Category: Writings

Categories
Astrology Writings

Simple’s Guide to Saturn

There is one dangerous misconception regarding Saturn that must be corrected- that Saturn is a realistic planet.

Saturn is realistic in the sense that he is a hardworker who builds everything solid in our world. He understands the material plane and society’s structures. HOWEVER….

When left alone in his room, lying in bed and listening to music, no planet is more delusional. Because Saturn is meant to build castles on the earth, not castles in the sky. With Saturn’s energy locked in your head, you look at the future and see a graveyard. You look at yourself and see a loser. You are viewing life through a dark and distorted lens, not a realistic one.

Understanding Saturn’s delusional nature is the key to thriving during Saturn transits (or in general if he is heavily emphasized in your chart.) Once you realize something is a delusion it doesn’t have the same grip on you. And this is critical cause those who believe Saturn’s negative messaging can end up wallowing in self-absorbed misery and wasting this precious energy.

Because these same fumes that are toxic when they live in your head can be turned into diamonds by actually doing something in the real world. Your goal during Saturn transits is to turn something gaseous into something solid.

I will repeat for those of us who are female. The first and most important step during Saturn transits is to recognize that depressive perceptions are hallucinations. You are not the rotting skeleton you see in the mirror.

The second step is to get to work.

You need tangible goals during a Saturn transit. You need to become a more productive person in some area of your life. Just as you can feel a Saturn transit (depression) without ever looking at an astrology chart, so can you know exactly what you need to do without consulting an astrologer. Saturn is usually about doing the obvious. Taking steps towards achieving long term goals and resolving glaring life problems.

But if you are in a situation where there isn’t a clear course of action, then make one up. As long as you do some form of work, you will gain under Saturn.

Saturn on the moon for example, is frequently a time when people brood and get depressed. But why? Instead you should be working hard around your home and learning the skills to become a domestic goddess. Take a cooking class. Become a better cleaner. Beautify and fix things.

With Saturn impacting the Sun, don’t stay home because you aren’t in a party mood. Socialization, friends, self-expression, these are now things you need to work at. So exert yourself in this realm. Saturn’s work ethic can be applied to any arena of life bringing feelings of satisfaction and mastery which go way deeper than fun.

If you are a naturally depressive person who has trouble moving into action- or perhaps the transit is so grim you just need a booster- here are a few tips to consider.

  1. Make it official. All work is important work in Saturn’s eyes. So take yourself seriously no matter what you are doing. You might consider taking an official course or getting a certificate related to your goals. And when you get that certificate, frame it and go out with friends for a celebratory dinner. Have them make a toast to you. Take your efforts seriously.
  2. Be a joiner. Saturn is a man of this world and wants to contribute something. Saturn transits are not about you- they are about what you bring to the table. Don’t isolate. Especially if you struggle with motivation, join clubs and associations relevant to your goals and interests. And remember, no work is too trivial to take seriously. You could start a housekeeper’s association where ladies meet to share cleaning tips.
  3. Friends in high places. Saturn loves upward mobility. So especially when Saturn is transiting Venus or the social houses, make a list of people you admire and befriend them. Or a list of people it would be useful to know. While Saturn tends to dry up woozy romantic feelings, relationships with those you consider superiors can flourish under his watch. If you are having trouble with your spouse at this time (a common side effect) try social climbing or becoming pretentious together. It’s a time to strive, not a time to cuddle. Give Saturn a constructive outlet and he can improve everything he touches.
  4. Go gay. Saturn loves pomp & circumstance, so if you need a motivation boost try gaying it up. Bring your teacher a polished apple. Wear a beret to art class. Wear a chef’s outfit in the kitchen and pair wines with your meals, pronouncing them in French. Whatever you are doing, make it a little extra until it finally brings a smile to your face.
  5. Fire. I don’t know if this will work for others, but my go-to Saturn tip is surrounding myself with fire and warm colors like red, orange & yellow until I gain enough zip to start moving in the right direction. Saturn can feel dim and heavy so an extra dose of zing can be just what the doctor ordered.

One last thing… during a Saturn transit sources of support and comfort you once enjoyed may disappear. However, this is temporary so don’t panic. It is just Saturn’s way of forcing growth in new directions. Whatever you lose will return, just as it did for Job.

