Sexual desires & fantasies share the symbolic language of dreams. They are chock full of information, but not usually to be taken literally. I divide them into two main categories:
1. Generative Fantasies. Generative Fantasies lead you *towards* something that is supposed in your life. The most obvious example is feeling lust towards the person you are meant to marry.
Other sorts of Generative Fantasies:
Decoys. A Decoy is an object of desire designed to lead you into another world. Perhaps you lust after a person who lives in another country and this compels you to travel there. Perhaps they are part of a club or social circle you are meant to join and they draw you towards it like a magnet. Maybe they live in a fantasy world that you are also meant to inhabit. In any case, once the decoy successfully draws you into this new world, your attraction to them should cease.
Mirrors: A Mirror reflects a piece of yourself or your destiny that you need to pick up. Perhaps they are rich and pompous and you are meant to become that way. Perhaps they are a professional clown and you are meant to be one too. Once a person internalizes the relevant aspects of the Mirror, the magnetic pull of the individual should cease.
2. Degenerative Fantasies: Degenerative Fantasies are based on wounds from the distant or recent past. They have a compulsive quality and can be destructive to pursue, since they lead straight into the darkness one is trying to escape. In general, they are designed to release negative feelings like shame, anger, fear, sadness, humiliation, weakness, dirtiness etc. Degenerative Fantasies can be triggered by current events that peel the skin from old wounds.
The key to navigating these fantasies is recognizing that they do not reflect a desire, but rather an anti-desire. They are a desperate urge to release an inner demon. If examined carefully, a person will find that the stimulating aspect of these fantasies is an exact replica of the feeling or trauma they are trying to release- though possibly in a symbolic form. Once a person gets to the bottom of this message, the desires should release.
*
And then of course, there is regular sexuality based on reality and not fantasy, but I would feel like a pervert discussing that.
All I really want to convey is that sexual desires & fantasies are no product of biology, but rather messages from the spirit world (in the case of generative fantasies) or (in the case of degenerative fantasies) messages from the subconscious.
Following your footprints through the checkerboard of night Guided like a lantern by the moon’s uncertain light Oh I…. an animal that bleeds for you Oh I… a spirit of the air.
Once I crossed the checkerboard to find a golden ring
Hidden like a promise in the pocket of a king
To the line where only pines remain
All the men afraid to kill had dropped out of the game.
First a flame appeared upon the ocean
Then a message flashed upon the wall
Please don’t tell me nothing has been broken
That’s just to say it was never there at all.
Walking through the dark world where the moon still rules the sky Everything I wanted came & then left me behind Oh I… a spirit seeking blood from you Oh I… a spirit of the air.
Shadow of a sword appears within a silver creek
Could it be a knight and not another king I seek?
Someone who can bring the blood from everywhere
Spreading it like glory through my hair.
First a flame appears upon the ocean
Then a message flashed upon the wall
Please don’t tell me nothing has been broken
That’s just to say it was never there at all.
You were strong & wealthy & your made me feel alive
Everyone was made to kneel; I never had to hide
Oh I… an animal that lived with in your shoe
All the golden dreams I had they came from you.
First a silver light falls on the ocean
Silver men line up against the wall
Please don’t tell me nothing has been broken
That’s just to say it was never there at all.
Every time I write a song I go through a predictable process.
First, there are days of anxiety where I wait for the right moment to ask James for help with recording & uploading. Due to his odd hours & catastrophic stress levels, days or weeks may pass before I get up the nerve to ask him. He likes to help me, of course, but I still feel guilty asking for his time when he is always run ragged & juggling grenades.
(The past 2 years he has mostly been in the cryptocurrency field. If you like trading cryptocurrencies, visit his site: www.whalewarz.com)
Eventually, I get the song posted. Then I enter a fog. Who am I? What am I doing with my life? Within a day or two, the fog leads to a new obsession that I am sure will be the answer to everything. The obsession lasts for a few days or maybe weeks. Then I enter another fog. What the hell have I been doing? Sometimes I can hardly remember. Why did I paint everything green? What was I hoping to accomplish?
At this point, I return to being my regular self, tail between my legs. The self who doesn’t need to control the universe, but just wants to collect pink things & scented soaps. Maybe write an occasional song.
I am going through that second fog right now- where the obsession lifts and I wonder what I have been doing. This last obsession was with reading books on magic written prior to the 1700s. And while it was somewhat interesting, eventually the patterns of the books began to clash with the patterns of my brain until I just didn’t feel like myself anymore.
The books were what I would call “occult.” Which (to me) means harnessing spiritual powers to create change on earth. The occult has masculine, religious overtones that don’t sit right in my stomach. Fathers, hierarchies, magic squares, solemnity & robes- these are the things that belong to men.
