I love candles. Many times a single candle has altered the course of my life.
Last night I lit a red candle and BAM!! All these realizations about sex started flooding me. I saw how it merges two people’s energy & if the man doesn’t value your survival & material well being as his own you best steer clear, cause he will dilute your energy. The energy you need to survive. Especially for someone like me who feels precarious in her own survival to begin with.
Wanting a man to invest in you materially isn’t selfish…. why would you merge your material body with someone who doesn’t love you that much? I invest in Slippers materially and take responsibility for her life. Even tho I suck at survival it isn’t that hard to expand your sense of self to include someone else. This should be the minimum sort of love a person has before you risk merging with them.
Cause for me, if I have sex with someone I become very attached. My mind and emotions are constantly drifting towards them. Why would you want to spend all day thinking about someone who wouldn’t even buy you groceries? It doesn’t make any sense. Until you find someone who at least loves you that much you should hold your energy inside cause you’ll need it. Cause I think survival is hard for females. At least for me.
It’s is hard for me to think practically, logically, selfishly and strategically which is how you need to think for survival. How would a man feel if he was expected to jack off to purple rectangles? It’s not how he’s wired up.
But men are more selfish & strategic by nature. (Not to mention that their testicles are 2 extra brains devoted to survival.) It’s what makes it dangerous to be intimate with a man unless his sense of self has expanded to include you. Because although men are designed to be selfish, they also have the ability to expand their sense of self to include wife, children, family, clan, country etc. In this way they are selfish and unselfish at the same time.
But don’t place your well being at the mercy of a man who sense of self does not include you. Because to people outside this sense of self they are ruthless.
This hit me like lightning last night. I was lighting a red candle to help me be better at surviving because I don’t know what I’m going to do for money yet. I lost my last job for not conning people hard enough & the two jobs before that were both lost for crying on the job due to smells. I’m sure there is something I can do but it always seems to require being something other than my nature. Just trying to get my brain to think about what I could do ends up with staring into space as no thoughts arise. My mind is wired to be hyperaware of what is, not to strategize a path forward.
But the red candle showed me that the first step to surviving is not forming relationships which don’t facilitate your survival. Cause why would you merge with someone not vested in you? How can it lead to anything good?
I’ve always been so afraid of being a gold digger that I sort of became the reverse. But really there is nothing wrong with a man investing in you materially. I invest in Slippers materially. I’m not going to be enjoying a delicious meal while she is hungry. That would be sick. To care about a loved one’s physical well being is the most basic form of love. If someone doesn’t love you in the most basic way WHY would you allow your mind & heart to center around them? It’s self abandonment.
It may be nobody’s responsibility to take care of me but it is not my responsibility to suck their dick either. It doesn’t really matter if someone claims to like or love you. Actions speak louder than words and if they can’t love me -at a bare minimum- like I love Slippers then being with them will dilute my raw power which I cannot afford.
I have to put myself first until I find somebody that puts me first.
Thank you red candle. I will add candles to the list of things that have always been my friends… colors, candles. End of list.
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Saturday night inside a one horse town He’s blowing in like a breeze into a tin roadhouse The game is pretty easy when you choose them right All you need is twenty dollars and a saturday night oh.
Cause you wanna be high oh And you wanna feel free But you dont care about me.
Cause when it’s easy to come you come And when I bleed you go That’s just the way that things are I know.
I’m bleeding bullets like a horse put down For the last three weeks I’ve been popping them out. Blood in the kitchen and blood on the sheets Blood down my neck when I walk in the streets but
It was all just a game yeah Something fun and carefree And you don’t care about me.
Cause when it’s easy to come you come And when I bleed you go That’s just the way that things are I know.
The thing about men is when you let them win They dance around in a circle and come back again. But things is pretty different when someone gotta lose Then theys putting on their shoes.
Cause men need to be high. Men need to feel free. And you don’t care about me.
Cause when it’s easy to come you come And when I bleed you go That’s just the way that things are I know.
One. Making his way cross the floor The second don’t come anymore Cause they only come when it’s easy easy.
Red lightning that flash in his eyes Holding my face in a vise This is the game that will please me please me.
Oh no lemme go I’ve been thinking about this so Something is not right although I love you so much beyond reason reason.
Haha funny bitch do you think that I need your lies? Lying bitch now what words will you say this time? After I put my dick on the line just to please you please you.
Cards cards on the table- no way That’s not the game that they play They only stay when it’s easy, easy.
Walk pacing around on the floor Did you dream anything more? More than the lessons they teach me teach me.
Oh no lemme go I’ve been thinking about this so Something is not right although I want you to love me and keep me keep me.
Ho ho gaming bitch do you think that I need you now? Do you think you can turn this around some how? I could jerk it right now to the thought of you bleeding bleeding.
Blood. One little drop just for you. That was the first time you knew This was a game that was easy easy.
Sigh. All of the things that you say Holding my mind in a sway All of the lessons you teach me teach me.
Oh no lemme go I’ve been thinking about this so Something is not right although When I close my eyes then it’s reeling reeling
And still I stay cause I want you to keep me from harm Wrapped up like a fly in your beautiful arms Drip drop from your mouth everything that you’re feeling feeling.
