Hi. I really miss my website and blog because it always felt like my best friend, a secret journal I could confide in.
But the struggle to survive has been real and it has been hard to find time to write a best friend letters.
Also I have been in nonstop legal battles and was afraid that if I blogged the wrong thing I would be sent to jail since the judge is always threatening to do so. (Why? I don’t know. It is divorce court and people tell me you can’t be sent to jail unless you commit a crime. But the judge must dislike my personality or something because he always says he will send me to South Central. He says it in response to a facial expression I make or where he thinks my eyes are pointing and other things I don’t understand so I started to become a little paranoid.)
But it has become clear that the court process will never end and I can’t wait forever to return to my life…
Anyways, communicating through videos seems a bit rude and impersonal compareds to writing BUT I am having a transit (Uranus 6th house) in which must continue doing your same work through different technologies else you get blown up. Videos take less time & maybe they will seem cozy once I get used to them.
If anyone is reading this, I am so happy. It is the best feeling to feel there are secret friends surrounding you in the ethers who could pop into your life at any moment.
Fuck me. Normally I’m somewhat average in terms of efficiency. Under crisis in August I rose up to become a top 10 performer. Mid September my balloon began deflating and now my life consists of staring at a mug until I finally get up and walk into a wall. Technically I still get a bit done but am nowhere near recommended levels of crispness for my weight range.
Is this a normal response to someone’s mind being overloaded by things they don’t want to think about? An early sign of AIDS? Right now I need to be calling the prosecutor’s office, visiting the courthouse, wrapping packages and taking them to the post office, doing some secretary work for a famous herbalist, cleaning the house since the front door is made of glass, stopping my plants from dying, cooking dinner so the meat doesn’t go bad, playing with the dogs to keep them from sliding into depression, plus I really need to buy a coat and some pants since the temperature keeps dropping and I gotta get these things and more done by six when the sun goes down.
Cause then I have my night time stuff to do.
But rather than performing the tasks essential to survival (in the end we all die anyway, right?) maybe I’ll just sit here drinking coffee and tell you how my empowermints are going.
The most important thing is that I completed my illegal drug empowermint. This was sort of the jewel in my empowermint crown to the extent that I kinda of feel I’ve peaked and have nowhere to go but down. Maybe that’s why I’ve been tailspinning. My whole life I’ve wondered how people obtain illegal drugs when there is no clear road to obtaining them. You can’t buy them in a store, you can’t ask people if they sell them, so how is everyone is high? Well it turns out the answer is friends.
I’d decided that friends were the next realm of empowermint anyway. You can know how to dig ditches and start a campfire but without any friends you gotta hard hoe to row. And I literally knew no one of flesh and blood. Now I know a few.
And I really, really want to write about them. But I don’t know if that’s rude. I’ve always avoided being friends with writers for this exact reason. Just like I’ve avoided being friends with musicians because they have no morals. And tall people because their heads are too far away from earth. And dark haired people because they are wusses. Thin people are harsh and intolerant. Fat people just chuckle when you want to talk about something serious. People with large heads are obsessed with conspiracies. Small heads look weird. Long necks lack commitment. Short neck means tiny brain. Men can be dangerous or break your heart. Women might assume you’re a lesbian and you end up having to eat their pussy just to be polite. There’s a reason to avoid everyone.
I almost feel I’ve gotten too many ideas about life stuck in my head and now I need to clear a few out. Men who eat pasta are gay. Men who avoid pasta are gayer. Drugs are bad because they’re illegal. Hot dogs are bad cause I once found a short thick hair in one. Bars are bad because ghosts live in them and they can get stuck in your hair then follow you home. Honey mustard dressing is bad cause if you eat it you’ll attract men who like to be done up the ass. Red attracts violence. Purple insanity. Black death. White can make you so spiritual that you attract dark sluts who give you aids. Orange can make you attract fun loving sluts who also give you aids. Gold will turn you into a man. Silver softens your brain. The world is full of things to be avoided.
More than ever I feel like a black checker all alone on a checker board. My player has decided he’ll use me to make his next move. He doesn’t have many checkers left. But whichever direction he moves me in I’m gonna get jumped. Maybe this is why I keep walking into walls.
My practilife is going ok. An ongoing issue is transportation. I walk in the day (busses cost money without saving much time) but at night don’t know how to calculate the odds of danger. One friend sent me a taser which allows you to electrocute people if they get too close. Another said a crossbody bag keeps you safe from muggers so I bought one. I’ve never needed a purse before since I had no keys, phone or wallet. Now I mumble keys phone wallet… keys phone wallet….to myself one hundred times a day. You keep these three on you at all times.
