Tag: domestic abuse

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Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story On My Own Writings

Healing

I’ve been too scared to blog for a while because I’ve entered a new phase of my journey- healing.

Healing- after survival & stabilization- is the second phase in recovering from prolonged trauma- such as war or domestic battery.

I fear anyone reading this will be throwing up in their mouths right now because…

A) The very concept of healing sounds self-indulgent, almost narcissistic. What do you need to heal from you stupid bitch? It’s life, get over it.

B) I just compared domestic battery to war. I fear people will resent that because domestic violence has become something of a joke. My personal opinion (trigger alert) is that it became a joke when there was a push to redefine it as genderless crime & people like Johnny Depp bravely declared themselves battered men because they got slapped in the face after trashing their girlfriend’s bedroom. The word became “Violence is bad and any form of angry physical contact is violence.” I’ve heard people say that throwing a q-tip & holding a gun to someone’s head are equally bad cause “It’s all violence.”

But to me it isn’t. Violence is something which causes or threatens to cause grave bodily harm or death. Domestic violence means living in a state of terror, confusion & subjugation. Living in an environment where you are afraid someone will hurt or kill you and you don’t know how to leave. But rather than fight, you try harder and harder to please. Your mind separates into two pieces. One piece knows you must get away. This one starts out as a tiny dot which grows imperceptibly each time the violations are severe. The other piece is a wife trying more and more desperately to please her husband. This piece is unaware she is afraid of him, she is just so desperate to please.

Once you leave- IF you manage to leave- and IF you find a reasonably healthy way to survive- you have two tasks:

  1. You must somehow leave the state of constant terror/anxiety/desperation/chaos because in this state you cannot think clearly or make good decisions. But it is hard to do when this has become your normal setting.
  2. You have to unfuck your mind. Change how you think & make sense of life. Because if you don’t, someone will refuck you.

Perhaps if a previously healthy person was in a bad relationship for a few years it might be somewhat straightforward to return to the person they were before. But I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t terrified and trying to please, where my mind wasn’t divided into separate streams of memory- one stream containing all the good, the other containing the bad, and both streams unaware of each other.

I don’t understand why I always end up in these situations. I am sure it is something I’m doing… but what?

This is why I’ve taking some time to heal and enter a victim phase. I like the word victim because it is taboo. Everyone is so worried you will see yourself as a victim and take on a victim identity. Maybe I will use my victim card to get free cookies and shoulder massages from hard working people. People are concerned you that you will love being a victim so much you will make it your permanent identity.

But the thing is…. Those who continually wind up victimized DON’T see themselves as victims. That is part of the problem. Someone can drag them out of bed by their feet drop them on their head, kick them then spit in their ear and they feel this is a normal interaction between consenting adults. The inability to acknowledge when they are being victimized allows the cycle to continue. 

These people are terrified to see someone else as bad. Because they have learned that this is dangerous. Even if you were to secretly acknowledge to yourself that someone else’s behavior is wrong, it could be dangerous. Because you would instinctively start to rebel. To stand up for yourself. Then things get worse. The way to be safe is to not see what is happening. Eventually you are so upside down its hard to know what is normal anymore because you just don’t have any reference points.

Good boundaries don’t magically stop a person from being victimized. I’m sure there were plenty of holocaust victims with great boundaries- at least before the horror began. But the violence & lack of power begin to break your boundaries down. You start to learn that self-assertion doesn’t serve you. You try to be small, bland and compliant.

But once you re-emerge from an abusive situation, your concentration camp boundaries DO make you more vulnerable. Plus you are desensitized to being mistreated. Red flags don’t trigger you like they should.

In domestic situations, you learned to try and love the danger away. You may instinctively dole out care in exchange for pain. You know how to be tiny & flexible with low standards & no needs, attracting those who want to use you. You’ve lost confidence in your own perceptions. You are afraid to negatively judge anyone’s behavior because flattery and idealization make you feel safe.

So I’m trying to rewire myself. Because I want to be a useful and productive member of this world. I am trying to understand how I came to be wired up like a victim, but mostly what I can do to change it. 

I’ve learned a few wisdoms so far….To avoid those who insult, degrade or neg me. To avoid those who criticize or yell incessantly. To avoid those who talk nonstop about themselves and show no interest in me.

I’ve also realized I should stop consuming content that hurts and degrades women. Like podcasts where men vomit all over your sense of reality until you don’t feel good about life. And I must stop talking to myself harshly. A big part of healing seems to be learning to treat yourself how you want to be treated. This starts to normalize an uplifting vibe causing things which bring you low to register as repulsive.

