I trusted you; your pale white face I walked through snow to your winter place Wearing no shoes; covered only in lace Snowflakes fell to their death upon my face
As you waited for me inside. But I didn’t know you had already died.
Your green eyes shone; they seemed to say Every star that shines, it can be yours one day. Though skin peeled and fell from your arm I never felt alarm
I just stared into your eyes. How could I have known you had already died?
Something hides deep in a cave The darkest part of your ribcage It can’t be seen; it has to hide It can’t let anyone know that you already died.
In a deep dark well, I had lost some things I gave you everything that it was possible to demean. You seemed to shine, but it was only the glow Of decay but I didn’t know
That God is always high A pure white sheet in the sky He never cuts us with a knife Just to see us cry.
But I never flinched I just held out my hand. Love was a concept I did not understand.
I was intending for this song to be the last of my “Pathetiques-” those songs which express the most pathetic slice of my soul. Therefore, I took some time off from writing in the hopes of tapping into a more vigorous part of myself.
But since I spent that time painting my apartment pink and learning the daintiest of sciences, chemistry, it may be that my descent into patheticness is just beginning.
*
Handkerchief rests like a weight on my chest, I can’t breath, oh no
I knew from the start the things that come will go
You say you love me, but love is a word, tra la la, I know
Life floods when it comes and where it goes it goes
Restrain, I can’t breath, mind tries focusing
But what is there on which I can rely
I don’t feel love, I don’t feel real
Please don’t let them know how I feel.
Handkerchief lies like a weight on my eyes, I can’t see, oh no
I’ll come when you say come and where you go I’ll go
Hand on my chest, you gotta breath in and you must let go
But even when I gasp and wheeze the air will never flow
Faces in a blur, cold hearts, I am sure
Though their hands reach through the fog, I will demure
I don’t feel love, I don’t feel real
Please don’t let them know how I feel.
Smile girl, take your place
You knew life was a masquerade
Take a deep breath, then resume your place.
Everyone said the spring would arrive, so just wait through pain
I sat on the bench and waited for the rain
Scent of the pine, scent of the drops which on the needles lie
I waited for the thing on which I could rely
Silence is that you? Silver and golden too
Fallen on the forest floor, I walked all over you
I don’t feel love, I don’t feel real
Please don’t let them know how I feel.
I don’t like microbes; please don’t touch my arm with your fingernails I’ve already thrown up in my own mouth three times today I twist and spin, still the world presses in like a gauzy veil Covers my eyes, lies, fuzzy, and white Voices smile, laugh, holding me tight to the ground I’ll survive Let me be- I’m not going outside Where the butterflies fly too far away to be seen Over the green.
I don’t like good people, they don’t feel what they say feel They’ll never give up their candy for children to eat They flit and shine as the world crumbles down to obey their will Buries me down, brown under their feet Hear me beg, cry, I know defeat- it’s alright I’ll survive Let me be- I’m not going outside Where the butterflies fly too far away to be seen Over the green.
Stick to the underside, shrug it off for the final time Spit out the silk line and follow it home.
I don’t like feeling that your brain is in this same building I’ll blank my my mind as I stare at a big empty screen A bag of chips and a diet coke; that’s all I need now You can poke, prod, urge me to live You can stare, scratch tell that that I must forgive I’ll survive Let me be, I’m not going alive
I will fight, bite, leave me alone Here to die, fly, I’m going home- it’s alright I’ll survive In a way, I’m already outside Where the butterflies fly too far away to be seen Over the green.
You were sweet, you were good
Picking up the coins that they dropped
Trying to give them back just like you should
Fall fall fall fall fall fall fall fall
Fall fall fall fall fall through a hole
Nobody knows, nobody knows where you go
There was a hole inside your bone
it made it easier to be alone
cause you could fly
or at least you could try.
Strange ideas knock on your door
You tell them nobody’s home, but you not sure
Is it your mother there dressed like a hag
Maybe a brick of gold deep in her bag
Turn turn turn turn turn turn turn turn
Turn turn turn turn turn to the sky
People say they find the answers there
or at least they die dying to try
There a hole inside your bone
the strangest things come inside when you’re alone
and you would tell them all to leave you alone
but you don’t know which ones belong-
Where is your home?
Heart-shaped footprints deep in the snow
Step by step up the mountain side, places you will never go
Cause you were born born born born born like a birdy to fly
or at least you were born born born born dying to try
sweet things sing with tulip voices
electro shock you have no choices
animals walk in a strange parade
inside your head: what feathery dream are made
a soothing sound deep in your ear
says don’t tell a soul dear- this will be your year
you’ve waded through hate, you’ve waded through fear
now just wait for the rainbow to appear
fade fade fade fade fade fade into night
dreams invade invade your brain
filling it with good and bad light
There is a hole inside your bone
it makes it easier to be alone
cause you can fly
or at least you can try.
It looks like I succeeded in writing a relatively happy song that doesn’t include death or murder, but still, somehow bones managed to work their way into it. I really do wish I could write a song without mentioning bones, but apparently I can’t. Before bones, it was ice and people dying from hypothermia. Why the obsession with uncuddly white things? I don’t know, but hopefully I will grow out of it.
I have been learning a little bit about bones recently- dinosaur bones. I was trying to celebrate the dullest time of year (I mean that as a complement) by learning about the most boring thing I could imagine, which for me was dinosaurs. But I have to say, once I knew a little more about them, they no longer seemed so boring. What I like most about them is how they opened my mind to larger cycles of time- deep time, as paleontologists call it. It’s a refreshing antidote to the “shallow time” perspective of our culture, which encourages us to see each decade as a major historical epoch.