But for now, detach and swizzle from any losses. Forget about the doors which are closed and focus on those which are open. Saturn transits only last a few months to a few years so you want to seize the opportunities you currently have. If you don’t, for 28 years the results will haunt you.

The key takeaway from astrology is really that time itself is alive and always changing, infusing your life with new possibilities. It is safe to focus on the now because the future will open up soon enough. Open doors will close and closed doors will open.

Categories
Astrology Charleston, West Virginia Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies Uncategorized Writings

Pluto in Aquarius: A Swarm of Butterflies

I’ve been wanting to write a post about Pluto in Aquarius for a while now, but have held back because I feel pressure to predict which dark & dismal events will occur since this is what astrologers are supposed to do. But my heart is being pulled in a different direction, possibly infected by Aquarius’s optimistic spirit already.

So I am going to give you 11 reasons why I am excited for Pluto to enter Aquarius this spring. We have really been buried alive by depressing Saturnine energy in recent years, which- combined with Neptune in Pisces- has created a insular culture where people spend their lives picking lint out of navels in the name of self-care then wondering why they are depressed and taking drugs to fix it.

But the age of drugs, nutrition & laziness is over. Aquarius brings a new player into the mix- your mind. We will focus less on what we are putting into the body and more on what our mind and spirit are putting out into the world. If someone is struggling we will consider their thoughts, beliefs, spirit & failure to circulate in the world as likely causes of the problem.

So anyway, here are 11 breaths of fresh air that Aquarius will bring to us. Start developing these qualities now & be ahead of the game this time.

  1. Optimism. Once upon a time we understood how a person’s attitude influenced their overall well-being and those days are back. Depression is no longer a chemical imbalance y’all. It is now the consequence of negative thoughts and beliefs. And what is anxiety? The absence of faith. And both are products of a self-absorbed spirit.

    Not only will we recognize the importance of our attitude, we will realize we have the power to transform it and then the sky becomes the limit.

  2. Selflessness. An obsessive focus on the self will come to be considered the cause of many problems. We gain lightness from remembering we are part of a whole. When we care for others as we care for ourselves our hearts open and burdens drop from our shoulders. Joy fills our lives.

  3. Faith. Faith in a higher power gives us wings. It elevates our spirits and once again burdens fall from us.

  4. Mind over matter. The material world may not be as objective as it seems. Rather than our psychological health having a physical basis, perhaps our physical health has a psychological one. We will come to see that what happens in our minds exercises a tremendous influence over all aspects of our life.

  5. Big Picture Thinking. In recent years our gaze kept shrinking inward. Only focus on the present moment! Only focus on the feeling of your breath against the back of your throat! We called this meditation & mindfulness.

    But what if we did the opposite and expanded our awareness so that it included the future, all of time, all beings, everywhere, everything?! The goal of Aquarius is to see the largest panoramic view of which a human is capable. Why must we limit ourselves to the present? What if we stretch our mind 10,000 years into the future or view life from the perspective of all eternity? What if we soar above our present feelings and instead feel our oneness with everything that exists? How would this change our perspective and our choices?

    Expanse brings exhilaration. The future brings brightness to the present.

  6. Dreaming. As our minds open, we begin to dream. When we have faith in God and faith in the power of our minds we begin to believe in our dreams. When we feel our oneness with others we know that we share a dream and all work together towards it. And we have all of eternity for dreams to come true. With so much spiritual power, time, and friends on our side, our dreams will certainly become realities.

  7. Get out of bed & leave the house. When we were focused on our feelings, home was the place we were safe. But now we are looking for God, striving for the future, seeking exhilaration. None of this can happen in a bathtub. The emotional comfort of curling into a ball will pale next to the feeling of openness and possibility we get from charging out into the world to face the unknown.

    (In recent years, people probably would have tried to seek God in a bathtub. However, our concept of God is about to change. He is no longer that cozy feeling in your chest, but a humongous, awe inspiring presence, jaw dropping in scope. We find him through faith and opening to the world, not retreat.)

  8. Fun & Laughter. While these are not goals that Aquarius seeks, they are by-products of the lightened spirit & open heart he brings.

  9. Inspiration. In recent years, people became obsessed with facts, research, experts, education and science. All thoughts needed footnotes in order to count. But with Aquarius ideas can just pop into your head from the blue. We can think thoughts that no one has ever thought before.

