I feel like I am trapped in a man’s body. Not my physical body, but like there is a giant man around me, a crusty man suit, which I must wear to deal with the outside world. It is so heavy. But I need to act like a man so people can understand me. Men do not understand women, in my experience. You must put everything in manguage so they can hear it. If you want to seem intelligent you must seem heavy & thick. Women can understand you regardless, but I must be a man around them as well, because women need men, and I feel responsible for taking care of them.
It would feel selfish not to be a man. Lift heavy logs, stroke egos, be boring & responsible. This is my moral programming. Above all- be crusty. My feminine self doesn’t even want to be nice to people- it would prefer people being nice to me. My man self doesn’t care how it is treated though. You can break giant logs over his head and it will not deter him from trying to care for you.
My feminine self does not understand the things people say. People seem to talk in puffy word clouds, with their words having no specific meaning. Men do this especially. They puff out words & the words have that intelligent aura, but when you try to boil them down, you cannot find anything specific they are saying at all! I don’t know how to process that.
Most of the concepts people throw around mean nothing to me- love, compassion, forgiveness, goodness, kindness, equality… what are these things? Once again, they feel like clouds, positively charged, commonly used to obscure something nasty. They evoke fear in me. When you see empty positivity, you can be certain its opposite- tangible negativity- is not far behind. Why do people blow these words around? Do people wake up in the morning thinking “Equality. Compassion. Heal the World?” Or are these concepts only used when others are listening?
I don’t understand books either, though I try. I open them to a random page, read the first sentence, and realize this will be unbearable. I can tolerate children’s books- so long as there are no morals involved- and also simple autobiographies- so long as they aren’t written by writers. I detest the puffy way writers write. I guess I have real issues regarding words.
Though I wish I could be real around people, I can’t. My real self is needy, weak, pathetic. Semi-retarded. The opposite of what anyone needs. I must be peoples Knight in Shining Armor. I must protect them and be the one to take bullets. I must lift heavy logs & then retreat back into the woods with a sporty whistle. The lesbian lumberjack. It is so lonely though. There is too much of me and too little of anyone else.
But also there is none of me and too much of everyone else.
Technically there are other people in my life but they feel… predictable. They rarely say or do anything I could not have thought of myself. I wish people were more surprising and could open doors to new realities. I wish books could do the same, but I can’t find these books.
Of course, I mostly connect with others in a mental fashion. In physical life, I bet people are surprising. Robbing banks, anal sexing their cousins…
But the mental realm tends towards dullness. It may be the average person just doesn’t have much to say beyond recirculating group mind concepts. Talk to a few people & it can feel as though you have talked to them all.
Perhaps emotional relationships are the answer. What does this mean though? I think the essence of emotion is to give of yourself. To take a risk. To make a sacrifice. There must be some transfer of bodily fluids, at least on a symbolic level, or relationships are pointless. Social media does not make this easy though. In many cases you have no idea who you are interacting with and just opening up a vein does not seem advised. In real life, exchanging fluids is now illegal since it spreads disease.
Nonetheless there is something about giving of oneself, in a meaningful way, that magically opens the door between people enabling you to see through their eyes and know things you could never have known. I am not sure if words alone can do this. I guess that is why people used to sacrifice animals to the Divine- spilling living fluid to open up a portal beyond what prayer can do.
I am glad we don’t sacrifice animals anymore, but still the principle applies. Blood, sweat, tears, something liquid must spill or else nothing truly new can ever break through into this world.
Category: Earth, Pink, Mothers, Love
One disturbing trend I have noticed recently is the re-emergence of the word Karen after a few months of lying low.
The first time I heard this word it gave me chills, despite it’s mild exterior. It raises so many questions.
Why- at a time when speech is being suppressed left and right- do we need a slur for people who want to talk to the manager (aka someone willing to question authority)?
Why is this slur directed at the sex which generally has the hardest time being assertive to begin with?
Why did they choose a name that sounds so much like Caring? Why did they choose a mother of eight to be the face of this slur?
