Categories
Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story On My Own Writings

A Life for Julien

Everyone said leave James so you can have a life. What is a life? I thought I had one to begin with.

I don’t know what I think of my life so far. Right now I am delusional because I can’t sleep at night. I don’t know why. I don’t like shutting my eyes so I try sleeping with the lights on. I wake up a few hours later & want to see what is going on in the world.

Being single is fun. Because you can do what you want. People always said “Being single is fun because you can do what you want.” That always seemed dumb. I liked what I did when I was married. Writing songs, baking muffins. I didn’t feel I was suppressing a desire to suck two dicks at once.

But I can’t deny that something has changed because I am having a lot more fun even doing the same things I used to do. I feel less inhibited. I don’t mean in terms of men or flirting. I just feel more free to be a dumbass.

There have been so many moments of paradise. Performing music is paradise. Writing songs is paradise. Drinking an alcoholic beverage, talking to a person….

I was playing in an antiques store & there was this door that opened over and over making a chime sound. The chime sound mixing with the music was paradise. I’m playing with a bass player named Bill. The bass mixing with the melody is paradise.

I have a weekly gig at an Indian restaurant. The music mixing with images of Hindu gods is paradise. Getting paid in food and carrying my box of food home is paradise. I love playing for tips and I love playing for dinner.

I went to an open mic where someone was playing keyboard in the most elaborate fashion. The chorus was

We’re not dumb. We’re just as smart as you.
We’re West Virginians. And we’re humans too.

The audience was singing this in unison. The keyboard was going wild. Someone threw a bottle through the air and it missed the trash. Bliss overtook me and I threw a bottle too hitting Bill in the head. Absolute paradise.

These paradise moments keep stacking up to where I almost feel I’ll lose control.

There is a flip side tho…. I am struggling more than expected to run a tight & crisp ship.

For starters I don’t know what to eat. I stocked up my pantry with boxes of macaroni and tuna fish, not foods I especially like. But even cooking macaroni is too much work when you don’t have a dishwasher. I don’t feel excessively grounded. I always felt it was James who kept me down to earth.

I was single once before for about 6 months & I really started to go off the deep end. I was nailing bath towels to my wall to use as telephones. If I managed to get 5 dollars, I’d buy a pool noodle. I wasn’t delusional… it’s hard to explain but I was very aware of whether or not contacting people via bathtowel actually worked. But imagination & magical thinking took over 90% of my brain. I was writing songs constantly. I performed all the time. I painted. Did nonstop magical experiments. Then for dinner I would smash a can of green beans open with a hammer.

So when I feel spaced out and start walking in circles, I worry a little what the future holds. I hope that staying connected to other people will keep my feet on the ground.


****

Now some pics…

A mermaid created by Vulgaris & a box of tea from Avulva who wants me to suck a bag of dicks this summer. Will I? Probably not because I am superstitious about men using their penises as straws to suck out the life force. Not to mention that I can’t afford STDS when my goal is to live off $2,400 a year.

People have been sending me things to hang on my wall which means so much to me. I can’t say I feel that alone. The problem is, many of the things require nails to hang and the landlord said no holes. I bought a pack of command strips but the instructions were so complex I gave up.

Tuna fish, macaroni, tuna fish, macaroni. Together for every meal. Food is mathematics. And handwashing dishes is worse than expected.

I’m not happy with this situation because food fills in the bass notes of our emotions and I want the full range. I like people who eat. I like people who cook. I don’t like people who spend years living off candy like I always do.

Washing clothes in a garbage can. There are no laundry machines where I live or even in the neighborhood so this is my best idea.

Fresh from the garbage can, clothes hang to dry. I hope they don’t get wrinkled. It’s my first time trying this.

The jungle creeps into my kitchen. Music is a source of bliss but it needs a counterforce to keep it in check. I don’t know if I’ll be able to supply that force for myself.

A candle. I always keep one candle burning somewhere with a secret wish attached.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs On My Own Red, Soldiers, & Fire

Easy

One. Making his way cross the floor
The second don’t come anymore
Cause they only come when it’s easy easy.

Red lightning that flash in his eyes
Holding my face in a vise
This is the game that will please me please me.

Oh no lemme go I’ve been thinking about this so
Something is not right although
I love you so much beyond reason reason.