Then there is witchcraft, of course, but I am not womanly enough for that. Long flowing dresses, pools of naked women, bubbling cauldrons, turning men into frogs- witchcraft is only for earth mothers or lesbian teenagers.
Luckily, I believe that between the higher world of celestial magic and the lower* world of earth powers, there is a third world where magic resides. A world so ordinary it does not appear magical at all. Maybe I will tell you about it sometime. But right now I have to cook dinner. I hope all is well in your secret existence.
A shopping spree from when I thought orange was the answer to everything. (But still could not help picking up some browns, since I have this obsession with brown despite the two of us having nothing in common.)
A shopping spree from when I thought green was the answer to everything. But, once again, I could not resist grabbing a few brown bowls as well due to the funny feeling they give me.
Since James is asleep and I need someone to talk to, I have decided to spill my mind on you, my wise and invisible friend.
As I mentioned before, I used to begin each day with “ESP Journaling” which entailed drawing pictures of the colored balls that were (psychically) pelting me. Each ball represented a thought, emotion, or intention coming towards me or James from someone else.
As I started to get more traffic on my website, though, the number of balls grew and blended until eventually it just felt like a wall of fire surrounding my head. So I stopped the whole ESP journal thing because the energy felt too overwhelming to break apart. ESP is easiest when you are dealing with a small amount of information.
Today though, I decided to put on my purple necklace and ESP journal again, just for old times sake.
Let me share with you how it is done.
1. First, I scan my body to find the areas most under attack. Generally, this is my head. If, for example, I have recently posted something political on Facebook, my head will get bombarded. This has held me back from public sharing on many occasions, since balls to the head can be quite distracting, and -what is worse- draw your attention away from more vital interactions taking place lower in the body.
Other common ‘attack sites’ are the heart, stomach and sexual organs. The heart is generally linked to betrayal, affection, manipulation, and people trying to get stuff from you. Stomach attacks seem to relate to professional competition (people rarely direct these at me, but I pick up the ones sent to my husband.)
The sexual organs, unsurprisingly, link to sex. Sexual ESP is a world unto itself, and hopefully I will write about it at length in the future. For now, I will just say that it has radically transformed my view of life- and not for the better. I am still trying to dig beneath conventional understandings of sex though, to understand what the energy is all about. I feel like it is the key to something huge.
2. Next, I use my hands to determine the color of the energy and what it is doing. The color part is easy. Understanding what the color is doing, though, is more confusing and sometimes ties my brain in knots. The color can be moving towards you, away from you, hiding behind another color, slithering two ways at once through a metal tube, etc.
If, for example, someone is intentionally ignoring you, you will see a ball filled with color, but the color will be moving away from you to the far side of the ball. If someone is hiding something from you, the color will hide behind a gray field. If they are hiding something from themselves (trying to be unconscious of it) the color will hide behind a clear field.
Sometimes I will see clear fields coming from James when he doesn’t want me to ESP him. Unfortunately, the clear field only attracts my attention and then it is quite easy to peak behind it.
3. Next, I check to see who the energy is coming from. This can be obvious, if it is James or someone I am familiar with. But -to my own surprise- even when it is a stranger I can usually make out their gender, hair color, age range and body type. Still, to get this information I have to squint my eyes, which can feel uncomfortable, so I sometimes skip this step out of laziness.
Keep in mind that most of these balls are not revealing fascinating secrets, but rather mundane information. If someone argues with James on Twitter, for example, they will show up as a ball. In fact, there may even be a ball for each individual tweet. So once you do this enough, you start to lose your patience for squeezing your brain just to determine the hair color of the dude James tweeted at.
4. Finally, I see what other information I can glean from the balls. Generally, this is nothing more than the basic emotion being emitted. If- however- it is an area of fascination- relating to love or secrets for example- then I will sometimes look hard enough to see images forming in the colors.
But generally, I don’t take it this far, because there are so many balls to cover that I have to keep moving. I normally do my journal for about an hour and in that time can only cover a fraction of the balls available. Because every little thing that does or doesn’t happen in this world leaves a ball behind.
Of course, it isn’t just balls. Other things I might draw in my journal include:
Mind overlaps. This occurs when someone is thinking about you to the extent that their mind overlaps yours and you can’t think your own thoughts. I don’t know if anyone can overlap anyone else’s mind at will, or if there have to be pre-existing conditions in place.
Rectangle ghosts. I wrote about these before. It is my name for when a person’s whole energy system overlaps your body at once. I mostly experienced these when I did astrology readings for people, and it is the main reason I stopped. The good part is you can get a lot of information about a person. The bad part is being filled with thoughts, feelings and urges that make no sense and can sometimes be painful or destructive. Of course, once you realize it is just someone else’s rectangle ghost you gain some amount of control over the situation.