Bone to Bone
People say you are the dark one
dim and dusty, cold and hard one
dry and scaly skin
blood so sour and thin
draw the curtains and let our time begin
Bone to bone now
in a dark room
press your forehead to mine
let the world resume
let them stick to their ways
I will come out changed
I will speak my mind and I
won’t care what they say
People tell me you’re a creep
you tell me people are sheep
I believe you will outlast them
watching from your mountain so steep
Your room so dark and blue
the whole world is a shadow to you
your bones they bear the lines of
every tooth that sank into you
Claw marks across your arm
why did they mean you harm?
you with a spine so straight that I
I cling to your arm
Outside the winds derange, but I
I will come out changed
I can feel your bones upon me now
so cold and so strange
Let the vinegar spill out
let it roll down your chin
let me hear your blackest words now
let your long long story begin
Nights in the jungle survived
you are the one who came out alive
dipped in blood you walked back home
so thin but swollen with pride
Your blood in my veins, I
I will come out changed
I will laugh at all of their words
I won’t care what they
Your hand on my hand now I
I can see through your eyes
all the chains were only shadows
all the flags were only their lies
The imprint of your bones
like an angel to follow me home
you will always be beside me
blood to blood and bone to bone.
This song was created through the confluence of two streams in my mind. On the one hand, I was thinking about Christmas, and how happy I am for winter to be coming. It’s not even Thanksgiving yet, but I’ve already had my fill of accommodating autumn and am now craving the stern precision of winter. I can’t wait to fill my home with bundles of puritanical pine branches and portraits of scowling santas.
The second stream of thought that produced this song is so taboo I should probably not even mention it. But here it goes. I was thinking about… White People. The White Race. It is weird, I am afraid to even say White People. Although considering the racial genocides that have gone on since the beginning of history, perhaps it is not weird that our society would prefer to blot out concepts of race altogether. Still, how can I think about ice, snow, and Christmas without white people entering my mind? Some think humans turned white in the first place from spending so much time in frosty, northern climates, deprived of warmth and sunshine. In a way, white people are the children of ice and snow. Or more precisely the descendants of giant white man who is made of ice and snow himself, although he turns green in the spring. He is a severe man and you don’t want to end up on his bad side…
Through the Christmas Tree
Follow me through the Christmas tree inside a silver ring and I’ll stay with you, my whole life through I’ll never ask for anything
Seasons go, we’ll watch them flow through windows of ice see the people die; they always cry so surprised to pay the price
Snowflakes fall, they form a wall that cradles us inside where we’ll drink our tea, you’ll stay with me, couldn’t we be satisfied
Snowflakes fall, they form a wall but that’s the price we pay to be hard and strong and never wrong to never falter never fade
When the white man comes you can know he will not leave you dry-eyed (fly away when you have the chance) Gold or silver, only you can decide (better not to join his dance)
Shaky wrists, glassy eyes your mind starts to slide filled with fantasies, christmas trees, dreaming of the world outside
Tall and proud, men say out loud that pain is divine but I’ve seen it slice, a blade of ice they clench their teeth; they change their mind
When the white man comes you can know he will not leave you dry-eyed (fly away when you have the chance) Gold or silver, only you can decide (better not to join his dance)
Distant dreams of earthly things take on a golden glow how the valleys shine; they fill with wine they draw you to the world below
Where I once found you red, almost dead stripped of all your rings lying weak and poor upon my floor you who wanted everything
You’re all alone now, nothing changes Snow blows and it rearranges Time froze into winter cages Try to settle in.
Cold air through an empty earhole Brain cried its last tears so many years ago Fur hat is a symbol of a world that’s never been.
But you hear stories of cinnamon cloves Fingers thawing over ovens and stoves Copper kettle that whistles and blows Dogs that wag their tails when you walk in.
Dream World, sleeps in a box at night Seed World, hidden from every light Need world, nothing to do but hang on.
Dream World, why can’t I breathe? Because you’re in the ground; it has things that you need, But love is all around; you’re only a seed so hang on.
Night falls when nobody sees you Might be death when nobody needs you Limbs freeze when nobody feels you Life continues on.
The spring will come, yes, but not for me I’m sure Streams that freeze won’t bubble anymore Ice glued to a frozen door won’t welcome anyone.
But you’ll hear stories of cinnamon cloves Clouds of licorice clinging to clothes Sun shining over tea towels and doughs Arms of baking bread when you walk in.
Dream world, sleeps in a box at night Seed world, hidden from every light Need world, nothing to do but hang on.
Dream world, why can’t I breathe? Because you’re in the ground; it has things that you need But love is all around, you’re only a seed so hang on.
Brains shut down and spirits die Souls dry up when they never cry But hearts keep beating cause they know the answers lie in time.
Dreams sleep in the frozen ground Pink dots lost in a world of brown They can’t be seen or make a sound but their ears are open wide
And they hear stories of cinnamon cloves Candies smothered in ribbons and bows Flowers blooming in well tended rows Arms that squeeze so tight when you walk in.
Dream world, sleeps in a box at night Seed world, hidden from every light Need world, nothing to do but hang on.
Dream world, why can’t I breathe? Because you’re in the ground, it has things that you need, But love is all around; you’re only a seed so hang on.