I tried to select a crossbody bag that says Professional Crisp. The one that arrived looks more like Back to Preschool. This is a problem because people keep asking if I’m autistic. Pretty sure this is code for retarded. So Not Retarded is the main message I want my clothes to send.
I know it is bad to use the word retarded. And cool- almost trendy at the moment- to be autistic. Just one more reason I don’t want to be seen that way. Not to mention that it *won’t* be cool anymore once the wheel of the gods turn a bit further. I’m trying to prepare for the future by building a competent Can Do persona. You should too.
But back to the purse- not only does its shape seem dimwitted, its color is too noticeable. I thought it was light colored when I bought it. My goal for now is to blend in. There are too many holes in my skill set to completely avoid a retarded feeling. But I can avoid becoming a Famous Retarded Person. I don’t want people pointing me out as they drive by in their cars.
Maybe I shouldn’t care though because the other weak spot in my practivitization is that I don’t know anyone where I live. I have learned though that long distance friendships are very real. Not only did facebook friends send me enough money to make it through the initial crisis, they also patiently explained how everything in the practiworld works & even called 911 for me when I couldn’t figure out how to do it.
I couldn’t breath & thought I was going to lose consciousness. But when the cops and ambulance arrived a few minutes later then I could breath and felt so bad for wasting their time even though they were really kind. They asked me if I wanted to get into the ambulance just in case. But being laid out horizontally & placed in the back of a mini van is actually one of my worst nightmares. I associate it with being retarded.
So anyway, I am not sure how to meat people where I live. Friends have suggested open mics. But can me and musicians be friends? I feel like we’re oil & water. It’s a bro culture. You aren’t supposed to care about things smelling bad and being covered in goo. Worse than a bro culture, though, cause it specifically revolves around young, lazy men with no moral compass. Still, I’m trying to be open minded. I might have bad ideas about musicians that it’s time to release.. I’ll try to meet some just in case we get along. Maybe I’d like doing drugs. My facebook friends are always high.
Or maybe astrology readings would be better. Then I’d be dealing mostly with women. And you really get to know people when you read for them. I like the feeling of becoming no one & focusing on someone else’s problems. People’s lives are so much messier than anyone lets on. Realizing this has made me more socially comfortable.
And if you’re wondering how I’m currently able to survive, it’s mostly through my new identity as Arabian Merchant. Selling on ebay. It’s a decent fit for me because shopping is my one true vice. And I’m finding most things in my bulging vault of possessions have gone up in value since I bought them. I’m able to make a profit while clearing space for future shopping. I’m like a fat person who finally got a tapeworm. Now mama eats what she wants.
Don’t go insane; don’t pull your hair Don’t you play the fool you poor poor girl now. The sky is dark; the stars are dots They are hiding in a black black swirl now.
You always knew that people smile They extend their hand but don’t take it no no. Because this life is never what it appears to be When you’re crawling so low.
Don’t let his hand reach for your heart- Have you asked yourself why he needs a friend? Because he likes to hurt them.
Some people lie; they like to smile And they’ll say the sweetest things that you crave You’re lying down; you’re getting soft You’re refusing to see things in a new way
From every side he’s moving in and you’re Lying there but where can you go now? You close your eyes imagining a new place Where life could be different somehow.
Don’t let his hand inside your chest- Have you asked yourself why he needs a friend? Because he likes to hurt them.
You’ll stand alone; you’ll find a way You won’t need nobody, no one, no no. The sky is dark; the moon is grey In that kind of way nothing’s certain oh no.
Crawl to the door, then stop & freeze- Have you asked yourself why he needs a friend? Because he likes to hurt them.
(Please note, this post is about the sign Aquarius, which is always operative- to a greater or lesser degree- in all events & humans. We are ALL aquarian to some extent & are currently living in a very aquarian time- a trend that will continue in years to come. Therefore, it seems valuable for everyone to acquaint themselves with this energy whether you consider yourself “an Aquarius” or not.)*
Have you ever left family, relationships or hometown behind in order to become the person you were meant to be? If so, you have experienced the pull of Aquarius.
Aquarius is a sign of relationship, but it is our relationship to humanity as a whole- the faceless crowds, the people who have yet to be born, the aquaintances who come and go freely from our life without leaving broken hearts behind. It is the sign of all relationships which are unbinding, which leave us free to come and go, which do not restrict our individuality. It is the sign of relationships born from an abstract love of humanity, with no desire to possess the other person. Governed by benevolence but also an absence of passion.
Our intimate and familial relationships always restrict- to some extent- our ability to be free. We care about these people and try to become what they need. We merge and our identities blend. Aspects of self get rubbed down and reshaped from the friction.