Why are slurs being invented to specifically target white women at the exact time when using slurs against other groups will cost you your job and reputation?
Is it a coincidence that this slur came to prominence right before mandatory masking & social distancing began? First you are shamed for being voicy, then measures are taken which make it physically difficult to have one. Now you can only communicate through social media- and they clamp down harder on free speech everyday.
If there was ever a time we needed women who care enough to speak out, it would be now.
And still it is peculiar that they choose to target females. Why? I think there are several reasons…
1. Women are probably more suggestive and susceptible to shaming.
2. Women are the primary communicators of the human race. Men generally take bold action *after* a period of females expressing dissatisfaction with the status quo. Women are birds who control the flow of information through the group mind.
3. If you can get men to start using the word Karen & denigrating women with voices then BAM their balls fall off. Because it seems to me that displaying some degree of gallantry* towards women is necessary for men to access their full masculine powers. So by getting men to sneer at ‘Karens’ you have managed to emasculate men & muzzle women in one swoop.
* I would like to clarify what I mean about gallantry since it has, in my mind, two divergent meanings. One form of gallantry is when men court women in a flowery fashion. This is frequently accompanied by anger if women do not respond in the desired way or conduct themselves in a manner that men consider feminine.
What I mean by gallantry is closer to tolerance. I believe men should give women a long leash to be themselves & speak their minds despite the fact that it may cause men discomfort. The fact that women are weaker than men makes them more sensitive instruments. They know things men can’t know & perceive things men can’t perceive. Without the unfiltered insights of women, it seems doubtful that men can achieve true wisdom.
Women need this intersex communication as well, because men’s minds seem to have extra connection points to physical reality which enable them to turn perceptions & nebulous things into practical courses of action.
And the key to this process is men being manly enough to be able to take women in their unfiltered state. The true danger to a man is not a Karen, but a woman who plays to his ego, causing it to swell with infected pus. Other than this flattery based trickery, men don’t generally have much to fear from women. So why NOT let women exist outside of man made judgments? This may be the only thing which prevents men from boring themselves to death.
So please, in conclusion, may all humans recognize the role of women as the birds & barometers of the human race & refuse to take part in shaming them into a deadly silence.
To adore me you must
Go before me
Build a path for me.
Laying stones down you
Must prepare the ground
Build a home for me.
Remember when you fall so far
Remember I was there for you to give you something more
Softly touch me we’re no place now- this is just a dream.
Fingers through your skin- you were never just a friend
We are family.
Looking your eyes
All the lies
Beautiful to me.
You say you won’t hurt me no more
Well what else are friends for?
Someone to believe.
Remember when you fall so hard
Remember I was there for you, always safe and warm.
Softly touch me we’re no place now- this is just a dream.
Fingers through your skin- you were never just a friend.
We are family.
Closing my eyes, I
See it all unfurl
I know how it ends.
Dark things fly towards me
Still you walk before me
Vanish round the bend.
And all the stars that beg for you
To sparkle in your time.
Remember I was there for you
Second in the line.
Softly touch me we’re no place now- this is just a dream.
Fingers through your skin- you were never just a friend
We are family.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUhqhYV67UM
I haven’t been able to write much recently, because something has made me non-verbal. I am worried about what is going on with the government & the worldwide response to corona virus which seems blown so far out of proportion from our normal responses to disease and death, that it is hard not to fear something nefarious is going on.
I also feel distressed that some seem to revel in the shutdowns. I suppose my faith in humanity tends to wax and wane and right now it is at a waning point. During the waning times, it is harder to speak, because what is the point in speaking if there are no sincere people to hear you?
I was expecting things to grow darker this spring as Neptune moved into the third and darkest phase of Pisces. In the second phase, which we have been living through for the past 4-5 years, the public grows infantile & self-serving, emotional & out of touch with reality. The good part is that it is a time when people are too lazy & pathetic to do much damage.
But in the third phase of Pisces, that changes. Now Pisces begins to pick up force and momentum, yet it is still insane, like a person whose body has woken up while their mind remains dreaming. The last time Neptune passed through Pisces’s third phase was when the civil war began.