Haha funny bitch do you think that I need your lies?
Lying bitch now what words will you say this time?
After I put my dick on the line just to please you please you.

Cards cards on the table- no way
That’s not the game that they play
They only stay when it’s easy, easy.

Walk pacing around on the floor
Did you dream anything more?
More than the lessons they teach me teach me.

Oh no lemme go I’ve been thinking about this so
Something is not right although
I want you to love me and keep me keep me.

Ho ho gaming bitch do you think that I need you now?
Do you think you can turn this around some how?
I could jerk it right now to the thought of you bleeding bleeding.

Blood. One little drop just for you.
That was the first time you knew
This was a game that was easy easy.

Sigh. All of the things that you say
Holding my mind in a sway
All of the lessons you teach me teach me.

Oh no lemme go I’ve been thinking about this so
Something is not right although
When I close my eyes then it’s reeling reeling

And still I stay cause I want you to keep me from harm
Wrapped up like a fly in your beautiful arms
Drip drop from your mouth everything that you’re feeling feeling.

Swallow. Don’t snitch.
Shut your cunt mouth you dumb fucking bitch.
Are there voices do you hear their cries?
Answer me but only when I tell you that it’s time.

EasyDownload
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Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs On My Own Uncategorized

The Original Lie

Waves of grey, waves of light.
Don’t fall now- you know you have to
Make it through just one more night.

But I …. know she comes again
I can smell the stinking smell of
Unwashed hair with sin.

Oh men, they need a place to lay the evil that’s inside.
But please girl don’t you be that place,
Just find a way to run and hide!

Oh please run fast, oh please run far
No never stop until you find the world
Where no one knows you, then you’ll cry.

But don’t be scared. Afraid to die.
That was just the original lie.

Waves of grey, waves of pain.
When they settle down what kind of world
Do you think will remain?

Cause I… know she comes again.
I can feel the rotting smell of lying to so many men.

And I. I run so far.
I will run until I find the world
Where no one ever knew me and then I

Won’t be afraid to die.
That was just the original lie.

Waves of stink- I feel her there
In a room by herself and
It’s too dark to think of anybody else

And so she comes. Comes again.
Sometimes you just bow your head and
Let the darkness win and then you run.

Run so far. I will run until
I find a world where no one ever knew me and then I
Won’t be afraid to die
That was just the original lie.

Original LieDownload

My new bed which came as a box of 5,000 bars. I wasn’t going to bother even trying especially since my wrist is messed up so I can’t turn screws but three people from the shelter showed up like angels & put it together. Megatron* sent me green sheets. So many people have been helpful that sometimes I cry from guilt because I know I’ll never repay them.

That is Glenn on the right, my oldest friend, & Snuffles on the left. Meat** said it looks like a prison bed, which may be just what I need since prisoners are hard & wily.

I feel so afraid. I have to go to court in 10 days for J’s trial & I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or what will happen. It’s horrible. All I wish is that there was something I could do to make things good.

The shelter ladies gave me a choice between a green and a gray basket of home goods & I chose green. It feels like green is the color guiding me forward.

* Megatron is the being formed by women acting collectively. I can’t believe how many women have helped me. It’s humbling. I really don’t think the negative stereotypes about females are true. It seems to me they are angelic beings.

** Meat is the name of a human friend. A lady.

Categories
Astrology Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story On My Own Uncategorized

Sad

Well the thing I had been dreading happened. Neptune finally hit the bottom of my chart (representing home) and I had to move out of my house with James, Patton & Slippers into an apartment by myself.

I don’t know if I can talk about this yet because it is too painful. I poured all my love into one person and by the end he would not even allow me to speak in my own home- the home I spent one million hours painting & cleaning, the home where I served him food every day, made him 5 coffees a day, always did what he wanted and tried to please him. But no matter what I did his view of me kept growing darker and darker.


One wrong word from me had become so powerful it would derail his brain for weeks and force him to stay in bed, missing important deadlines. This is why I was no longer able to talk. So I stopped. But that wasn’t enough. In the end he said my very presence terrified him. He wanted me gone. And so I had to move out. That is the bad part. The horrible part. I can’t even process it or figure out what it means.