Aquarius seeks relationships which will not restrict but enable an uncompromised expression of self. Online, for example, people seek out groups who share their opinions or passions, allowing them to fully express aspects of themselves in a way they cannot do around grandma. And when these virtual connections begin to chafe, they are discarded with the click of a button & replaced.
Aquarius can also mean an abstract love for humanity itself. Or even a love for abstractions, such as God, math, virtue, or the planets. These are the sort of loves that will not keep you warm at night, but will never desert you either. They give people the strength to continue when other sources of meaning have failed them.
Being the wide open field of humanity, Aquarius also brings opportunity. It is well known that developing a wide social network is one of the best ways to advance yourself in any career. Your mother may not know anyone looking to hire a clown, but *somebody* does. And by developing acquaintances in a detached, non-emotional way, it becomes quite easy for you to know the person who knows the person who wants to hire a clown and thus fulfill your childhood dream of becoming a pedophile.
Aquarius can also relate to acquiring large amounts of money with ease. Imagine someone successfully selling their product to the masses, money pouring in from all directions. Now imagine someone selling lemonade to his friends and neighbors. Not only is the second man’s audience limited, but every sale becomes a drama of sorts. People who buy his lemonade now feel he owes them one as though they were doing him a favor. Perhaps they WERE just buying it as a favor and pretty soon annoyance and resentment start to flow all around.
When a person sells to strangers on the other hand, emotional entanglements rarely enter the picture & the business is free to soar.
The downside to the lofty, detached energy of Aquarius is that it can be demotivating for some, especially females who- like cold blooded animals- tend to need the warmth of human connection to thrive. This cold, high minded energy can be the kiss of death in intimate relationships. Hence the reason that in charts it frequently forebodes divorce or perhaps a person who never gets married at all. Successful aquarian romantic relationships do exist, but they requires both individuals to prefer devotion to God over romance, to be swingers, live on separate continents, or have some other factor in place to prevent their identities from becoming overly merged & keep emotional complications to a minimum.
Sometimes Aquarius is a means to an end and not the final destination. A person breaks out of a restrictive situation & expands into the blue in order to find the place where they belong, so that they may put down roots which will last. Dating sites, for example, are Aquarian in that you can coldly sift through the humans on display, tapping or dismissing them as you wish, but the ultimate goal is to find a place where a fire can begin and the Aquarian expanse left behind.
Aquarius is a mental energy and linked to advances in science and technology, fields commonly fueled by an abstract idealism- a desire to solve the problems of humanity and make the world a better place.
Aquarian love- a heady mix of idealism & possibility- can lead to feelings of exhilaration. Still it is a cold, impersonal love, which will not set your loins on fire nor cause your heart to burst into flame. Consider, though, that heat is movement. Heat requires energy and therefore an energy source to feed upon. With romantic love, people may not even know what food their passion is feasting upon & therefore feel lost & bewildered when passion dies and love grows cold. But Aquarian love, being forever cold, needing neither food nor warmth to maintain it, lasts forever.
This is why Aquarius is known as a “fixed” sign. While it is popular nowadays to view reality as an ever changing flux, in astrology there are signs whose job it is to always change & other signs- like Aquarius- whose job it is to stay the same (hence ‘fixed.)
When we develop a love for humanity, a love for God, or even a love for virtue- these are Aquarian loves that will never abandon us or let us down. Even if we consider ourselves a warm, fiery person, it is important to have at least a slice of this cold, eternal love in our love portfolio. It can carry us through those times when when warm love- subject to destruction by the constant sway of emotions- is no where to be found.
Perhaps this is why the ancients considered Aquarius to be under the rulership of Saturn- bringer of fortitude and king of all things which time cannot decay. When we have a friend in Aquarius, we have a friend forever.
* When someone says “I am an Aquarius” they mean they were born with the sun in Aquarius. Whether or not they relate to this energy, however, depends on many factors, including the placement of the other 9 planets in their chart. At any rate, I can not stress enough that this post is about Aquarius itself- an energy which we all contain & contend with- not a particular group of people.
Under stress, when the world is not the way we would like it to be, we tend to go down one of two mistaken paths. Either we attack the world and try to force it to change without offering anything worthwhile ourselves or we withdraw and only focus only on caring for ourselves and immediate family. Neither response is appropriate, because we rely on the social fabric for our survival. To cocreate our shared world is part of who we are as humans.
And Biden’s presidency- while not welcomed by me- could have the silver lining of forcing us to stop looking for a Big Daddy to save us and instead build up the collective strengths which are our only true protection against enslavement.