So it is hard for me to look at what is happening, the words which don’t make since, the explanations which always morph and never add up, without fearing that something scary could be afoot.
Perhaps though, this is simply Neptune in Pisces’ third phase playing its tricks on my mind. Neptune colors our perceptions of life and in its third phase can fill us with irrational fear. Perhaps that is why it is so easy for people to be respond to corona virus with a level of horror they have never shown for far more dangerous diseases.
Anyway, let’s hope for the best and that we soon return to the old ways. Let’s hope this does not result in a permanent restriction of our freedoms. Let’s hope it never dampens our desire to mix and get dirty with other humans.
Here are the lyrics:
When I don’t listen you hold a pillow over my face til I do.
That’s why I don’t think you will ever love me now- you’ll find somebody new.
And I swear I wouldn’t care so long as you felt it was wrong
to just grab me by the neck and throw me up against a wall
but when i ask you bout it you tell me that you don’t want to pop
but the crying noise just has to stop.
Sometimes I close my eyes and see a world that’s black with men as white as stars.
Just like a globe that I could shake and shake each time that things have gone too far.
Something I could hold just like a globe inside my hands
So I shake it and I shake it- oh look here comes a man
But he is trapped inside the globe- he’s only one inch high
There is no place to run and hide.
Give it just a little more time. This may only be in your mind.
There’s no way to say what is real and what is make believe you know.
Look at all the stars in the sky, girl. You could find a way to get high, girl.
You could fly away into a state of ecstasy and glee you know.
I know I will stay.
Life- lay your hand on me and guide me on my way.
I stay up late at night and make a list of ways to make you love me more.
I know it won’t succeed cause men they only love the ones they’re fighting for.
And I’d do anything on earth if you would fall in love with me
But there are things I can’t control, I don’t know what you want to see.
The only thing I know for sure is that you like to be alone
But either way, you are my home.
Also please realize there are bits of paper everywhere because Patton is in a phase where he shreds paper at every opportunity. Thank you.
Recently I have been too busy painting everything I own green to post much on here. I am always convinced there is one color who is my knight in shining armor & can make everything better and maybe it is green. I will let you know how it works out!
You came to me just like the sky
Gave me a box and it was filled with only time
Don’t wanna have to say it; don’t wanna feel the pain at all
But you know it was never there at all.
Flowing away- I watch you go
I was prepared- I know the ways that life can go
Don’t wanna have to say it; don’t wanna feel the pain at all
But you know if was never there at all.
Burning me to the ground now
Scatter the dust around now
Into the wind I fly, I feel you there surrounding me.
Enter in the rains to brings me down
Luminous hands from all around
You are the sky- you hold me in, you press me down, you keep me.
Reach for a life within your sky
I know that I’m a bird and I can truly fly
Don’t wanna have to say it; don’t wanna play the game at all
But you know it was never real at all.
Pushing me down upon the stones
Making me strong within the bones
It’s not a dream- I fight the mud, I dig the dirt, this is my home.
Watching all the blood flow on the ground
Luminous red within the brown
It’s not a dream- you are the sky, you press me down, you keep me.
I came to you because of need
I came to you because you’d teach me how to bleed
And I’ll be the one to say it, and I’ll be the one to take the fall
But you know it was never real at all.
Download MP3: The Sky
When I don’t listen you hold a pillow over my face til I do.
That’s why I don’t think you will ever love me now- you’ll find somebody new.
And I swear I wouldn’t care so long as you felt it was wrong
to just grab me by the neck and throw me up against a wall
but when i ask you bout it you tell me that you don’t want to pop
but the crying noise just has to stop.
Sometimes I close my eyes and see a world that’s black with men as white as stars.
Just like a globe that I could shake and shake each time that things have gone too far.
Something I could hold just like a globe inside my hands
So I shake it and I shake it- oh look here comes a man
But he is trapped inside the globe- he’s only one inch high
There is no place to run and hide.
Give it just a little more time. This may only be in your mind.