  10. Friends, friends & more friends. Friends will be everything. They are the wind beneath our winds. They bring joy to our heart. We will form brotherhoods & lesbian fellowships that span the globe, singing and holding hands. We will bounce out of the house eager to say hi to new and old acquaintances. In past years, friends were outside the self, and therefore a potential threat to our comfort. 99% of humans came to see themselves as introverts.

    But from an Aquarian perspective these people are pieces of our spirit and share our same spiritual destiny. We are the original friends who have been together since time began and will be here when time has ended. Friends are part of us. Saying hi to them is saying hi to a little piece of ourselves. We are all one.

  11. Birds, butterflies, balloons, airplanes, angels & everything that flies. Including the sky and God. All these things come more into play. Please forget that this is Pluto entering Aquarius and don’t worry about how scary he can be. Just imagine butterflies flying everywhere, as far as the eye can see in every direction. This is the future.
Categories
Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story Uncategorized Writings

Lesbian Fragments

For some reason I have been having the hardest time expressing myself & now there are so many thoughts in my head I can’t get them all out

So please allow me to share fragments of my mind through pictures…

A ginger root which I planned to carry with me throughout January as part of the “30 Days to Ginger Your Swagger” challenge. The idea was to do dumb & risky things each day for thirty days & come out at the end of it an empowered lesbian warrior.

However, this didn’t happen because I started off the year sick, which gave me time to reflect and I decided that a series of random dumb actions would probably not lead to empowermint after all.

Me taking a package to the post office, as I do most days as part of my ebay swizzle. I look worried because I am. I was certain I would go through life as a housewife and never face the jungle myself.

I have taken to wearing a cross because a) protection & b) maybe if people think I’m religious they’ll treat me better. So far that does not seem to be the case. It’s almost like devils are attracted to crosses. But it still makes me feel safe.

That is my Megatron Powers coat btw. Megatron is the spiritual being formed when women unite to activate their lesbian powers. No sex required.

Putting butterflies & airplanes all over my house in preparation for Pluto’s entry into Aquarius this April. I should write a blog post about this, but once again there are too many thoughts to deal with.

At least in the beginning it should be a refreshing change since it will bring more air into our lives, making people more social, optimistic, active & future looking. Eventually though it will likely reach a critical mass causing people to become heartless and ungrounded, willing to sacrifice past & present for an idealized future that will never arrive.

Still I’m looking forward to it.

Four candles lit to the four winds- Boreas, Eurus, Notos & Zephyrus. I love these cuties.

Arm healing after I fell off a chair on Christmas & crashed onto the floor. Why did I fall? Because I was trying so hard to peer into the truth of something. It felt like the truth was above my head & I kept staring at it harder & harder until I lost my balance.

A miniature vase being sold on ebay. Selling my possessions on ebay can be pretty painful cause each one of them was part of a cherished dream. I remember the feelings of hope and excitement associated with each purchase.

Mostly they are part of the dream called “Stuffington’s Estate” which involved James & I living in the most stuffy & pompous house of all time, where we would sit in the library in our leather chairs each evening by a fire sipping creamed soups. Surrounded by dark paintings of scowling men. James and I loved antiquing together, cooking new dishes & collecting things. So Stuffington’s was the place where all this good would pool up. It was the life I was working towards. Now what am I working towards?

An endless sea of glass. Waiting to be sold like slaves.

Three glass leaves that grew up together. What happens now? They get sold to separate homes & never meet again?

Real life empowermints sent to me by lesbian friend MK Ultra (Man Killa Ultra.) My lesbian name is OJ, standing for Orange Julius.

True Hope Empowermints. Hope is an Aquarian thing. It can give you wings and lead to your fall as well.



Lesbian Extraordinaire. That’s me. But what does the future hold for this lesbian once her glass runs out?

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story Uncategorized Writings

My Problem

My biggest problem in life is the inability to make decisions. This stems from confusion and a lack of clarity which stems from always doubting my own perceptions. This is largely the result of paying too much attention to what I am told versus the evidence of my own eyes.

It looks to me like he is wearing a red shirt. Because it is the color of a bright red apple. But he says his shirt is blue. I ask him why it looks the same color as a fire engine then. He says that’s because I’m a cannibal and cannibals think everything is red. I start to spin. How could I be a cannibal? How many of the people I’ve known have even died? Sure my grandmother, but many were at her funeral to watch her being lowered into the earth. Are you saying I snuck back to the cemetery dug her up and ate her? How would I manage to pull the coffin up all by myself? Do you know how much those things weigh? Also wouldn’t a cannibal need a meat processing plant? Where would I be hiding this? How would I even get the money to afford one?

