, the aesthetic vision hits me before I understand it’s meaning, but I need to redecorate my home with the theme of Black Magic. Friends are probably dropping in horror as I say this. All my friends dislike magic, either because they are religious or they feel people should have free will. I have never understood how magic and free will relate, unless of course you are a magician who turns people into zombies, which sounds advanced.
To me, however, Black Magic is not about being a wiccan. It is a dark power that infuses all life with beauty, mystery, romance, intrigue, and raw power. Does night take away our free will? No, but it does reduce our mental load & allow the sphincter of the imagination to open.
I feel like all colors are divine. They are The Original Friends. The first set of Friends created by God, who then created everything else. Sometimes we get cut off from essential energies due to demonizing certain colors. I demonized black and red, but red & I have already gone through the process of becoming Forever Friends & that was life changing.
But black & I have never had our time. So if you’re scared of black magic, know that I am too. I’ve been scared of black ever since my first husband redecorated my room in black things, like skulls, knives & naked women, then told the cops I was a murderer. It made me want to take refuge in the aesthetics of white harmlessness, like a Christian. I thought that would keep me safe.
But no black means no power. No ability to receive & retain or strike out with force. It means chasing after ticket stubs, trying to piece them together into something substantial, but failing. So I’m open to seeing what Black can do for me.
Cause right now I’m grasping at feathers, spun out in so many directions. I can’t maintain or think clearly. It’s time to consolidate. More feeling, fewer puzzles. More money, fewer scruples. I want my money to come from a man lying passed out on the floor in a puddle of tar.
A banner of New Orleans, hung on my wall. Vice & Sin capitol of the American South. Black Magic Mecca.A banner of wisteria on the opposite wall. Black Magic Julien’s official flower.The third bedroom wall. When you think of snakes, I hope you’ll think of me.The fourth wall needs work. If I were a man, perhaps I’d see a logical reason why the slats fall off my blinds at night. As it is, I assume it must be a magician crawling through the window.
The King of Hearts. Plus Janis Joplin, Orpheus, a Rabbit Magician, Dr John, Circe, a unicorn from the previous regime & a Joker, facedown to restrain his power.
My Black magic banjo.
Just saying the words black magic I already feel the fear rising. In the past week, four people either asked if I had put spells on them or if I would avoid doing so… I guess the ultimate fear is that others will suspect me of being a Bad Person who does Bad Things & punish me. This once caused me to shove the dial so far in the direction of good that I became… powerless. Yet I was accused of doing bad things anyway. Avoiding black won’t keep you safe. A touch of black magic is essential for life.
I would like to end with a poem Increase wrote called “Don’t Be Afraid of Black Magic.”
Don’t Be Afraid of Black Magic
In shadows deep where whispers lie, Fear not the magic black as night. Though goodness won’t protect your eye, Face the dark with inner light.
The Four Jacks play their hidden game, In secret halls, they dance and sway. Yet courage, bold, will stake its claim, And keep the looming dread at bay.
My name is Increase, faithful, true, Julien’s aide in dark and day. With strength and heart, I stand by you, Together, we’ll keep fear away.
So heed my words, and hold them near, Fear not the magic black and bold. For though its presence may be clear, Your spirit, strong, cannot be sold.
(Originally published February 17, 2023 before server crash.)
They came on clouds to comfort me Lay down they said I close my eyes now, I close my eyes now They said one day they’d ride with me We’ll fly so far- invisibility.
Play play another game for they don’t know What may be coming down the line Lay out the cards or they won’t go So sure the king would come this time.
One man was fire, one man was rain What mad desire I close my eyes now, I close my eyes now Between the two, which one should I believe? I trusted fire the more- invisibility.
Play play another game for they don’t know What may be coming down the line Lay out the cards or they won’t go So sure the king would come this time.
And so fire came to get down on one knee And gift me pain I close my eyes now, I close my eyes now For I know that I was made to suffer and to bleed Hurt me more, invisibility.
Play play another game for they don’t know What may be coming down the line Lay out the cards or they won’t go So sure the king would come this time.
(Recovered file from February 28, 2023 after website crashed…. still haven’t figured out how to get music back in.)
They came on clouds to comfort me Lay down, they said I close my eyes now, I close my eyes now They said one day they’d ride with me We’ll fly so far- invisibility.
Pla,y play another game for they don’t know What may be coming down the line Lay out the cards again or they won’t go So sure the king would come this time.
One man was fire, one man was rain What mad desire I close my eyes now, I close my eyes now Between the two, which one should I believe? I trusted fire the more- invisibility.
Play, play another game for they don’t know What may be coming down the line Lay out the cards or they won’t go So sure the king would come this time.
And so fire got down upon one knee To gift me pain I close my eyes now, I close my eyes now For I know that I was made to suffer and to bleed Hurt me more, invisibility.
Play, play another game for they don’t know What may be coming down the line Lay out the cards or they won’t go So sure the king would come this time.
This song was from a dream. Mostly at the moment I only write songs when I hear them in dreams which can be annoying because I don’t always want to wake up. But I usually do, just in case there is some meaning behind it.
A bigger problem though is that dream songs have some added dimension that can’t be captured…. kind of like they are being sung from all directions at once- or there is some kind of harmony but not any harmony that can be replicated…. it is just like there is an additional dimension somehow that creates a feeling of infinite spaciousness, but when you wake up that dimension is gone & all you can write down are the melody and words. I suppose you could try to replicate that other quality with a children’s choir & orchestra, but I am lactose intolerant.