I’ve also learned that I must use my rational mind more when making decisions. I can see that in the past I mostly made decisions driven by guilt, pity, fear, loneliness, pain, compulsion & hunger for love. Trying to move in the direction that would end the pain. Instead, you are supposed to turn on your brain and ask it, “What course of action is most likely to promote my long-term happiness?”

I think though that this healing process has made me more sensitive. I feel more hesitant to share things because being pelted with criticism and hatred doesn’t feel as palatable as it used to. I once prided myself on being immune to negative feedback. It felt like a massage. Now I just want to be in a safe place.

I’ve been making signs of all the wise things I learn to hang around my apartment.
I’ve also been doing art therapy, which I thought would be the dumbest thing ever, but I’m finding it transformative. These are my three animal totems- hummingbird, rabbit & whale who represent creativity, love & magic, not respectively.
I want my apartment to be filled with all things flower. I am looking for a vibrant, almost third world vibe filled with my own creativity. For a long time, I did not want to be surrounded by anything I had a hand in creating. I wanted things to be delicate & refined. But I’m trying to bring the colors back into my body.
Fur Therapy.
Categories
Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story On My Own Writings

Physical Violence

Physical Violence is the elephant in my mind. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel or think about it so I don’t. 

The first time James got violent I was asking him questions. Specifically questions about his pro-gun stance. While I mostly shared his views, some of his arguments didn’t make sense to me. He had just gotten news of a financial defeat so I should have stayed silent. But at the time I wasn’t good at shutting the fuck up. Eventually I learned, but it didn’t really help.

So he got upset and left the room. I followed him. I was extremely clingy. Later I learned not to be clingy but that didn’t help either. He told me to Go Away and I said No. He said if I didn’t leave he’d fucking crush me and I said go ahead.

Then he pushed me really hard like… I don’t think I understood how strong men are until that moment. I thought they were more or less like me. But it was supernatural. I don’t know what happened except that I ended up on some stairs with my arm cut open from wrist to elbow cause it got caught on the metal door latch.

I guess I was in shock & crying hysterically. James was like a god to me. At the time it seemed like hurting your wife was horrifically wrong. Now it doesn’t seem so wrong to me. But at first it was shocking and I was crying hysterically.

James told me I had to stop crying but I didn’t. He dragged me across the floor and sat on top of me with hands around my neck looking at me with this crazy look in his eyes. I thought he was going to kill me. I was screaming hoping the neighbors would hear me. I screamed for Slippers and she came. Then James got off of me. Later on though Slippers would just run and hide.

Afterwards was even more confusing. Writing about the incident now, I feel like I am a baby for even whining about it but at the time it felt earth shattering. Like I’d entered a new reality and the world as I knew it no longer existed. I thought James would be sorry but he wasn’t. He didn’t seem to think it was a big deal that my whole arm had turned yellow from bruising. If I tried to bring it up what had happened he would say “Well why did you say this? Why did you say that? What did you say 5 sentences before that? You don’t remember? If you can’t even remember then how can we talk about it? What angle were you standing at? What socks were you wearing 3 days earlier? These facts are important.” 

There was no remorse just an endless string of questions about details surrounding the day that I couldn’t remember and when I would get frustrated with those questions he said he needed those details to make sense of things. The problem wasn’t him pushing me, it was all these little things I’d said and done which made him push me.

And the following years were all about that. Don’t use this word, use that word. This phrasing is the problem. Stating things as a question is the problem. I would read more and more books about how mens’ minds worked and try to change my tone, my phrasing, my facial expression. None of it helped but I always felt I was on the cusp of knowing what he needed and being able to give it to him.

Later on, maybe 4 or so years later, cheating came into play too. Cheating is the vocalist. It grabs all your attention. Violence is more like bass and drums. It hits you in the reptile centers. That is why I don’t know how to process it or even if it merits processing.

The first time it happened I thought it was a really big deal. Over time it became more commonplace to where I feel like a petty little bitch for writing about it. I don’t know if it matters or not. Why would it matter? People hurt all the time.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia men Politics Uncategorized Writings

Heard Depp Trial

Ugh. This Depp/Heard trial is triggering me in too many ways. I don’t know where to begin.

1. It is scary that most people chanting “AMBER TURD!!!! AMBER TURD!!!!” know little to nothing about the facts of the case but are still eager to see Heard’s downfall.

People are acting like this is a pushback against #metoo when really it is the exact same thing. Someone makes a claim and ignorant monkeys go wild, chanting for blood. The fact that it is a man making a claim that a woman lied & abused him makes it no different. Same ole mob justice as before.