Based on what others tell me he is narcissistic & discarding me because of his upcoming domestic violence trial. I no longer reflect positively on him and it is easier to get rid of me than to own some mistakes and move forward. Some people tell me he has borderline disorder or might be experiencing psychosis. Sometimes he would scream at me “I’M INSANE- DON’T YOU GET IT!!!!! HOW STUPID ARE YOU!?!?! MY BRAIN DOESN’T WORK!!!”

Some men ask what I did to him to make him this way. Some say he must have just stopped loving me. If there is one area of life in which I applied myself it was as a wife. I did everything I could for him. He used to yell that his stress was due to the house being in foreclosure. “THANKS TO YOU WE ARE GOING TO BE HOMELESS, DON”T YOU GET IT!?!? HOW STUPID ARE YOU?!?!” So I got us in a covid relief program that paid all $18,550 of the debt. It took me 9 months. It didn’t even make him like me for one minute.

He said he couldn’t afford food so I got us foodstamps. He didn’t want to be bothered, so I didn’t bother him. If he wanted cookies at one am, I made them. I *wanted* to make them because I liked doing things for him. He meant so much to me.

He wanted me to run for office and I did. He wanted me to start a cardano stakepool so I did. If he wanted me to do astrology readings for him or his stakers I jumped at it. I would have done anything for him. I enjoyed it.

When I try to think of why he hates me these are the only things I can think of…

  1. I’m not capable of sleeping in the same bed. I just can’t fall asleep. For a long time, anything hurtful he did would be attributed to how I hurt him by not sleeping in the same bed and he needs that.
  2. I can’t swallow his cum. This makes me want to throw up. It’s nothing personal to him I just don’t believe in eating things that aren’t foods. Just thinking about it I’m starting to gag.
  3. I turned him into the police. I didn’t know he would get arrested. I just wanted their help and didn’t know where else to turn. It had been 5 years of him hurting me and in those situations you have little recourse since you are supposed to keep the whole thing private. Him going to jail was my greatest nightmare. I didn’t want that. But he will never forgive me for it. He says I did it out of spite.
  4. I had a mini-affair. After he came back from jail, he was darker than ever. I didn’t know what to do. He loathed me. If I tried to talk, he would twist a blanket into a rope & hold it over my mouth.

    I didn’t know what to do. I felt I’d exhausted all options on the side of good, so decided to try to the dark side & went to second base with a psychopath. In some ways, it helped because it diverted my mind from James, so I could leave him alone more. But it wasn’t long before this other guy was also threatening to kill me and I felt maybe I didn’t want to be a lying cheating whore anyway.

    So this could be why James hates me. But he hated me before I did it too. He hated me before he went to jail. He would scream at me that I was a stupid fucking cunt who had ruined his life. He didn’t say how.



If people had watched the last 6 years they would probably not understand why I miss James so much. But I really loved him. His essence and smell, not necessarily the way he treated me. Now that I’ve met more humans they always say I’m funny and that James must like how funny I am. This makes me laugh because, no, James does not find me amusing. At best, I’m a stupid cunt. At worst, a terrifying presence. “PLEASE STOP!!!!! STTTTTOOPPPPP!!!! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!!!???” he would scream on repeat while covering his ears, crying and rocking back and forth if I tried to talk to him about anything. He does not find me funny.

But its more than his essence… I liked how caring and protective he once seemed. How loyal I thought he was and how much I thought he loved me. I liked that he wanted to put down roots with me and create something lasting. I liked collecting things with him and having a house and dogs. I liked it when we cooked together. I liked how he used to help me solve my problems.

When I first met him, I was pretty insane due to living in isolation with a husband who had me be 28 different people. James’s love & his encouragement to listen to myself helped me untie many knots.

But even in the beginning, some problems were there. About every third day would be spent in the closet crying because he would go into rages. I can’t remember what the rages were about. It seems like they didn’t make much sense. My first husband also went into frequent rages about things that were hard to understand. But with James I would block all the bad things out. Because he was True Love. I saw him as perfect and those were the feelings I had towards him. Absolute trust as well.

It was only when he started getting physical that the fog started to lift a little. Because I felt that was crossing a line. As a kid I heard that if a man hits you you must leave immediately,. So I felt I had to draw a line there. But I couldn’t. After jail I stopped trying to draw that line. Cause it felt like me drawing lines was the problem. The problem was that I was a bad wife who had got her husband in trouble. So I wasn’t going to make a deal about it anymore.