And so on it goes for days until all my energy is gone. I’m pretty sure I’m not a cannibal but darn it is hard to prove. Next time I look at his shirt, I avoid seeing it as red exactly. Maybe it doesn’t have a color. Maybe colors exist in other dimensions that humans can’t understand. Cause seeing it as red means a war and I lose. It means being at odds with people I love. Seeing it as red means I am a cannibal. I eat people. So I just try not to see it clearly at all.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Uncategorized Writings

New Year’s Resolutions

One of my New Year’s resolutions is to think more for myself. I have a habit of googling every question that enters my mind from “What should I do right now?” to “What is the meaning of life?” and no matter what I google the answer is always- eat more vegetables. Oh and drink more water, sleep more, meditate, take a bath, stay at home, some gentle yoga, drink tea, wrap yourself in a soft blanket, dim the lights, a gentle self massage & let your last thought be of gratitude as you slowly sink into that final sleep. This is the wisdom of our time. To indulge the self into a state of non-existence.

So I would like to throw out a few alternate New Year’s resolutions because becoming a vegetable isn’t for everyone. Some of these may be morally questionable but I also think it is morally questionable to devote your life to becoming an amoeba.

  1. Become rich. An oldie but goodie which builds the wits and nerves. Will lead to more growth than chamomile tea.
  2. Become popular. Also a classic. Exciting, challenging & guaranteed to expand your world. Unlike yoga.
  3. Party more. This could have its down sides but life is not all about seeking states of calm. Sometimes you gotta bubble and flow like lava.
  4. Live in the woods. If you want solitude then earn it. Don’t sit in your government apartment smoking weed. Build yourself a damn house in the woods. Triple credit if a woman does this.
  5. Social climb. An advanced version of becoming more popular. Use strategy to become ensconced in social circles that would typically reject you. Then blog about it.
  6. Be a whore. Not professionally, just have sex with lots of people. This is probably a bad idea though. Please don’t try this unless you know what you’re doing. Sex is linked to the underworld in ways no one can understand. And demons cannot easily be returned to their jars.
  7. Do drugs. This is also a bad idea. Just say no. The worst part of drugs is they can make you too passive and that is exactly what we are trying to avoid. Say no.
  8. Walk across your state. Guaranteed to be more interesting than keeping a gratitude journal.
  9. Take a second spouse. This could cause trouble but would be less boring than keeping a gratitude journal together.
  10. Live in a third world country. Make sure it is really third world though cause otherwise living abroad will probably just turn you into a pretentious ass. Try Chad.

Okay these aren’t the greatest ideas. But the point is you can think of a more stimulating goal than drinking lemon water each morning. Life does not have to be about dying. Languidity is anathema to spirit, a wet pillow held over his face as he struggles for breath until finally the flame goes out.

Life do we remember thee
Tho you loved us we killed you with chamomile tea.

So don’t resolve to murder your spirit this year. No journals, no naps, no child’s pose, no government injections easing you into the world beyond. This year feed the part of yourself that wants to live!

As for me though, my resolutions are not that exciting as I am still working my way out of the special needs category. They are

  1. To practice thinking for myself when I have life challenges rather than googling for answers.
  2. To make more friends in the physical world. This is a lower tiered resolution than becoming popular (mid-tier) or social climbing (top-tier) but that’s just where I’m at. I don’t even know if I’ll like having friends yet. Plus it forces me to address many areas of practiweakness, like money, transportation, technology, clothes etc.

If you have made resolutions, please share them!

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Uncategorized Writings

A Christmas Plea

The music industry has perverted the relationship between musicians and people with ears. Either the musician is a star and you must approach them as a grovelling fan or they are an ‘aspiring’ musician to whom you should drop a few coins as an act of charity. Both scenarios are false and repulsive.

I’ve known tragic cases where musicians died of loneliness despite having plenty of ‘fans’ because all these fans assumed the musician must be swimming in a sea of adulation & wouldn’t want to be bothered by them. Meanwhile the musician was actually living in isolation and abject poverty until they went insane and offed themselves. Unless a musician is super famous, odds are you have more money and friends than they do. So why be a fan when you could be a friend instead?