There’s no way to say what is real and what is make believe you know.
Look at all the stars in the sky, girl. You could find a way to get high, girl.
You could fly away into a state of ecstasy and glee you know.
I know I will stay.
Life- lay your hand on me and guide me on my way.
I stay up late at night and make a list of ways to make you love me more.
I know it won’t succeed cause men they only love the ones they’re fighting for.
And I’d do anything on earth if you would fall in love with me
But there are things I can’t control, I don’t know what you want to see.
The only thing I know for sure is that you like to be alone
But either way, you are my home.
Download Mp3: My Home
Take my hand but take it slowly
Let it grow just like a lowly
Bean towards a grain of light
Let it be so small and hidden
Mixed into the air, forbidden
With my mind alone I might
Fallen in the green where you wait around for me
Fallen in between with your hand upon my knee
Kidneys shrink inside the darkness
I know I must stay regardless
Gonna do the best I can
Lay my hand down when he makes me
I alone must save or break me
This I swear I understand
Still I feel a cold like a shadow in my ear
It’s that sound again and I wonder if you’re near
No nothing’s wrong, I told myself
I would be strong but I let it slip away.
Hey did you say the only way to get there is to fall
Tumble to the day?
Hands go limp just like a baby
Sun breaks through the glass and maybe
You alone could make me smile
Life moves on then like a train
To crash and clatter in my brain, but please
Could you stay with me awhile?
Its that gold again, something warm against my ear
Sun is pouring in and it feels as though you’re near
No nothing’s wrong, I told myself
I would be strong but I let it slip away
Hey would you say the only way to get there is to fall
Tumble to the day?
Feel you breathing, how could I?
There’s no one here but I
Feel your hands upon my face
Feel you standing square and solid
Heavy arms upon me I…
Now I feel a sense of place
If you found me there, if there was a way to meet me
Could I follow you, no I could never take your hand completely
No nothing’s wrong, I told myself
I would be strong but I let it slip away.
Hey did you say the only way to get there is to fall
Tumble to the day?
Download Tumble to the Day
Well hello, blog post. I told you I would turn to you as a friend when there are no physical friends to be found. So here I am. How much can I confide in you, I don’t know. My life has been a toggle between transparency and invisibility. I don’t know the right place to draw the line. Sharing yourself can feel icky, but living incognito can be dangerous, making it that much easier for someone to lock you in their basement without anyone noticing.
Although I have written a lot of blog posts, they are usually from my brain, the only part of the body that can be safely shared. I guess that is why we have art, to share those parts of ourselves which are taboo to put into plain words.
I am trying to start drinking alcohol. Maybe it will provide a space for me to connect with those parts of myself that have no home in daily life. You are not supposed to drink alone, however, so maybe I will drink with you. I am fairly intoxicated right now, and it is making me cry to realize how homeless my feelings have become. Life is playing a role to please others and maintain harmony. Survival depends upon it.
In my case, my role is easy. Nobody expects anything of me. My only task is to have no desires, no emotions, and be mildly happy all the time. To never want or need anything. To be okay with constant stillness & isolation, to never need fun or adventure beyond a monthly trip to Walmart. To never be chaotic or make unexpected noises. Basically, to be a librarian.
But I can’t take it anymore. The pressure is building up and I feel like a kernel of corn who can’t stop himself from blowing. I want to get on the bus and just go somewhere. But where? The only place I can think of is the library. And I hate libraries. All those thick boring books with their gray waves. It feels like being surrounded by stones. It is hard for me to stay conscious in a library for more than a few minutes.
I want to be surrounded by a different type of wave. Bright waves. Fun waves. Romantic waves. The waves of adventure and boldness. No more sleepy, snoozy, waves filling the air 24/7.
But my horoscope predicts this state of affairs (caused by Neptune-the planet of insane asylums- afflicting my domestic realm) will continue for another 10 months. So far it has lasted for 2 years. So what do I do? Continue to bang my head against the wall in a vain effort to change what can’t be changed? Yes. I think that is what I will do.
