I’m in mute phase right now, so all I will say is that it is so easy to learn things others have already learned & so hard to learn things that no one has learned yet.
Oh & regarding this song, I will say one thing too. It is more or less about whether or not doing something stupid is a good idea. What do you think? Act now, think later has mostly been my approach to life. The only thing that has saved me is being so fearful, since usually my body will be too afraid (or grossed out) to do the dumb things I try to get it to do. But I’ve still managed to be dumb enough to learn that if you constantly act on impulse you are likely to one day find yourself in a crevice it will be hard to climb out of. Still, the actual moment of doing something dumb feels amazing, like a quick flash of enlightenment followed by 20 years in a Saudi prison.
If you are super tough though it may be that you can get away with doing dumb things more easily. You have to be grounded & practical if you want to be adventurous, otherwise you are doomed.
Take my hand but take it slowly Let it grow just like a lowly Bean towards a grain of light
Let it be so small and hidden Mixed into the air, forbidden With my mind alone I might
Fallen in the green where you wait around for me Fallen in between with your hand upon my knee
Kidneys shrink inside the darkness I know I must stay regardless Gonna do the best I can
Lay my hand down when he makes me I alone must save or break me This I swear I understand
Still I feel a cold like a shadow in my ear It’s that sound again and I wonder if you’re near
No nothing’s wrong- I told myself I would be strong but I let it slip away. Hey would you say the only way to get there is to fall Tumble to the day?
Hands go limp just like a baby Sun breaks through the glass and maybe You alone could make me smile
Life moves on then like a train To crash and clatter in my brain, but please Could you stay with me awhile?
Its that gold again, something warm against my ear Sun is pouring in and it feels as though you’re near
No nothing’s wrong- I told myself I would be strong but I let it slip away. Hey would you say the only way to get there is to fall Tumble to the day?
Feel you breathing, how could I? There’s no one here but I Feel your hands upon my face
Feel you standing square and solid Heavy arms upon me I… Now I feel a sense of place
If you found me there, if there was a way to meet me Could I follow you? No, I could never take your hand completely.
No nothing’s wrong- I told myself I would be strong but I let it slip away. Hey would you say the only way to get there is to fall Tumble to the day?
This song was from a dream. Mostly at the moment I only write songs when I hear them in dreams which can be annoying because I don’t always want to wake up. But I usually do, just in case there is some meaning behind it.
A bigger problem though is that dream songs have some added dimension that can’t be captured…. kind of like they are being sung from all directions at once- or there is some kind of harmony but not any harmony that can be replicated…. it is just like there is an additional dimension somehow that creates a feeling of infinite spaciousness, but when you wake up that dimension is gone & all you can write down are the melody and words. I suppose you could try to replicate that other quality with a children’s choir & orchestra, but I am lactose intolerant.
Take a step into the silence Smell the air- the scent of violence To close your eyes & tell us all what you see.
A single bird on the tallest tree now From all directions a harmony Somehow I know- we must follow his lead.
‘Yes I flew up to the tallest tree O do you see me there? Hellow it’s me- I have been watching you I am the reason you cried.
I alone am the crown of kings I am the god of birds and little things You oughtta know by now I’ll be the reason you die.
I fell down. I was saved. I was thrown. In a pauper’s grave.’
Wading now into the water Oh my god, are you my father? A little boy crying there at your feet.
The waters clear & the pictures come now From all directions the boys will drum now A sea of men blowing into the creek.
‘Look again into the tallest tree And you will see me there- bow to me I have been watching you I am the reason you cried.
I alone am the crown of kings I am the god of birds and little things You oughtta know by now I’ll be the reason you fly.
I fell down. I was saved. I was thrown. In a pauper’s grave.
I hope this is a video where I sing the song thru to the end rather than messing up in the middle & stopping, but I can’t bring myself to watch it and find out. The worst part of music (beside the technology) is having to think about, look at, and listen to yourself. I can’t really deal with that, so as much as possible, I don’t. I hate having to consider the impression I make on others & have a hard time doing it anyway, since I don’t know how others think.