I know some people don’t want to know the people behind the songs because they feel it would ruin the songs for them. And yeah it probably would but isn’t that what life is about? Popping fantasy bubbles and replacing them with realities which you eventually decide are even tastier?

There are probably many men who would enjoy sex more if it could just be about the hole and they never had to meet the person behind the hole. But we train them to meet the person anyway because otherwise the thrill of the hole fades and they end up empty and bitter. In some cases they are even shot to death then hung upside down in the town square to be jeered at by their neighbors.* So just because it is simpler to see songs as divorced from their creators does not ultimately make it the way to go. If music is bread, musicians are the bread’s crust. Learning to eat your crust is a big part of life.

In fact I think the ultimate model for funding music would be an informal patronage system where music is free but those who like it fund the artist in some way big or small. But this can’t happen until musicians and listeners first become friends because I doubt many humans want to patronize a stranger or a star who is hovering above them.

It repulses me when artists are raising funds and say things like “If you donate 50 dollars you get to have lunch with me.” That is like paying for sex. Most humans aren’t into it. We don’t want to lunch with someone who considers it an honor for us to lunch with them. Once we reach maturity we don’t want to be no one’s fan no more.

So the first step in considering how musicians can earn a living is really to take money off the table altogether & heal the corrupted relationship between artist & listener. Place them on the same level and connect them.

And drop the “Support Local Artists” nonsense as well. Barf. It makes musicians sound like pathetic beggars with no inherent value who must be kept on life support out of the goodness of our hearts. If you don’t like a musician, please don’t support them. Would you take someone on a date because you felt sorry for them? It is cruel because it bonds them to someone who secretly finds them worthless. Set these losers free to find people who actually love them or else to find a new profession altogether. But prolong not their suffering through false friendom.

ON THE OTHER HAND…. if you believe the musicians you know suck, consider if this is really true or if you have actually become a brain dead zombie through watching too much American Idol. Did you know that if you use a vibrator on a regular basis you stop being able to enjoy sex? The same principle applies to music, food and everything really. When we become used to unnaturally stimulating products free of roughage that provide quick dopamine fixes we lose our taste for things which are more complex, fibrous & wholesome. Perhaps when you hear a local musician they miss chords, sing off key or use clunky lyrics. THE HORROR!!! But really, why does it matter?

Music is not a talent show. It’s about what touches the heart and something rough and awkward is as likely to do so as an overblown symphonic barf bag. Forget taste & critics & Shakespeare. It is just humans expressing feeling. Put yourself on the same level as the music and try to open up to it. Don’t hover above it like a disembodied brain trying to decide if it is worthy of you. Humble yourself and see if you get something from it. If you do, hit on the musician afterwards. Or at least say hi.

Cause one cool thing about being friends with a musician is that your spirit will certainly work its way into their music. Every song I’ve written was inspired by at least one person I know, although in some songs multiple souls overlap. I never tell the people cause this would seem super fucking creepy. Sometimes I don’t even realize who the song is for until later. It isn’t an intentional process, just an unavoidable organic reality. Pieces of other people enter your heart and come out as sounds.

So please. A Christmas Plea. Consider that music could be something other than an impersonal commodity to be purchased from our overlords. It is a living spirit and by befriending the musicians you become a part of it.

And in this way you shall enter the realm of the Immortals and through Paradise forever and ever shall your soul fly free.

The End.

* This is a reference to famous man ho Mussolini, not the figment of a sick imagination.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story Uncategorized Writings

For Whom Empowermint Tolls

I wrote this a few weeks back but only now got the nerve to publish it. Cause it references neighbors & I’m not sure if it’s cool to blog about neighbors or not.

I’ve been feeling kind of bummed, like I reached the end of empowermint. There may be no way of getting more powerful than I already am. My last empowermint was smoking illegal drugs. It blew my mind I was able to achieve this and now it kind of feels like I’ve peaked. What more can I do? Rob a bank? Dallas? These things require cars and I still don’t have one.

I also sang a couple songs on stage without dying of a heart attack. It wasn’t as scary as I thought it’d be. Felt like floating, like I wasn’t there at all. Still counts as a mint though.