But in the end, he wanted me to leave. I was so malicious, so psychopathic, such a lying gaslighting spiteful cunt that he needed me gone so he could function. No amount of silence, service, tolerance, anything made me better in his eyes.


Now when I go to the house to visit the dogs he is neither hot nor cold. Neither happy nor bothered. I’m a janitor wandering in to clean the toilets. No longer a psychopath. No longer a malicious cunt. Just a nothing.



Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs On My Own Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies

Life is Pain

Fruit Cocktail bought with my new EBT card in a bowl given to me by the women’s shelter who are also paying for my apartment. The single life is full of woe. If you are married- PLEASE never leave your husband. Especially if he orders you pizzas or takes you to chick fil-a. Especially if you can get dipping sauces & order breadsticks and fries and milkshakes. You would be insane to walk away from something like that. Nothing is worth more than the lump of a warm body combined with food.

Life is pain.
Bang your head on the shining door
Everything you went looking for
In his eyes.

It was maybe a dream
Worlds that bubble up from the floor
Head is twisting a little more…
Who am I?

Do you hear all the little things? They sing.
All the little things, they say
All the time we need to get back home, we’ll find.

Stay closely by
Move slowly across the floor
Everything you went looking for
You’re about to find.

Close both of your eyes
Hear the words that the people say
Feel the waves come in cool and gray.
You can feel a life.

Life is a flood.
Pumping his dreams into your blood
Heaving gently against the mud.
Never alone.

Can you fight for the flame?
Clawing your way towards the light.
Bleeding silent into the night.
Almost home.

Do you hear all the little things? They sing.
All the little things, they say
All the time we need to get back home, we’ll find.

Stay closely by.
Move slowly across the floor
Everything you went looking for
You’re about to find.

Close both of your eyes.
Hear the words that the people say
Feel the waves come in coold and grey.
You can feel a life.

Do you hear all the little things? They sing.
All the little things, they sing.
All the songs we need to get back home we’ll find.

Life is PainDownload
Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs On My Own Red, Soldiers, & Fire

Please Don’t Hurt Me

Okay this is a song. I hope it sounds like one but I am too nervous to listen because this is my first attempt recording by myself which I have to do since I moved out on my own which is very sad and scary but by the end James was just screaming at me all the time that he was terrified of me and I was a psychopath and I made it so his brain didn’t work and he needed me gone so he could think and I didn’t really know what to do so finally I did what he wanted, just like I always did, and left.

I was already enrolled in a program through the women’s shelter to be placed somewhere so they are paying my rent for the first year. If it wasn’t for that I don’t know what I would have done. I don’t understand what is going on with James, if he is suffering from something or messing with me, but by the end restrictions had become so severe that it was a feat to accommodate him. I started to take pride in my ability to contort into more and more ridiculous positions.

The rules went from not being allowed to ask questions to not being allowed to speak. At all. Because one word from me could be so disruptive to his brain that he would be compelled to stay in bed for three weeks recovering and missing important meetings.

But the more I was expected to stay perfectly silent & calm the more he would amp up the behaviors most likely to upset me and make them more and more obvious, such as his romantic interactions with other women. By the end, I just accepted this and remained unmoved. It was the only option left.

And he was still allowed to speak of course, since he was not the terrifying psychopathic one. Every day he would unleash on me multiple times about how I had ruined his life, stopped his brain from working, lost him a billion dollars that very day etc. By the end, not talking & silently accepting everything was no longer good enough because by then my very presence threw him into a state of terror.

I moved out close to 2 weeks ago and at first just felt extremely sad about losing this perfect love. But as time moves on I am starting to see other things that make me feel other feelings. Like fear. At home I was not allowed to be afraid of him. Because I was the terrifying one.

Setting up the kitchen in my new home. I really hope this works out. I have to admit I felt much safer with James at the wheel.

Please don’t hurt me.
Please don’t let them do me harm.
If they try let them die
By your arm.

Please don’t let them touch what’s mine.
Please no sneaking behind my back.
And all the treasures they defile
Bring them back.

Let me fly God let me fly
Let me watch the world below.
Blood is flowing in the streets
Let it flow, let it flow.

Let me see God let me see
Give me eyes on every side
And when they come again for me God
Let them die.