2. It is scary that Heard is on trial simply for writing a short op-ed stating that it is dangerous to oppose powerful men because they will make you pay. One in which Depp is not directly mentioned, nor abuse detailed.

In her words “Imagine a powerful man as a ship, like the Titanic. That ship is a huge enterprise. When it strikes an iceberg, there are a lot of people on board desperate to patch up holes — not because they believe in or even care about the ship, but because their own fates depend on the enterprise.”

So if Heard- who does in fact have a mountain of evidence to show Depp was violent- is not even allowed to make a passing mention of abuse and now owes Depp ten million for doing so- what does this mean for the rest of us? Are we allowed to speak about our lives or not?

This is a tricky subject because I realize people can lie and in most cases there is no way for bystanders to know the truth one way or another. But just as ‘believe all women’ does not seem like an appropriate solution ‘severely punish anyone who claims abuse’ doesn’t seem quite right either.

3. It is scary how people are using this to push the narrative “Women batter men all the time but the men are just too shy to come forward.”

In this corner of space time we currently inhabit, it would be very, very hard for almost any woman to batter her husband. I don’t know if people are ignorant as to physical differences between genders or simply feigning ignorance. Sometimes I wish men could be placed in cages with apes, left to fight them, and then tell me that strength does not matter when it comes to beating your spouse.

And it isn’t just strength, bone density, quicker reflexes etc- men are simply more aggressive & likely to commit violent crimes. Since this pattern holds true throughout all cultures and historical periods, we can safely assume it applies in the domestic realm as well. And I do not mean this in an insulting way, but simply assume it is a reflection of their role as warriors of the species.

What’s more, the idea that men are ‘too shy’ to come forward is ridiculous. Claiming to be the victim is the first move many abusive males make. I have read that most men claiming to be the victims of domestic violence are in fact the perpetrators themselves.


4. It is also annoying how people brush to the side that he was older, richer, more powerful, constantly on his own turf surrounded by employees, body guards & security staff. He was a king on his throne who could throw hissies as he wished. To accept that he was dominated by Heard- who was 22 when they met- seems close to believing that Clinton was sexually abused by that gold digging hussy Monica.

5. Heard is constantly being held to conflicting standards. When she videotapes Depp smashing things, that proves she is abusive. (Who would videotape their husband? She is obviously The Abuser!!) When she doesn’t, she is lying. (If this happened, why didn’t she record it? She is The Abuser!)

When she photographs bruises, she is guilty. (Who would do a photoshoot after being attacked? She is The Abuser!) When she doesn’t, she is guilty. (If he had hurt her, there would be photos! She is The Abuser!!!)

When she doesn’t cry her expressionless face proves she is the abuser. When she does cry her ‘fake’ tears prove she is the abuser. Literally whatever she does or doesn’t do becomes the evidence against her.

***


Men on social media keep asking why I care about this dumb trial. It is too petty to be worthy of serious consideration they say. But to me, it strikes at something core to the female experience. For men, dangers occur mostly in the public sphere where they can be seen, talked about and taken seriously. For women, dangers mostly occur behind closed doors, coming from people they love, whose reputations they are honor bound to protect. In a sense, females live much of their life in a veiled world which it is considered unseemly to discuss, for that would be “airing dirty laundry.”

And I don’t know what the solution is. People do need a private life and people to witness their dark side without exposing it to the world.

On the other hand, this arrangement frequently places women in danger which they are not allowed to talk about. They can’t seek support. (Unless they are willing to abandon their life & live like a refuge in a flea infested shelter.)

Not only are they deprived of the emotional comfort that comes from being able to share pain and stories, they are also unable to learn from each other’s experiences.

I’m always encouraging the females I know to write about their experiences with men and publish them. Anonymously if needed. The goal is not to take men down. But we desperately need more light to shine on how females experience life with men behind closed doors. I truly feel that more women sharing their stories could change the world. At least the world females inhabit. A world which may be too petty for men to even think about.




P.S. One more thing that bugs me about this trial is people freaking out about Heard admitting to slapping Depp. “She just admitted she was the abuser!” said a youtube lawyer. “Case closed!!!”

For starters- once again, in this physical reality a female hitting a male is pretty much a non-event. Females probably experience more pain than that during sex, unless the man’s dick is really small, yet we still manage to smile and enjoy ourselves.