I’ve now been to bars three times. They are scary but exciting. People do drugs. I received a pot gummy bear. But this was after I’d completed my illegal drugs empowermint, so I didn’t eat him. Instead he was flayed and quartered. I fed the meat to a friend each time he got angry in the hopes it would calm him.

At the bar a guy told me he was hard and asked what color panties I was wearing. I asked if I could see his jockstrap. Then he starts shouting how much he loves sucking cock. Then he smashes a bottle over a man’s head. They start punching and blood is dripping down their faces. One of them has black X’s painted on his cheeks. It felt like being in a dark wonderland. Nothing like the world I am used to.

Everyone in the bar was larger than life. Some wore diamonds despite being men. One had just escaped max security for murder. One said he would fuck me over a fireplace. One had only three fingers on his hand. One wore an earring of a butt and said he likes doing everyone up the butt regardless of gender. One had just gotten stabbed. If I could be certain of not getting murdered it would be quite exciting.

But I’ve been so cloistered I don’t totally get where excitement ends and danger begins. A friend told me I was on my way to getting my organs removed. So I tried returning to pre-empowermint days. But that isn’t safe either. Once I believed that being a good housekeeper would ensure my safety in life. Now I know that sooner or later God throws everyone out on the streets. So you gotta be ready.

And then you get addicted to the thrill. I kind of want to see more of this crazy world. How many men are out there with X’s on their face? How many want to see my underwear?* What is PCP? What signals do drug addicts use to find dealers? What sweet words and caresses will organ dealers use to win the trust of healthy people? Can you be fucked over a working fireplace? If a man offers to let you watch him jerk off is it yes or no? I want to know everything.

But those lesbians. They keep reminding me I’m courting disaster and I know they’re right. What I really need is to join a ladies book club and I promise I will. Ladies help you become smarter and more organized. They encourage you to make crafts and sell them at a fair. Around men you grow clear and gelatinous. You wait to see what they’ll do next. You try not to set them off. Men are a feast for the imagination yet a practibrain disaster. And we all know exciting choices rarely pay off in the end.

So I’m trying to be good. Today I had the opportunity to do something fun but instead stayed home and ate 12 slices of cheesecake. Cause that is what Mr Rogers would do. Virtue today is happiness tomorrow. Thrills lead to chills. Aids. And death.

*FYI- I realize nobody wants to see my underwear. Men only feign sexual interest as a way of getting your money or something much worse.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story Uncategorized Writings

The Merchant’s Taser

My practilife is going ok. An ongoing issue is transportation. I walk in the day (busses cost money without saving much time) but at night don’t know how to calculate the odds of danger. One friend sent me a taser which allows you to electrocute people if they get too close. Another said a crossbody bag keeps you safe from muggers so I bought one. I’ve never needed a purse before since I had no keys, phone or wallet. Now I mumble keys phone wallet… keys phone wallet….to myself one hundred times a day. You keep these three on you at all times.

I tried to select a crossbody bag that says Professional Crisp. The one that arrived looks more like Back to Preschool. This is a problem because people keep asking if I’m autistic. Pretty sure this is code for retarded. So Not Retarded is the main message I want my clothes to send.

I know it is bad to use the word retarded. And cool- almost trendy at the moment- to be autistic. Just one more reason I don’t want to be seen that way. Not to mention that it *won’t* be cool anymore once the wheel of the gods turn a bit further. I’m trying to prepare for the future by building a competent Can Do persona. You should too.

But back to the purse- not only does its shape seem dimwitted, its color is too noticeable. I thought it was light colored when I bought it. My goal for now is to blend in. There are too many holes in my skill set to completely avoid a retarded feeling. But I can avoid becoming a Famous Retarded Person. I don’t want people pointing me out as they drive by in their cars.

Maybe I shouldn’t care though because the other weak spot in my practivitization is that I don’t know anyone where I live. I have learned though that long distance friendships are very real. Not only did facebook friends send me enough money to make it through the initial crisis, they also patiently explained how everything in the practiworld works & even called 911 for me when I couldn’t figure out how to do it.

I couldn’t breath & thought I was going to lose consciousness. But when the cops and ambulance arrived a few minutes later then I could breath and felt so bad for wasting their time even though they were really kind. They asked me if I wanted to get into the ambulance just in case. But being laid out horizontally & placed in the back of a mini van is actually one of my worst nightmares. I associate it with being retarded.