As I mentioned before, the circumstances causing me to go insane is living alone with my husband who works from home, but sleeps through the day while working at night. To make matters worse, when he isn’t working or sleeping, he likes to lie down by himself in a dark room to think. He says this is the most important part of his work, and I’m sure he is right, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am going insane. He is the sort of person who never really needs to have fun or let loose, and while I admire this about him, it doesn’t change the fact that I am going nuts.
He doesn’t understand though, how I can be impacted by his actions when we are separate people. If he chooses to spend all sunlit hours lying horizontal in the darkness, what does that have to do with me? How can it possibly impact my state of mind? To me, however, the impact is self-evident. Wouldn’t anyone notice a difference between living in a circus versus a cemetery? A sunny day versus a cloudy one? Doesn’t everyone need to be cheered by the vital presence of others every now and then?
And now I am breaking another taboo by mentioning James. You are allowed to talk about yourself, but you can’t talk about anyone else, which basically means you can’t really talk about yourself either. Relationship issues are private and must be worked out in secret between the two people, which basically means they can’t be worked out at all. There is always someone with less power in a relationship, isn’t there? And for them the privacy of marriage only turns it into a death trap.
Maybe it would be better if relationships were opened up for public scrutiny, at least to some extent. On the other hand, everyone needs a secret garden where their inner self can live away from prying eyes. And that is what the domestic realm is supposed to be. So I do value the gag order placed on discussing domestic problems even though I am breaking it.
But I shouldn’t do that. So instead I will do the right thing. Swallow deeply, smile bigly and turn to magic for the answers. The one friend who has been there for man since the beginning of time, his secrets taught to us through our best friends- the grains. The staffs of life.
You filled my mind up with gold
Until my mind I gave away
Hidden nights, filled with spite
Left me numb in my left leg
But that’s life- I never wanted to be anyone’s wife.
Even breath, even life
People throw these things away
Even breath, even dreams,
More than this you’ll sacrifice just to stay.
You gotta move now, nothing is real
Into the woods now, we’ll make a deal
In the footprints of a runaway, you’ll find gold.
In the footprints of a runaway, you’ll find gold.
Why are you still talking to me?
Take this fucking eggs away
Black inside, black inside
So many things you have to hide just to stay.
You gotta move now, nothing is real
Into the woods now, we’ll make a deal
In the footprints of a runaway, you’ll find gold.
In the footprints of a runaway, you’ll find gold.
Grey figures surround me now
Dangling there by a string.
Soft voices slip under the door
To talk about everything.
Shadows of the leaves at night
Things we’ll never rise above
Plants upon the window pane
All the simple things I came here to love.
You gotta move now, nothing is real
Into the woods now, we’ll make a deal
In the footprints of a runaway, you’ll find gold.
In the footprints of a runaway, you’ll find gold.
Father, I need to sit.
There’s all of this blood down here- nobody will tell me what it is.
Father, what is the time?
There’s all of this blood down here- nobody will tell me if it’s mine.
You built a tower in my heart just like a paradise
I laid me back to watch so warm in the sand.
Clouds flew above me light flashing out of their eagle eyes
Now I can feel those cold things starting again.
Father, where are my hands?
I need to touch my eyes- something tells me they are hurting me again
Father, am I lying in bed?
Why are the curtains drawn? What is this thing upon my head?
You built a tower in a tower in my heart just like a paradise
I laid me back to watch so safe in the sand.
Sun shimmered on my body like I was a pegasi
But now I can feel those cold things starting again.
Father, why are the curtains drawn?
So many things to do. I can’t remain in here too long.
Father, I need to ask
Of all the things you’ve done, which ones are the ones that you’d take back?
You built a world around my heart just like a paradise
I laid me back to watch so safe in your hand.
Cities they swirled around me like they was a race of lights
But now I can feel those cold things dripping again.
All of the men in the world lined up side by side.
A bundle of twigs they wait for the flame.
Dance by the fire and you will realize.
A burning twig will never feel the pain.
Download MP3: Paradise