Always thought your way was love, I never knew a thing.
God is not sweet words, a smile, a home, a diamond ring.
God is not the man who stands by you when you kneel down to pray.
He only stands behind you when you slay.

You wanted me to rise and sing
You wanted me so tall
To kick and spit and elbow when they had me gainst the wall.

You wanted me to scream and curse
And bite them in the dick
And not to care what other people think.

If God lives he lives through us
so rise up from your bed.
And let him place the crown upon your head.

Please Don’t Hurt MeDownload
Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Uncategorized Writings

Rise of the Triple-Saint

Well it turns out double-saintdom is not all its cracked up to be. Enter the triple-saint.

The triple saint is a defensive position; flower turning into bud. The goal of the triple saint is to avoid feeling angry or hurt in situations that would rightfully make you so in the hopes of neutralizing a degenerative cycle.

Because no matter how much we talk up assertiveness, the reality is that assertiveness will sometimes get you killed. People are naturally going to advocate for themselves when it’s safe to do so. But sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes you have to bend over & take it without getting broke on the inside. The triple saint is lubed and ready.

The triple saint is for when appeals to sympathy have fallen on deaf ears. You are overpowered, not human, and communication is pointless. You’re in a banana court for a crime you didn’t commit. People want you to swing. Why? Cause they took your money & if you die they don’t have to pay you back. The triple saint is for when you are the scapegoat.

Unlike the double saint, the triple saint has given up on being a pleasing mist. She knows all efforts to appease our futile. She is a pawn and the script has already been written. She is irredeemable & must be sacrificed.

The triple saint is caught in a backwards spiral. This is a relationship dynamic in which the more you give, the more you end up in debt. An example would be a hooker who works 7 days a week but owes her pimp so much money she can’t leave.

In a backwards spiral, you are always guilty, so you compensate by trying to give more, care more, cater more & pay closer attention to someone else so they will stop feeling wronged by you.

But no matter how you try, you just make things worse. All your efforts are either zeroes or strikes against you. And if you ever feel that this is unjust & try to defend yourself, well now you’re on trial for that. Guilty. Of hurting the other person by defending yourself. Guilty. Of being hurt by their actions. Guilty for how you made them feel, for what you made them do.

Backwards spirals occur when there is a power imbalance to begin with so confronting the other person will not succeed. Imagine a slave confronting their master. Any confrontation is a mark against you. Any complaint a grave injustice.

The path of the triple saint involves three steps which are simple but difficult to perform.

  1. Stop Giving. This is most important.

    You must turn off the flow of giving that you rely on to feel safe. To feel in control and hopeful that you might turn things around.

    The triple saint must stop believing she can change people by loving them. Perhaps this works with plants, animals and babies but it doesn’t with men. Why? I don’t know. My theory is that God designed life in part to sharpen our wits. He doesn’t want us to be potatoes getting everything we want with hugs & smiles. And so he made darkness & men & the law of the jungle was born.

    Anyway, here are the reasons you must stop giving…

    a) To give up the dream that you can change people with love. So long as you see yourself as the cause and controller of other people’s behavior you cannot see them clearly. Without seeing your environment clearly, it is impossible to make wise choices.

    b) Giving entangles you. You cannot truly feel great about constantly giving to someone who mistreats you. So you will end up feeling upset. This will eventually leak or explode out and become evidence of what a bad person you were all along.

    c) Giving entangles you. You cannot truly feel happy about giving to someone who mistreats you. You will want them to change & will eventually express this in some form. This will make them feel controlled.

    c) Giving entangles you. The more you give the more you are associated with the person’s problems. The problems you are trying to solve. So when blame comes down the pipe, you will be the first one hit.

    d) Giving places you in the parent role. Whatever unresolved parent issues he has will be placed onto you. He starts expecting you to be responsible for everything, including his feelings. And at the same time you will be unappreciated and invisible as a person in your own right. Like a mom. You are a source of support and a place to dump negativity.

    e) When you become the parent, he becomes the child. It’s not safe for men to regress into childlike roles, dues to their natural aggression which needs to be controlled through a sense of personal responsibility.

    f) Men are rewards driven. When you give in response to bad behavior, you incentivize it. If you try to heal pain, you incentivize pain. If you cater to mental illness, you incentivize insanity.

    g) Giving is a drug that eases anxiety. Until you stop, you won’t really know what feelings you are running away from or be able to address them.

    f) Giving depletes your resources. And you are going to need them. Maybe you can’t stop the attacks, but you can be strong when they occur.