So anyway, I am not sure how to meat people where I live. Friends have suggested open mics. But can me and musicians be friends? I feel like we’re oil & water. It’s a bro culture. You aren’t supposed to care about things smelling bad and being covered in goo. Worse than a bro culture, though, cause it specifically revolves around young, lazy men with no moral compass. Still, I’m trying to be open minded. I might have bad ideas about musicians that it’s time to release.. I’ll try to meet some just in case we get along. Maybe I’d like doing drugs. My facebook friends are always high.

Or maybe astrology readings would be better. Then I’d be dealing mostly with women. And you really get to know people when you read for them. I like the feeling of becoming no one & focusing on someone else’s problems. People’s lives are so much messier than anyone lets on. Realizing this has made me more socially comfortable.

And if you’re wondering how I’m currently able to survive, it’s mostly through my new identity as Arabian Merchant. Selling on ebay. It’s a decent fit for me because shopping is my one true vice. And I’m finding most things in my bulging vault of possessions have gone up in value since I bought them. I’m able to make a profit while clearing space for future shopping. I’m like a fat person who finally got a tapeworm. Now mama eats what she wants.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story Uncategorized Writings

The Cops

One of my side hustles is offering legal advice and the question I get most is “Should I call the cops?”

Once I would have said yes. I like cops because they are protective. However, I’ve come to realize the answer is no.

Cops are not themselves. They are teeth in a giant mouth. The mouth of the legal system. You don’t want to end up in its belly. You don’t want to end up like me.

How I wish I could go back in time just a couple weeks and change my fate by refusing to speak to them.

But I am so used to speaking my mind in worlds where there are no consequences. It’s what I do. I didn’t know that if you flap your jaws in the presence of cops your whole life can change in an instant.

I wanted to talk to them. I was distraught, semi hysterical. I couldn’t stop crying. But I didn’t want anything to happen. I asked them if it was safe to talk to them. They said it was. Nothing would happen. I was so dumb back then. I didn’t know the role of cops is to move food from the mouth into the belly.

Next thing James is in jail. Not what I wanted. I pleaded with the cops, telling them they would be punishing me more than anyone. Without James I literally had zero access to money, phone, transportation etc (100% of his funds are in crypto which I don’t know how to access.) Do you have any friends or family? No. Well, don’t worry, there are plenty of resources to assist you. Don’t worry. There are so many resources out there. Just call this number and they’ll take care of you.

I called the number. They said they maybe I could have two bus passes if I promised to use them for something important and not to go gallivanting around town.

Every step along the way I am told not to worry- there are so many resources available. They are protecting me. I say being homeless doesn’t feel like protection. They say well maybe they can get me a discount on a counseling session. I say I don’t need mental help. They say well maybe we could get you into a pottery class at the helping hands center. Do you like crafts?

I am The Victim. Everywhere I go there are Victim’s Advocates. They pull me into little chambers where there are crayons and coloring books. They give me hugs and stare into my eyes with caring looks. I try to explain that I’m neither retarded nor insane. My concerns are material. I don’t want to be homeless. They tell me my life is worth more than my home. Yeah, but I really don’t want to be sitting out on the sidewalk with no place to go. I have two dogs. Honey, I understand that but we need to keep you safe. There are so many resources.

Oh really. The night the cops arrested James they didn’t want to take me back home for safety reasons. So they tried to find a women’s shelter to put me in. Every shelter within a hundred mile radius was full. Finally they found a shelter where I was allowed to be locked in a little room next to a trash can. I was hyperventilating & screams would come out because I didn’t want James to be arrested. There was a woman on the other side of the glass. She was laughing with her friend because she had asked me if I wanted her to call a paramedic and I didn’t know what one was.

The shelter was basically a female prison. They said I couldn’t enter the main building unless I was showered & put in a new outfit. Hard pass. There was one room where 20 women slept on bunks. Some women high on drugs were banging on the door to the trash room trying to get in.

A magistrate has ruled I can have no contact with James until his trial. Not even through a third party. And no financial support either. For my own protection. Because there are so many resources out there.

I will survive though. Facebook friends sent me money to get me through the first round of utilities being turned off. Selling my possessions on ebay is working better than expected. I found an extra mini part time job. But what if I didn’t have these things? What if I had kids rather than dogs? What if I hadn’t known to open a bank account the week before due to being an astrologer? Without that one piece in place I’d have no water or power. It makes me feel weird that putting me in peril is happening in the name of making me safe.