Swallow. Don’t snitch. Shut your cunt mouth you dumb fucking bitch. Are there voices do you hear their cries? Answer me but only when I tell you that it’s time.
Okay this is a song. I hope it sounds like one but I am too nervous to listen because this is my first attempt recording by myself which I have to do since I moved out on my own which is very sad and scary but by the end James was just screaming at me all the time that he was terrified of me and I was a psychopath and I made it so his brain didn’t work and he needed me gone so he could think and I didn’t really know what to do so finally I did what he wanted, just like I always did, and left.
I was already enrolled in a program through the women’s shelter to be placed somewhere so they are paying my rent for the first year. If it wasn’t for that I don’t know what I would have done. I don’t understand what is going on with James, if he is suffering from something or messing with me, but by the end restrictions had become so severe that it was a feat to accommodate him. I started to take pride in my ability to contort into more and more ridiculous positions.
The rules went from not being allowed to ask questions to not being allowed to speak. At all. Because one word from me could be so disruptive to his brain that he would be compelled to stay in bed for three weeks recovering and missing important meetings.
But the more I was expected to stay perfectly silent & calm the more he would amp up the behaviors most likely to upset me and make them more and more obvious, such as his romantic interactions with other women. By the end, I just accepted this and remained unmoved. It was the only option left.
And he was still allowed to speak of course, since he was not the terrifying psychopathic one. Every day he would unleash on me multiple times about how I had ruined his life, stopped his brain from working, lost him a billion dollars that very day etc. By the end, not talking & silently accepting everything was no longer good enough because by then my very presence threw him into a state of terror.
I moved out close to 2 weeks ago and at first just felt extremely sad about losing this perfect love. But as time moves on I am starting to see other things that make me feel other feelings. Like fear. At home I was not allowed to be afraid of him. Because I was the terrifying one.
Setting up the kitchen in my new home. I really hope this works out. I have to admit I felt much safer with James at the wheel.
Please don’t hurt me. Please don’t let them do me harm. If they try let them die By your arm.
Please don’t let them touch what’s mine. Please no sneaking behind my back. And all the treasures they defile Bring them back.
Let me fly God let me fly Let me watch the world below. Blood is flowing in the streets Let it flow, let it flow.
Let me see God let me see Give me eyes on every side And when they come again for me God Let them die.
Always thought your way was love, I never knew a thing. God is not sweet words, a smile, a home, a diamond ring. God is not the man who stands by you when you kneel down to pray. He only stands behind you when you slay.
You wanted me to rise and sing You wanted me so tall To kick and spit and elbow when they had me gainst the wall.
You wanted me to scream and curse And bite them in the dick And not to care what other people think.
If God lives he lives through us so rise up from your bed. And let him place the crown upon your head.
Like a piece of string dangling in something you wrote Hanging there on a chair in the darkness and oh Feel the clouds rushing in and I start to feel hazy
So I think about you like a drink in my mind Stir it round pour it down and im wondering why With your eyes to the side make me feel like I’m crazy
With your hair and the palm of your hand If you wanted to I could believe. All the things that nobody can teach you You learn when you’re down on your knees.
You were lost in a world where the pieces don’t fit Break a bottle in anger and stare at the bits Beams of light on the stage casting diamonds so dreamy
Break a piece of a candle to hold in your mind Your whole face is a mask no one knows what’s behind But for now hold it down in the darkness we’re dreaming
There it stood open three feet between us A whole world that nobody knew. Close my eyes, maybe I could be dreaming Cause sometimes I feel so confused.
When we step on the stage then we step in the war My mind breaks I don’t know how to think anymore Crumple down to the ground where the red lights are beaming
Say you won’t hurt me, the palm of your hand If you wanted to I could believe. All those things that we promise To hold in the darkness where no one can see.
(Originally published February 4, 2023 then lost in server crash & resurrected on this day.)
Since I am currently having a Saturn transit I am torn between my desire to crawl under a rock and that voice which tells you you must always press forward so I’m just going to publish this then go hide.
Cold tea, dance with me Give me something more to eat Hold my head & help me find the sun.
Red fire, warm & bright Stay with me for one more night Tomorrow we go pay for what we’ve done.
You are my red eye by & by You are my fire come from the sky Now take my head & tell me what I need to know this time.
Like a slave I was placed on earth to follow. Like a dog, put down when I’m wrong. But I won’t break at a jagged fate to swallow You just play; I sing along.
Words spin round and round Only sky where was the ground? Leave my house you dirty cunt I’m done.
Fist eye, hot head fly Falling down the stairs was I Hold my head & tell me I was fun.
You are my best friend by & by You are my fire come from the sky Now take my head and tell me what I need to know this time.
Like a slave I was placed on earth to follow. Like a dog, put down when I’m wrong. But I won’t break at a jagged fate to swallow You just play; I sing along.
Come to me love like a bone The only love I’ve ever known A spark of light then miles and miles of dark.
Burning hands and sparkly eyes And miles and miles away the skies To settle down around around us in the park.
Like a slave I was placed on earth to follow. Like a dog, put down when I’m wrong. But I won’t break at a jagged fate to swallow You just play; I sing along.