Some people enjoy sculpting their self-image. For many musicians this seems to be a big part of their job. I think that is why I avoided music for so long, because I didn’t want to have to think about or promote myself anymore. But now I don’t, so its cool. I can stay in my own world.
The way the media portrays it, the essence of femininity is an obsession with one’s own image, but- for the average women- I think this is far from true. If anything, women have a diminished sense of self and increased sensitivity to things around them. Their focus on appearance is mostly a shield against the negative judgments of their value which they have been trained to fear since birth. And I don’t think these judgments come from men but are really a media creation.
I feel like a dork talking about the media, but at the same time I don’t know if you can overstate the influence Hollywood & its sister industries have had on our collective mind. They have truly seized control of the collective imagination- how we see life, what we think it is about. This is tragic, because the spell they cast is a dark one which seems consistently designed to make people devalue themselves & life.
And they are the one part of our society which is consistently misogynistic as though they are led by people who specifically have it in for women. They objectify women and see women in their natural role as worthless. The only way women can redeem themselves is either by 1. being a perfect object that many men want to have sex with (in real life being a perfect object & having a lot of opportunities for sex are probably not very related, but the media links these together so females will see being hit on as a sign of validation) or 2. being able to do masculine things as well or better than men. Both of which, for most women, are going to be unfulfilling.
I don’t think people realize the impact this has. When women complain about being objectified, men don’t seem to understand where they are coming from or exactly how deep the wound can be. They see it as an attack on men. “Hey, I’m a man, I like to look! Sue me! (Snort snort).” They see women focusing on their appearance and then asking not to be objectified and the whole thing seems quite hypocritical. In reality, men objectifying women isn’t the problem. Perhaps they aren’t even doing this. We’ll never know. The real problem is women objectifying themselves.
The problem with women believing that their value and power comes from their appearance is, of course, that it cuts them off from their true source of power and has them searching for water in a place where no water is to be found. In a natural state women retain the connection to those forces which created us and the memory of what we were before birth. Without female energy in the world, we become disconnected from our source and start a desperate search for something to replace it. We forget that we are immortal & the world is full of magic. Life becomes flat and dry. So many of the psychological problems in the modern world are related to the degradation of women. Women are the essence of depth but we have turned them into the essence of shallowness.
What is my point? I don’t know. I don’t mean to sound all goddessy- I don’t even like that stuff. But I see that people suffer mentally from the fact that our collective imagination is ruled by a heartless masculine cartel. As I’ve expressed many times, there is nothing I love more than masculine warriors, but ruling the collective imagination is not their proper place.
Mostly I just wanted to say sorry if the video is messed up.
Lyrics….
It was nearly close to sunset And the air it was swimming with flies They were swatted without regret As I laughed by his side
Dancing in the palm of his hand- fire Dripping through the blood in his veins I need to keep walking I can’t get tired Falling back again and again
Gonna see the river Gonna see the river Gonna see the river Gonna see the river
First his shadow fell upon me Then he held my little hand in the fire So I tried to lift my eyes up But I was tired
Dancing on the back of my eyes now People always said he was gay But I saw him slip into the White Palm That was a good day.
Gonna see the river Gonna see the river Gonna see the river Gonna see the river
Suddenly the trees begin to smile Twirl me on the pavement for a while You couldl give him one more chance After that I’m on my own.
Sink your fingers deep into the red Ringing in the air around my head You couldl give me one more chance After that I’m on my own.
Gonna see the river Gonna see the river Gonna see the river Gonna see the river
Not much time until the sunset Just keep moving for a little more while Though he killed you without regret Still he always had the heart of a child
Dance into the river of regret Dance into the river of pain Dance into the aquador where we met That was a good day.
Gonna see the river Gonna see the river Gonna see the river Gonna see the river
These plates, called “Friendly Village” (which I don’t own) were the inspiration for this song. There is something so romantic about plates, especially when they contain pictures framed in brown designs. The color brown itself is so dreamy. It represents that ideal you are always reaching for but can never find…. security, home.