A lawyer said it’s cause they are terrified of women getting killed by their husbands cause then everyone gets in trouble. The magistrates, the cops, the mayors. Whereas if the women die in other ways, not their problem. After all there were plenty of resources out there.

So anyway, my legal advice is this- the cops are not your girlfriends. Think twice before spilling your guts because your whole life can change in an instant.

James gets out of jail. I may have given the impression in previous posts that he left me for another woman (I also received condolences on his death.) That was me trying to keep up appearances. He is out now but I’m not allowed to see him until his trial on October 25th at which I am expected to be a witness. Apparently this is the exception to the rule that you can’t be compelled to testify against your spouse. I don’t know that it should be an exception however.

Also I must point out for legal reasons that this photo was not given to me by James. In truth it wasn’t.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story Uncategorized Writings

Under the Veil

Above all I feel disoriented and confused. Of course, this is my normal state. I wish there was some magical way of knowing truth. Then I could have clarity. But life is a collage of feelings, words, half-eaten evidence and none of it ever adds up. And so I become obsessed. Because there is no closure. What is real? What isn’t? How do I make good choices from a position of darkness?

My only comfort is this blog but even then it’s walking on ice cause one wrong step and I fall into bad wife zone. What is okay to express and what isn’t? I don’t know. From what I gather you aren’t supposed to speak of your husband at all unless you’re singing his praises. But then how can you talk about yourself? It’s like a person in a concentration camp writing about their life while trying to leave out the concentration camp part. Especially for females, I imagine, romantic partners take up so much space in our life that if we can’t talk about them what the fuck are we supposed to talk about?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a Scorpio & I love having a secret life that is hidden beneath a veil. That’s where I thrive.

But I’ve learned something else. Secret worlds are prone to toxicity. They can’t help it. They are dark, stagnant pools of water. Unconditional love, loyalty and dependence give power to your partner. Power corrupts. And in a finite set one element corrodes the others, like that game rock, scissors, paper. And so a cycle begins. There are no outside elements to mitigate. What happens behind closed doors is nobody’s business.

Christians say marriage is a rope of three strings- man, woman, god. I don’t think this is the right model since God will certainly be defined by the partner with the most power. I believe the three strings are man woman & society.

But human society is not what we think. There is this tendency to de-mystify it because it seems so mundane to us. When in reality it is the color gold & an expression of virtues & idealism that come from a higher realm but demand embodiment THROUGH us. In this way, it is distinct from white spirituality in which higher powers act on our behalf. From what I can tell, gold is the one and only antidote to the toxicity of excessive blackness.

Being cut off from gold is the problem my husband is facing (Am I allowed to say this or crossing a wife-line?). These last 5 years he has been bombarded with Pluto transits which immerse a person’s mind in blackness. Power issues, paranoia. And he is Plutonic to begin with. He wears black. He isolates. He sleeps during the day and wakes when the sun sets. He spends all his time in the darkest room of our house, the one that gets no sunlight. He doesn’t laugh. He brews & stews in his own juices around the clock. And I like dark guys more than sunny ones. But the darkness has gone way too far even by Scorpio standards and begun to take on a life of its own. What I call a backwards black 8 spiral. If you want to see a tv series about this dynamic watch the show ‘The Affair.’ It’s really good. Undealt with childhood issues basically cause a happily married man to unravel until he ends up accidentally whacking off to his daughter & being imprisoned for murder.

James grew up a Jehovah’s Witness and was expected to embody moral perfection or being ‘beyond reproach.’ He wasn’t expected to do anything per se- in fact achievement was discouraged since it’s ‘of this world’- but not making mistakes was critical. A wrong thought, a mispelling, a crumb in your mustache…. all these little errors could potentially drive others away from the Good News the witnesses were trying to spread. This maybe created a dynamic where if he feels he can’t be absolute perfection, he just crawls into a hole and waits for Paradise to arrive. But in the hole the juices pile up, darkening mind & feelings. Men are solar powered.

But obviously it isn’t my choice how connected or disconnected James wishes to be from humanity. I just gotta reach for the gold myself. The last two weeks were desperately focused on learning to make money, pay bills, ride busses and use telephones. But ultimately my survival will depend equally on integrating into the golden arms of society.