  2. Give to yourself. Maybe you are the person you can actually change.

    You probably fear you will be attacked if you invest in yourself. Maybe you will be. But you will be attacked anyway. Investing in yourself will make you stronger, more able to withstand, and a less appealing target.

    Men- unlike women- never treat people well for being nice. They respect power. Having more of it is your best hope for good treatment.

    And even if it doesn’t change how you are treated it gives you more options.

    Giving to yourself can mean different things. What holes do you have that you are hoping this man will fill? Can you fill them yourself?

    Are you seeking romantic feelings? Touch? Money? Friendship? A garbage man? Someone to compliment your eyes your thighs? If you can figure out what you are needing you can start trying to resolve your own neediness. Use your energy to fill your own holes. Stop trying to fill his holes. They might not be what you think they are anyway, since men tend to hide their true needs & feelings while projecting out false vulnerabilities for their enemies to strike.

    If you are with him for sex, buy a vibrator. Money, get a job. Self-esteem, start praising yourself. Romance, buy scented candles & lie under a flower bush.

  3. Lastly, what should the triple saint do when attacked? Don’t fight back or defend. Their goal is for you to be bad. They have more power than you or you wouldn’t be here. Any battle is a loss for you.

    See attacks as weather. A cold breeze is touching you. A piece of hail falls on your head. Take shelter or curl into a ball but don’t fight. There’s nothing to fight. What’s happening has nothing to do with you. It hurts so bad to be powerless to change things, powerless to make things better. It hurts to have love withdrawn after you have made all life choices around the idea it would always be there. But saints were born to hurt. Just hold on to the idea that there is another world where you are loved. A perfect world. Rest there silently until the storm passes.


Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Uncategorized Writings

The Way of the Double Saint

What is a double saint? Is it someone who performs twice as many good deeds as a regular saint?

No. The problem with regular saints is they push themselves too hard. To serve. To be good. They strive. And so pressure builds up inside. One day they blow and to prison they go. This is what we call the saint paradox.

The double saint seeks to avoid this paradox by striving less, but also being less at the same time. When you are nothing, you don’t annoy people as much. Then it takes fewer good deeds to repay them for tolerating your existence.

In this post I will assume you want to become a double saint to get along better with a man. If not, adjust accordingly.

Here is the path of the double-saint.

  1. In all things think vapor. You are no longer a person. You are a vapor. Always ask yourself “What would a vapor do in this situation?”
  2. Speak less or not at all. A vapor listens and absorbs.
  3. If you do speak, make it short, light and pleasing. Even praise should not be heavy handed. Coming on strong- even in a positive sense- requires the other person to be aware of your presence, which is taxing to their mind. Just one dandelion puff of uplifting words will do the trick.
  4. Never question, criticize, disagree or weigh in on any subject unless asked. Why would a vapor do this? If you are in a car with a man who is driving off a cliff, you go off the cliff too. Wordlessly. You are a vapor. You will be fine.
  5. Do nice things for the man. However do not strain yourself doing nice things or you will reach the saint’s paradox. Do nice things you enjoy doing, so that you don’t need him to notice or appreciate them. Needing to be appreciated would be a tax. The double saint strives to be completely untaxing and always relaxing.
  6. Remove standards & expectations. A double saint must not only avoid putting pressure on the man, she must remain unpressurized herself. Do not hold him to any standards and if this makes it difficult to uphold standards yourself then let them blow away.

    Do not become saintly by performing a mega house cleaning. Become double saintly by not caring. Once again this prevents the build up of emotional pressure that will eventually cause you to express yourself.

    7. Be pleased by pleasing yourself. If men see you are pleased, they will take credit for it and be happy. If you tell them how to please you they will feel bossed. So learn how to please yourself in all ways while crediting your happiness to him.

    8. Release objective reality. The double saint must never expect another person’s words to align with objective reality. Do not feel tangled up when words are false, nonsensical, self-contradictory etc. Just hear words as clouds of modern poetry beholden to neither rhyme nor reason. What is a word, but a tiny bird that a cloud once thought they might have heard? In this way you float gently through skies of lies without being tangled in a single knot.