So here are some ideas for how we can truly make America great again. It comes down to having populations which are strong, productive, & free-thinking while still being woven into a tight fabric. It is not enough to connect to society in a passive way. We must take an active role in building our world.
Become a connector. In a sense, this is the core thread running through all the ideas. As an adult, it does not suffice* to simply be responsible for yourself & your own. We all depend on the fabric of society & must all do our share of weaving to keep this fabric strong.
Here are a few cutesy ideas for being more connective….
a) Talk to strangers. Practice making random small talk with people you encounter in stores and on the street. When you do this, it will start to seem normal to others & they will begin doing it as well. Soon enough, we will be living in a much warmer & well connected world.
b) Connect more deeply on social media. If you use social media, try to use it in a more proactive way. Reach out to those you like in a more meaningful way & become friends.
c) Eat together. Cook for people or meet for dinner at restaurants. Invite random people on the off chance you might like them. Shyness is for children. Adults have a moral obligation to be brave & step beyond themselves.
d) Why not use the mail service to add another dimension to your social life? Write letters or send out holiday cards to friends, family & even people you met online. If you’re rich, send gifts! This would have a huge impact on people & inspire them to impact others.
e) Form clubs. Either online or in person, form groups based on any criteria whatsoever. Shared interests, shared gender… whatever appeals to you! We are the weavers of this world & should be creative in giving birth to it.
The key is to be the active agent in making relationships happen. Don’t fear being rejected. Life has already accepted you or you wouldn’t be alive. And if another person rejects what life has accepted then they are a fool.
Become a producer and sell your goods.
If you are so inclined, consider producing something that is commonly used by humans and selling it at a reasonable price. Not necessarily to make a living, but just as a side source of cash combined with hobby.
Possibilities include eggs, milk, honey, corn, fruits & vegetables, meat, dishwasher safe tableware, tables & chairs, clothes, table cloths, tea towels, quilts, soap & beauty supplies. Anything which humans need and use on a regular basis.
It is easy to imagine how much more vital our communities would feel if more of us produced these basic items & we were able to buy them from each other rather than Walmart.
Create Media. The problems of a centralized media have become obvious. One solution is to begin engaging more in the creation of media ourselves. Become an independent investigative journalist. A video journalist. Start a blog. A local news site. Or even go retro and make a zine or print newsletter covering any topic which interest you.
Once again, remember you do not have to make a living at this. If humans only engaged in activities which paid the bills, we may never have discovered electricity. One way or another we must create a grassroots citizen media.
Become a tech freedom fighter. If you are a tech person, build things which enable people to connect while being free from centralized control, such as social media platforms dedicated to free speech, cryptocurrencies, etc.
Get a gun, learn to shoot. Personally I find this one scary. But should communities place their self defense solely in the hands of centrally controlled organizations? Perhaps being able to defend yourself and also band together with your neighbors in defense is part of what keeps communities strong.
Get involved with government. Especially at the local or state level. Local & state governments really need more power relative to the national government in order for people to feel that their voices can be heard.
Create a charity.** It doesn’t need to be official. But perhaps you have noticed a little problem in the world around you. Some squirrels that seem hungry, some elderly people that seem alone. Some houses that have fallen into disrepair. We can choose to donate a bit of our time and energy to making our world a better place, no official bureaucracy required.
So if you do see a way to be helpful, or you have some skill or resource that could benefit others, why not make a little personal hobby of improving your corner of the world in a small but concerted way?
Be a shrink. This is a simple way for citizens to reclaim power. We all need someone to talk to. No one has 200 dollars to pay someone to stare at them for an hour. And why should we have to? Humans love listening to other people’s problems as much as we love having sex- it makes us feel less alone. So offer up your services as an available shrink- a listening ear- to those around you and also let them listen to you.
Create culture. Break the spell of Hollywood. Humans have been creating our own culture since time began. You don’t need to go to a Justin Bieber concert filled with laser beams. You could listen to your neighbor sing. Once you readjust your settings, you might find you like it better. A play written by your aunt, a picture painted by your friends. These are the real deal. Reject the idea that arts & culture must be a part of some giant centralized machine in order to have value.
Goodbye groupthink. The more we connect, the more we tend to conform. If we are selling eggs, we might just go along with whatever ideas people throw out so they will buy our eggs. But reject this. Have the courage to connect with people while remaining true to your own mind. Speak the truth as you understand it even when socially inconvenient.
Likewise, if you use social media do not cower in the shadows of the group mind. Be brave, freethinking, independent & bold. Stand up to bullies. A society made up of clones is not really a society anymore. It is simply the borg- a singular entity. It is our job to be brave enough to stop this from happening. Be an individual so the idea of a collective truly means something.