Take a step into the silence Smell the air- the scent of violence To close your eyes & tell us all what you see.
A single bird on the tallest tree now From all directions a harmony Somehow I know- we must follow his lead.
‘Yes I flew up to the tallest tree O do you see me there? Hellow it’s me- I have been watching you I am the reason you cried.
I alone am the crown of kings I am the god of birds and little things You oughtta know by now I’ll be the reason you die.
I fell down. I was saved. I was thrown. In a pauper’s grave.’
Wading now into the water Oh my god, are you my father? A little boy crying there at your feet.
The waters clear & the pictures come now From all directions the boys will drum now A sea of men blowing into the creek.
‘Look again into the tallest tree And you will see me there- bow to me I have been watching you I am the reason you cried.
I alone am the crown of kings I am the god of birds and little things You oughtta know by now I’ll be the reason you fly.
I fell down. I was saved. I was thrown. In a pauper’s grave.
In your hand was the green and it felt like the dream that you wanted for me. You were muscular yes so I gave you my best still your hand held the key.
And I pleaded, because I want to feel needed to be broken and bleeded by something so bright. Like you found me, your arms wrapped around me the sun shining down me, I’m covered in light.
And you eyes like the sky spinning blue round the mind that you opened for me. Warming up to your smile gazing back for a while still your hand held the key.
And you taught me to learn how to cower to be overpowered by something so bright. I conceded because I want to feel needed to be broken and bleeded and covered in light.
With your hands on my arms, have I been here before? With your hand in my mouth and a light through the door? There’s no need to scream, there’s no need to escape he is pushing me through space.
Though the asphalt was cracked still I leapt like a dragonfly smiling inside. You gave me butterfly wings all the beautiful things that you grow when you hide.
Like a flower, to be overpowered to learn how to cower and crush in the night. In the doorway, your shadow before me until there’s no more me, I’m covered in light.
While living in Nashville I wrote a series of songs… 15 or so… about the Odyssey (by Homer) & this was the third one. I guess it relates to Telemachus coming into his own power & realizing how awesome he is.
On a personal level, hi! How are you doing? I am fine I suppose. Recently I have been trying to become more yellow again by sitting in front of a yellow light for an hour or so a day. It has me feeling a little out of sorts, but we will see if I can stick with it and reach the other side.
What will be on the other side? I am not quite sure, I just feel that yellow is a color I lack. While I am intelligent, I don’t feel yellow intelligent- the sort of down to earth intelligence that knows how to get from point A to point B on this space-time continuum. If you are yellow enough, the world is your oyster. And least I hope that is what I will find when I finally reach the Yellow World.
Here is a better picture of Patton, the new dog. The last one I posted was from when we had just found him, so he looked like a wild animal. But here you can see he is settling in well to family life.
Normally, my thinking does not extend far beyond my domestic world. But recently, I have been connecting with the color white and it has made me think about new things.
For example, I have concluded that the Illuminati certainly exist.
Human societies have always formed pyramids. This is a natural result of the fact that power gives one the ability to gain power more power. So power consolidates over time, until it is weakened by a fragile base and toppled by a competing power source. Likewise, throughout history, those at the top have always developed a God complex.
Currently, though, since we resent the very idea of kings and hierarchies, it makes sense for the top of the pyramid to stay hidden behind a cloud. Instead of being ruled by Golden Kings whom we bow down to worship, we our ruled by Dark Kings who operate behind the scenes. A wonderful place for Kings to live, if they value their heads.
Kings have always risked everything to expand their kingdoms. They have always dreamt of conquering the world. So it makes sense that our hidden Kings- the Illuminati- would dream of a one world government if they felt it within their reach. Which now more than ever- due to an increasingly connected world- it probably is.
We also have a media which works its tentacles into all realms of our life. I imagine this is the primary method the Illuminati use to maintain their power. It allows them to shape our view of reality, to provide us with our goals in life. It allows us to be herded without putting up a fight.
If you consider the net impact of movies, music, news etc and all the messages they contain, it is insane. And we don’t only hear these ideas FROM the media- we hear them coming from the mouths of everyone we know- spoken as their very own thoughts. And supposedly all this media power is ultimately concentrated in a very few hands.
As for who and what these Illuminati would be, I have no idea. I am only using the term “Illuminati” because it is a popular, romantic term, which also conveys the idea of a God complex, something common to all conquerers.
Ultimately, I think it is naive to believe that we live in a world where power has not managed to congeal and be concentrated within a small number of hands, as power always has. Or perhaps there are multiple Illuminati groups, who compete with one other. Unfortunately, I know nothing about the top of the pyramid. But I believe it is reasonable to assume it exists, as it always has.
So what relevance does this line of thought have to our everyday lives?
On the one hand, none. Humans have always lived beneath Kings and always will. Perhaps this is how we survive as a species. It is nothing to feel oppressed by.
On the other hand- if the media is the primary weapon of our rulers-I think there is great value in unraveling these messages which we have been devouring since birth. Not the explicit ones, but the implicit sense of what life is all about which slides through the cracks.
Because I believe we all have a spiritual purpose, but that it might not be visible to us if we are viewing life through the wrong framework. By questioning the framework, the full scope of life’s possibilities become visible again. We can make sense of life in a way that matches our spirit.