    Are you getting the idea? The saint strives, feels like the man isn’t holding up his side of the bargain & gets frustrated. She expresses this & ends up in the hospital. The double saint doesn’t care what the man does. She is able to not care by remaining in a non-pressurized state. She is able to be non-pressurized by removing expectations & activities that pressurize her.

    Is a double-saint the same as a slacker? Not at all. To remain a vapor requires great discipline. She twas loose as a goose when they slipped on the noose. She received all abuse while remaining diffuse. Tho she lacks the vigor of the regular saint & is unlikely to slay dragons, her strength lies in equanimity. She knows her soul is immortal and therefore no problem will be the end of her.

    And what does the double saint do when treated unjustly? What if she is yelled at, blamed or punished for a crime she didn’t commit? How can she avoid that natural emotion of anger or the desire to stand up for herself which she must avoid at all cost? What if she is stolen from, betrayed, raped and beaten, how does she retain her vaporous personality even then?

    This is a tough one and I don’t know the answer. Just recognize that no one can be perfectly saintly, much less double-saintly. Try stress gummies, vallium and- in cases of verbal attack- attempt to discreetly cover your ears. If this is impossible, write down the words and turn them into a rhyme.

    Why are you so dumb, you stupid cunt?
    When in yonder field the falcons doth hunt?

    Feel better now?
Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story Writings

Hollowing Out

The scariest thing is when you love someone but slowly they begin to hate you and you don’t know why and so you try harder but you can’t be good enough and day by day they start to read more and more sinister motives into your actions until eventually you are an evil psychopath and there is nothing you can do about it. But you still love them. And you want them to love you. But you can’t control their perceptions. You don’t know why after basing your life around them you are morphing uncontrollably into this dark and sinister figure in their mind. And they treat you accordingly. Punishing you for the bad things you’ve done. And you want them to love you. They aren’t just a part of your life, they are your whole life.

And anything that goes wrong it is because of you. All negative feelings they have are because of you. If they don’t get out of bed, if they don’t have a clear head, it is because you did that to them. You are the essence of everything evil. But you want them to love you. And you don’t want to get help even if you need it because if you do they will hate you for making them look bad. But they already hate you. And you don’t know why. And you want to change it but you can’t.

And other women are good. They are deep and insightful. He tries to get them to open up. He tells you you aren’t allowed to talk. You are the essence of everything evil. But you just want him to love you. You would do anything if you could make him love you again. But you can’t.

You try every piece of advice. The problem is you are too boring, so you try to be interesting. But you aren’t. Because you don’t even exist except when something goes wrong. When something feels wrong. When there is a memory of wrongs long ago. Then you are the cause. The problem is you aren’t respectful. So you try not to have opinions and to always agree. Mental submission is the easy part.

The hard part is when he tells other women he loves them. If you find this behavior hurtful he says you are deranged. It is just a game. A game that you started. Other women don’t get upset when their husbands tell other women they love them. They wouldn’t scream or cry! Look at you! Have you looked in the mirror? You do this because you are an angry person. You are evil. You threaten people. He is scared of you.

And I could endure anything if I felt he truly loved me. Violence, poverty, insanity, I don’t care. But if they don’t even love you, then what was the point of it all? You give everything you can think of to give, always coming up with new things but in the end you are just the cause of their problems. Someone else is wonderful. She is so deep. He knows this because she doesn’t say much, just responds LOL to everything he types. How can she pack so much meaning into a few letters? Because she is good. You are bad. She is caring. You are a psychopath.

He tells her this. That you play games. She says wow you really need to get out of there. He doesn’t say what these games are that you play. If you knew what they were you would try to stop playing them. And you can’t ask him what they are because you aren’t allowed to ask questions. It is one of the rules. Meanwhile he tells her, “You know you can ask me anything you want.” She is allowed to ask him questions because she isn’t evil. But she doesn’t have any question to ask him. LOL.

You keep thinking of what you can do to change the situation, to turn things around. But he’s already told her he doesn’t love you, he’s just with you to have access to his computers. He’s just with you until the trial is over. You make him dinner. He eats it and leaves angrily. You wonder if he is reading this. If he is he won’t like the way he is portrayed and will never love you again.