Secondly, if displaying any bad behavior makes one “The Abuser” then we are all “The Abuser.” To me, domestic abuse refers to a pattern of using physical violence, threats, control of resources, etc to dominate your partner and place them in fear of you. It is crystal clear Heard did not hold this position relative to Depp.

And finally, I would like to say that I don’t really like words such as “The Abuser” and “Survivor.” Domination and abuse are somewhat woven into the fabric of life. Being on either side of this equation at a given point in time should not become one’s identity. “The Eater.” “The Eaten.” We are all of these things to some extent. I guess we have God to thank for that. I hope he knew what he was doing.







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Categories
Charleston, West Virginia men Politics Videos Writings

A Drop of Gizz

(Saturn is squaring my Mercury causing me to hate everything that comes out of my mouth. If I sound like I’m eating a robot, that’s why.)

I’ve been in that phase again where I write a million blog posts then delete them cause I can’t stop imagining all the reasons people will hate me for anything I say.

Personally I love to read people writing about their own experiences. Whether it is trudging across Antarctica or making their husband a sandwich, I don’t care. But when writing about myself, the voices in my head start calling me a self-absorbed, navel gazing narcissist. Sometimes real people do too.

So then I become an intellectual. A defensive posture. It makes men think you are smart and respect you more. Sometimes it feels like men are highly cue based when evaluating intelligence. A woman in spectacles discussing science is intelligent. A woman gluing cotton bears onto a wreath is not. But I can’t maintain being intellectual. It feels like walking on my hands.

And the Heard-Depp trial is ‘triggering’ me. But I’m afraid to say this. If you want your biscuits, this is the time to say you believe men can be abused just as easily as women. You are supposed to say it is just as bad for a woman to push a man- even if he doesn’t move- as it is for a man to push a woman- even if she falls into a bathtub and hits her head. They are equally bad. It’s violence either way!

You are supposed to say that domestic abuse is a genderless crime. And male victims are too shy to come forward. Depp is helping to change this.

But it’s hard for me to imagine a female using physical force to dominate a man. Even moreso in a case like this where Depp is surrounded by body guards. Not to mention endless money, friends, family, staff, homes, vehicles, planes, yachts, guns, knives etc.

It wouldn’t be impossible. But the only way I could see it happening is if Heard managed to establish a guru-like grip over Depp’s mind. But it is clear from the trial that she was not holding his brain in thrall. Drugs and his demons did that.

Perhaps many do not understand the difference between physical aggression and abuse. Lobbing a ball of socks at someone is not abuse. Punching a man, grabbing a woman’s arm & leaving a bruise, screaming, calling someone a bad name… you can only determine the significance of these events by looking at the larger pattern. If Monica slapped Clinton for gizzing on her dress would that make him a battered husband? Not from my perspective. If she stabbed him through the eye with a pen then we are entering new territory.

Because women can commit acts of violence towards men. They could marry an old man for money then slip poison in his food.

But domestic abuse, imo, is when a person uses intimidation, manipulation, violence & control of resources to establish dominance over their partner, making them unable or unwilling to leave despite bad treatment.

How many men exist who are physically afraid of their wives but too scared to leave? How commonly do women cut off men’s access to money, social contacts and transportation while dominating their bodies and threatening to kill them if they escape?

I’m wincing because the next statement will probably shower hate on me, but it seems possible that trace elements of domination are present in many if not most heterosexual relationships. It’s more than men being stronger, it is also how they are built for war and competition while women obsess over connection, frequently placing them in the role of trying to please.

We try to make things gooey and soft. We want to wear matching pajamas. We glue cotton bears onto a wreath. Men don’t do this. I don’t know why. I’m not judging them for this. I’m just trying to state the obvious in a culture which punishes us for doing so.

Muffin papers. I had planned to start making Business Woman Muffins each morning to sustain me through the day. For a Woman On the Go. That hasn’t happened.
My opponent’s sign encountered while door knocking. Politics is another factor making me feel suppressed. One wrong word could cost me votes.

Especially in a Republican primary. Some conservatives judge you for bad language, sexual language, violent language etc. As though God fast tracks all Scorpios to hell.
A red picture of me to showcase my political dominance and power. I admire red, but also feel it is everything I will never be. Which is why I like to stay near it. Kiss the hand that feeds you.
A picture of stones resting on cotton.

Would you like to watch a two minute video of a dog’s face accompanied by a song about a frog?



Slipper’s name is substituted for Mr. Froggy’s though cause she loves the sound of it. I also like to read her Bible verses where it’s God talking directly to Slippers. “I shall cover Slippers with my feathers, and under my wings Slippers will rest.”



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