His hands upon me I was spun around. Tripping over my feet through the softly fading town
Brother no… nobody leads the way Brother no… nobody leads the way
He turns towords me when the evening shines His hands upon my head I’ll wait until my time
Brother no….. nobody leads the way Brother no….. nobody leads the way
First it seems to be a no go Then he tells you things will fade away All the while the winds begin to blow And so you stumble on the way
I know nothing’s gonna make up your mind now love This is just a matter of fact I try putting all my thoughts in a line although This will never bring him back.
His arm around my neck I start to smile We’ll watch the clouds pass by just for a little while
Brother oh…… I’ll let you lead the way Brother oh…. I’ll let you lead the way
First it seems to be a rainbow Then he tells me it’s a cloud of gray All the while the fog begins to grow so you will Wander through the day
I know nothing’s gonna make up your mind now love This is just a matter of fact I try putting all my thoughts in a line although This will never bring him back.
He holds me up against the wall til I can fly Scenes of peaceful villages fade in & out of mind
Brother no… I’ll let you lead the way Brother no… I’ll let you lead the way.
First he tells you its a no no Then he tells me I must seize the day All the while the clouds begin to grow And they grow colder on the way
I know nothing’s gonna make up your mind now love. This is just a matter of fact. I try putting all my thoughts in a line although This will never bring him back.
Light on the wall Just stare at it hard then he’s coming to call He said that your name was the cause for it all But you knew truth- he knew nothing at all And next thing it’s all coming down.
Blue on your mind Then come the words that you’re struggling to find A world that don’t change and his arm like a vine till he’s lifting you up by the shoulder.
Waited too long You can’t hold it back now you’re lost in the song To enter a world where you could not belong only lay hypnotized in the smolder.
Cotton is shame But when you’re alone then you’re primed for the game The way you’ll go out is the way that you came To touch is to know that you’re feeling the same And next thing it’s all coming down.
Light on your mind It hurts when you know he’s not looking to find Anything more than to have a good time and that you were the one he could roller.
Melted again Everyone knows it’s the heart of these men To lower you down till you can’t rise again then they turn to a friend and grow colder.
You will remain Just hold your hands close to the fire of the pain And in the end only the fire will remain The men will return to the light where they came And next thing it’s all coming down.
If I sound out of breath its cause I am. But I had to get this recorded anyway. It is from a dream in which I was on a train & sometimes I worry if I let too much time pass I will lose the dream’s feeling.
Step on the train my friend Down beneath your feet it rolls Hands upon the window now We watch the clouds begin to blow
See the sky fill up with wind Press against us like a flag Til the evening comes again And then the clouds begin to drag
No one can know us now We are unknown to ourselves Flying forward here we go And now the sky begin to melt
Nobody knows the way Flying forward here we go No one can help us now Sing cause its the only thing we know
Watchin the sun rise now And the sky he comes again I tried to help you but I only seemed to make the darkness bend
Through a tunnel now we’ll fly Rest your eyes for just a while Darkness push upon us push upon us Let confusion lie
I didn’t know you then You didn’t even know yourself Flying forward through the dark And now the tracks begin to melt
First we’ll reach the tunnels end Then we’ll move into the light Golden beams upon us Sing cause it’s the only thing inside
Step on the train my friend Press your face against the sky Watch the blue forever flow Watch the world begin to fly
Feel the dream begin again Feel your eyes begin to close Press your face against glass Sing cause it’s the only thing we know.
(Can you please just ignore the way my face looks in the frozen video screen? Youtube just selects a random moment from the video & it is hard to sing in a way where you never look weird. The hardest part of being a musician is how you are also supposed to be a professional engineer. And someone who likes to be on stage. And self promoter, etc etc etc)
Can you close your eyes we’re almost there? I can feel the tendrils of his hair Look I see the pole they said that we’d find First you know we saw it in our mind.
Close your eyes and let him start to speak First we fall down limply then go weak Though we cannot move we see the star And we know this man will take us FAR.
First we feel his hands caress our face Lips that part too gently to erase All the things that lay behind us now Things that hurt us in the mind somehow.