But how can you make him love you again? You tried magic, prayer, cooking, cleaning, praising, listening, silence, obedience, jumping at any chance to be helpful although mostly he just wants you to leave him alone except for when he needs you to listen to him tell you about the bad things you’ve done. You got upset. That messed up his chemicals. It jacked up his cortisol and took away his dopamine and now he can’t work. Because of you. Two days later, seven days later his brain chemistry is still off. All because you got upset because he told another woman he loved her. He told you not to look through his stuff!

You tell him your love language is words and ask if he could say something nice to you sometime. You wait. You try phrasing it in a different way, making sure not to apply any pressure. Instead he asks her what her love language is. He tells her how pretty she is. Mesmerizing.

But he tells you it is just a game. In reality he thinks she has a pedosmile. She reminds him of his mother. You don’t know what to think.

You always felt his mother had a desire to interfere in your marriage even though she is dead. But this is probably too far out to blog about. No one will understand. Back before you became a psychopath he might have listened to you when you said something like that. Maybe. Bur you have learned not to bring those things up. You are a liar. A gaslighter.

And all you wish is that he would come back and that you could be good again and he could love you. And you could help him with whatever he is dealing with. And he could treat you with respect and affection. Because you have the house. The two dogs. The possessions you are now selling off to pay the electricity bill. It was all part of a dream of love and security. But writing this will make him look bad. Maybe you are a fucking psychopath.

You warned him about this three years ago. That he would start projecting dark things onto you. That he would be attracted to dark women who represented the worst parts of him. That he could go to jail. You had a dream about it. But his perspective is different. You aren’t the one who tried to warn him. You are the one who made it all happen. You are pure hatred.

And all I wish is that James would come back. There is just this feeling in my chest & I want him to hold me even though he never really does that anymore. I don’t know what I did wrong.

Categories
Astrology Charleston, West Virginia Writings

My Question

One thing I think about a lot is how to combat various influences in your life.

Some transits, for example, will bring in a lot of dark energy. Others aggressive red energy. Others uplifting delusions that lead to your doom. What is the best way of handling this?

In theory, you could harness this energy for a successful outcome. Use the red energy to become a fireman. The dark energy to become a detective. But what about when the energy is coming from outside sources…. someone is screaming at you, someone is trying to murder you? Will becoming a fireman really help?

Let’s say for example, you are having a Mars transit causing clash and conflict in relationships. In my experience, if you try to become more assertive at this time it will blow up in your face. You are cranking up the heat on a situation that is already too hot.

Same as trying to become more spiritual under a Neptune influence. You are already too deluded. If you try to become more spiritual you just end up in white robes with a dick in your mouth. You could even go insane.

I’ve experienced this a lot with dark Pluto transits. I’ll tell myself maybe Pluto is fucking with me because I’m not black enough. This line of thought stems from when I lived in New England. They really hated fire there and yet their houses were always burning down. So I assumed fire was getting revenge on them for not embracing it. But maybe I was wrong & the houses were just burning due to being hundreds of years old or people needing insurance money.

But regardless, this led me to try adding black energy when Pluto got too scary in the hopes this would pacify him. Which always led to disaster. Violence, injuries, being scapegoated & generally ass raped which is Pluto’s signature move. Things got scarier. No matter how much I liked the idea in theory it didn’t work in practice.

Applying opposite energies seems to work better. You can cut down on anger & aggression during Mars transits if you stick to colors like blue and green, while avoiding red hots at all costs. But sometimes this gives me a little bit of FOMO. Sure, I am dodging a bullet but am I also missing a once in a lifetime chance to become a fireman?

I don’t know. Some people think air conditioning is an appropriate response to hot & humid summers while others think it is better to eat chile peppers & bake in the sun to acclimate yourself. Who is right & who is wrong? I worry about this every day.

But one thing is sure. In a crisis, when suffering from heat stroke, AC, shade & water are better than building a bonfire. At least until the immediate threat passes.

So perhaps when assaulted by darkness it is better to go to church & become a saint rather than buy a cauldron.

I’m not sure. I am currently being assaulted by darkness so I will try the “Become a Saint” approach & let you know how it goes. If you don’t hear from me again, you will know it didn’t go well.

Adding black was not the answer.
Adding black was not the answer.
But what is the answer?
Becoming a saint.