* Obviously I realize some people are barely supporting their own & might have little energy left for weaving social fabric! Perhaps most people are stretched to capacity and the only change they could make would be a teensy one. But that is the beauty of the collective. It is so vast and so interconnected that the tiniest change by a single person can ripple out forever.
Let’s say, for example, that you set aside one evening a month to reach out to someone in need and be a listening ear, a source of support. You might be the first person to ever extend yourself to him/her in this way. Doing so could subtly- or radically- transform their sense of life and what is possible.
Now their increased sense of hope changes the way they interact with everyone around them. Which then changes how these people interact. There is no of knowing how far the impact of one caring gesture can go. It could easily touch the whole world.
** I have wanted to do charitable acts myself, but you quickly run into the problem of mooches. There are people everywhere who position themselves to be as needy as possible just so others will reach out to help them. They are frequently predatory people who drag others down in all areas of life. So you don’t really want to feed the bears.
One possibility then, is to not just support those who are needy, but those who are valuable and doing good things. These people may need help & support as well, though they probably won’t ask for it. At the very least, if you give to a giver, any surplus they receive from you is likely to be recirculated back into the wider world in a positive way.
I have been wearing yellow tinted glasses today, which makes it a bit easier to find words to express myself.
This is one of many songs I have written about protective spirits, the sorts that follow a person around. In this case, they are spirits of the air. They help a person to avoid danger, but if the emotional connection to them grows too strong then a feeling of detachment from life can take hold. Because they are spirits of freedom & escape. Not spirits of building a nest within this world.
Although they do provide friendship to some extent, if a person is trying to resolve loneliness, fire spirits would be a better choice. Because they warm the heart & make it easier to connect to others.
Still, I love spirits of the air. They are always around us and never far away.
Step softly now.
See their hooded eyes.
Keep us close at hand-
You may need our quick advice
But everybody’s watching you- they got a lot to say.
Just keep their words within a jar- we’ll open it one day.
After all, life was never meant to be your home.
Life was never nothing but the road you chose to take.
Step softly now.
Feel the hidden hand.
Through the bushes it extends to you
The outline of a man
Then he says hide! duck! back up against the van where he can’t see you!
Crawl over to the shadows where we’re waiting, for we may be the only ones who need you.
After all, life was never meant to be your home.
Life was never nothing but the road you chose to take.
And how do you feel now, standing on your own?
Like a column made of fire?
A feeling that you could be quite alone.
Move quickly now- don’t believe you have a friend
They just like to watch you trip and fall- they’ll push you down again.
So quickly crawl back into the alleyway where he won’t see you
Back up against the tree and we will be there- perhaps we are the only ones who need you.
After all, life was never meant to be your home.
Life was never nothing but the road you chose to take.
I have to include a random picture here for practical purposes. (Otherwise, Facebook attaches a photo I hate to my posts when I try to share them.) This is me at Blenko- a place where they make glass in West Virginia. It is one of my favorite things about the state.
‘Oh! I wish you were dead. Then I could get some sleep, just please put a bullet in your head. Oh! You better not speak again.’ Slide to the floor, let it hold me once more, my thick and heavy friend.
Here come the Lights! Here come the Lights! I’ll follow them now, though they’re guiding me down Because they’ve come to set things right. Here come the Lights!
Oh! It’s like a parade- Everyone dancing around in the sun while I’m searching for the shade Or someone who can help me understand the things I’ve seen; But the dark world engulfs me, he’ll never let go because I am his queen.
Here come the Lights! Here come the Lights! I’ll follow them now, though they’re guiding me down Because they’ve come to set things right. Here come the Lights!
Oh! So this is the night? And these are the friends who slide under the door in the guise of liquid light? Oh! This is the Column of Heat! You have arrived, now I will shut my eyes because I know it’s safe to sleep.
Here come the Lights! Here come the Lights! I’ll follow them now, though they’re guiding me down Because they’ve come to set things right. Here come the Lights!
So many times already that I thought my heart would die Nobody here to hold me & I’m gazing on the sky So far from home. So far away. I wanted something I could own. I wanted something that would stay.
You stretched yourself around me like a field that never ends People smiled & laughed but I knew they were not my friends Just like an ache. God help me to smile. Or go ahead and break me & just make me cry.
You bring the green. You bring the green. You bring the green.
A river flows around you & it carries things away A sun that circles round you but it won’t just end the day Reaching out your hand to touch some stupid things. Nothing to hold you so you grow some stupid wings.
You bring the green. You bring the green. You bring the green.
A little creek contains a little girl Glass falls like snow on another little world
You bring the green. You bring the green. You bring the green.