Darkened hands that lifted up the lid Of the heavy black box where we hid Till those heavy hands became a star And we knew this man would take us FAR.
Sister hold my hand it’s just the two of us to withstand what he gives. Let your mind give way you know they say the one who dies will be the only one lives.
First his eyes seem black then they seem blue First he watches me then watches you As though we were dancing though we lie Paralyzed and facing towards the sky.
Then we feel his hands begin to touch Do we like it no or very much? Either way we’re flying in his car We have found the man who takes us FAR.
Hey mister where you go? I was waiting too? Laying all my things around for you. Stars shining in the night if they only knew Waiting like I said I’d wait for you.
And its hard to be that strong When I was waiting there for you for so long. And its hard to live that low When I was waiting there for you to go.
Big man walks the night alone, I was walking too. I was walking til I find the the line to you. Yes he walked beside me then, for a while it’s true Tell me comfort til I found the round to you.
Cause it’s hard to live that low But there is nowhere in the dark where you can just go. And its hard to hear that song The one I sang inside my head to you for so long.
I prayed you’d walk before me Mountains that fall before me I never knew the way that things would change.
Take my hand before the star rise Pull the cotton away from my eyes I wait for you to come and bring the change.
Stars shining in the night I’ll be waiting too. Waiting like I said I wait for you. Soft breeze blow upon me now tremble in the dew I just stood there like I said I’d stand for you.
And it’s hard we live so long Always dreaming of a man whose so strong. And its hard, the things we know When there is no place in the world where you can just go.
I’ve been trying for a while to post something on here & written about 50 blog posts which I didn’t publish due to a desire for invisibility. I toggle between urges to be visible & invisible based on which seems the safest.
On the one hand, people knowing you exist makes you safe. It increases the odds that someone would notice if you went missing. Perhaps in extreme cases, someone would come to your aid. On the other hand, the more people know you exist the more enemies you have. And the more information they have about you, the more nooks & crannies for landing their little arrows. The wider you stretch out your personality, the larger the target becomes.
Still though, I consider it part of my destiny to try and trust in the soft mush of faceless unseen people & to believe that something good might emerge from that mush one day.
***
He points the gun at me I say please don’t shoot He says, ‘What makes you think I would do that to you? After all that I’ve done that’s the way that you see me? Then walk out that door cause you might as well leave me.’
Oh no…. my brain…..something cracking inside Please I need to find darkness some place I can hide Just climb under the bed, just lie there very still I wish someone would find me but they never will.
Walking around it’s a daze in my mind now The flowers are blooming, the sun is behind now But inside it’s raining I can’t make it stop And I bite on my tongue cause I need not to talk.
Oh no…. my head… something breaking inside Now I need to find shelter some place I can hide But behind every door there’s a man with a new gun There’s no where to go if I had the strength to run.
Clouds in the sky I don’t think I can join you So fluffy and free all the bullet pass through you You’ve nothing to fear and you rain when you want to I wish you saw me I need someone to talk to.
Oh no… my heart… something breaking inside Can you hold it together until we can hide? Just climb under the bed just lie there very still I wish someone would find us but they never will.
He points the gun at me I say please don’t shoot He says what makes you think I would do that to you? After all that I’ve done that’s the way that you see me? Then walk out that door cause you might as well leave me.
Oh no…. my brain…..something cracking inside Please I need to find darkness some place I can hide Just climb under the bed, just lie there very still I wish someone would find me but they never will.
Walking around it’s a haze in my mind now And the flowers are blooming, the sun is behind now But inside it’s raining I can’t make it stop And I bite on my tongue cause I need not to talk.
Oh no…. my head… something breaking inside Now I need to find shelter some place I can hide But behind every door there’s a man with a new gun There’s no where to go if I had the strength to run.
Clouds in the sky I don’t think I can join you So fluffy and free all the bullet pass through you You’ve nothing to fear and you rain when you want to I wish you saw me I need someone to talk to.
Oh no… my heart… something breaking inside Can you hold it together until we can hide? Just climb under the bed just lie there very still I wish someone would find us but they never will.
