Coldness- my mortal enemy. The only good thing about cold places and cold people is that they give you some relief after being burned by hot people. Sometimes I cannot even bear the presence of my second favorite color-sky blue- because of the sad and empty feelings that can go along with it. Some cold feelings are alright, because they can easily be washed away with a hug or a shopping spree. But there is a second type of coldness that doesn’t disappear in the presence of warm things.
I wrote this song while living in Los Angeles… I heard these tiny, little voices singing it in unison while I was sleeping, so I woke up & wrote it down, although it seemed like an odd little song, and not very rock n’ rolly.
Hmmm… I don’t know what to say about this song. Generally, I write down a song exactly as I hear it, without questioning it’s meaning too much, because I have a lot of faith in the images that well up from our subconscious minds. In fact, I think the symbols of our minds are generally more literal than symbolic. They are our way of registering information we are not consciously aware of.
For example, we might say “He turned green with envy” and see that as a figure of speech, but what if the person did actually- on a subtle level- turn green due to envy? Or let’s say we have a dream in which a demon is chasing us; we may conclude that the demon symbolizes our horrible boss. But what if the boss is so horrible simply because he is possessed by a demon- the exact same demon we saw in our dream?
I wrote this song while living in Nashville, where- just as in L.A.– it was a great struggle to go out and perform every night while living in the grips of extreme shyness and stage fright.
In my Nashville apartment I had two bathrooms, so one of my anti-shyness therapies involved filling one bathtub with scalding hot water and one bathtub with ice cold water and then running back and forth between the two to submerge myself. It was not fun, but as usual I was hoping that causing myself physical pain would make performing less painful by comparison.
The one “therapy” that actually worked- at least in the short term- was putting sage oil on a handkerchief and breathing through it while driving to the venue. By the time I had reached my destination, inhibitions seemed to have magically vanished, and I could walk onto the stage with only a healthy handful of butterflies..But then I read that sage oil is toxic, and that was the end of that.
At the time I wrote this song, I was very into soldiers. I had recently read Gandhi’s biography, and he talked about how he thought of himself as a soldier and tried to live accordingly.
I also tried to be a soldier, and pushed myself to be brave as much as possible, which caused me to have no respect for men whose primary goal in life was to pleasure themselves.
But, being by nature shy and cowardly, it took A LOT of work to be brave, and in the end wasn’t worth it… just like a naturally plump person trying to be super thin, or a skeletal person trying to be obese, it is bound to cause some strain when you try to diverge too much from your nature.
So, I had to come up with many crutches to help me push beyond my emotional comfort zone, such as taking ice cold baths (covering my whole body, including head dunks), and eating insane amounts of ginger. I disliked ginger, but found that if I ate enough (and it took a LOT) I was no longer able to feel butterflies in my stomach, just a warm gingery sensation.
I guess the Shanghai Trio were the embodiment of who I was trying to be- three beings dressed in red, made of fire, and afraid of nothing.
I wrote this song after being inspired by a story about cranberries in Martha Stewart’s magazine. My love and respect for cranberries has only grown over time- they are such an unique fruit- equal parts passion and stoicism. If I had to choose one word to describe them, it would be resolute.
In honor of cranberries, here is my own cranberry sauce recipe- more delicious than ice cream, and as beautiful as a jewel. I like to eat it hot and liquid, but for a more professional touch, allow it to solidify.
Me, making a cranberry chain.
Julien’s Famous Cranberry Sauce
1 cup water
12 oz washed cranberries
1 cup sugar
some honey
some vanilla
Bring water to a boil- add cranberries, sugar, a splash of vanilla, and as much honey as you like. Return to a boil, then lower heat to medium and cook, stirring, for 11 minutes. Pour into a bowl and let cool.
I wrote this song while I was living in Los Angeles. I remember writing it- inspired by the colors red and white- while walking up a steep sidewalk to visit a friend who worked at a hotel. People say that Los Angeles is a car city, but I found getting around on foot to be relatively easy, especially since the weather was so nice.
For a while, my daily routine was to walk to the mall where I would get some chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and browse the stores. I would frequently write songs while walking, since being outside gave my head more room to think.
I suppose this song is about the pain of having an emotional attachment to someone who doesn’t have a functioning heart. Many people are in this situation, with family members, boyfriends, etc. Do you end the relationship- which can be extremely painful and have practical repercussions- or stay in the relationship and try to fix the person’s heart so they will stop hurting you?
People always say that you can’t change anyone, and that seems to be true. The superficial layers of the personality are like plants, which grow and adapt over weeks and years, but the deeper elements are like rock formations- they change too- but it probably won’t be during this lifetime.