Poles & Barbs: Poles are used to control people and barbs are used to injure. I mostly see poles on the head and barbs at the heart.
People Balls: In addition to balls representing thoughts and emotions, there is a more stable set of balls which represent the various people in your life. These balls tend to stay in the same place and remain the same color. When they do change position or color, you know something has changed in the relationship. The balls of those you are look up to appear above your head, while the balls of those you relate to as children appear beneath the shoulders.
You will also see lines coming off these balls, which show the other people each person is connecting to. So, people with whom you have no personal relationship are still showing up in your aura, just by being connected to the same people as you. These balls and lines together look a lot like drawings of molecules.
* Okay, thanks for listening, friend. Sometimes I feel isolated- as though I am living in my own world. But now that you have read this, it is a world that we share. You are a ball in my mind, and I am a ball in yours.
Random page from ESP Journal. Generally I would do maybe 3 or 4 pages like this a day & it would still be a tiny fraction of everything I could have drawn.
Sometimes when things get X rated I switch to a code to preserve the chastity of all involved. Since I am kind of paranoid when it comes to secrets, the code doesn’t translate directly into a specific language. Sometimes I can’t even read it myself, since I change the language up over time. All names are blurred except for James’s, since he told me not to. He thinks I should be more transparent & less secretive.
Definitely, I would say this is the song that describes me most, except that I have never thought of myself as green, except for maybe one short year, when I was trying to get in touch with the spirit of music, and I figured it was somewhere in between the colors blue & green, so I gave away all my pink & white things to trade them in for blue & green ones.
I even wore a stretchy blue teddy bear sweater on my head as a hat. I was very poor and it was on clearance for $1, so I just hoped no would would notice the little sleeves. I also tried to eat as much black licorice as possible & scent everything with anise & fennel, which seemed to me (along with lilac) to be the most musical scents, due to their twisted nature.
Music is a twisty sort of thing that connects what is real to what isn’t. Like an affirmation in reverse, music is a channel through which bad things can exit reality. You should never sing about anything good, because you might spin it out of existence.
Music expands our reality in a horizontal direction. It can’t connect us to upper or lower realms, but rather opens the door to realities that are parallel to our own. I think of these as the etheric worlds- where beings similar to the ones in storybooks live. Beings who are eternal, amoral and tied in to the same physical reality as us. Especially those semi-transparent humanoid beings who are around 4 feet high.
But none of this relates to this song, which was written more recently and not during that blue & green time. It was a song I heard while sleeping, which turned out to be the time of a lunar eclipse, which makes sense, given its silvery feeling. I don’t think of the moon as being only silver though, but also green since it turns everything into goo, just like the primordial green ooze that the world came out of.
Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in primordial ooze and struggling to come up for a breath of crisp air.
*
The moon a crescent in the sky
The world a carpet down below
He came to place me on the ferris wheel
His face a shadow in the show.
Green. Green.
Pull back the curtain and you’ll find
An empty room that know one knows
Shake your head and climb the ferris wheel
This is the world that you will come to know.
Green. Green.
I thought the flowers they would one day, one day
I thought the leaves and trees would one day call me home.
You take my hand just like a leaf
You show my foot just where to go
You help me climb upon the ferris wheel
You point down at the world below.
Green. Green.
Mostly, I think it is a really bad idea to include photographs of husbands. Not to mention that James values his invisibility. And yet… for the sake of context, I feel he needs to make a yearly appearance. After all, most of my adult years my identity has been that of a wife (to him + a previous husband) & not so much an individual.
But of course, I am trying to defy nature by changing that which is just one reason why including any photographs of James is a bad idea.
I am posting this here, because it is my resolution & I need to remember it at all costs:
I must never be nice to any men or give them complements.
Not that I am going to be mean to them either. The goal is to be neutral and if I need a subject to talk about, I will talk about how awesome I am.
Because men are computers and kind words are milk that gum them up. Because men are dogs and complements register as signs of submission and inferiority.
Good men don’t want to be coddled anyway. Men don’t take bubble baths to relax. Generally, they can only relax through murdering something, in one form or another. Why waste precious milk on beings who don’t need it?
Not only will niceness corrode the character of good men, it also signals to bad men that you are available for mistreatment.
But this will be hard. Not being nice is probably the hardest thing for females to do. It may be physically impossible.
I am going to try, though, as an experiment. I can only pray Heaven will loan me the balls to follow through. If it works, and I have finally discovered the secret to men, I will let you know.
But let’s face it, I will never be able to follow through. I can already feel complements welling up in my mind. Women are programmed to sacrifice self for others and there is nothing we can do about it.
And, fwiw, when I compared men to dogs, I didn’t mean it as an insult. I really like dogs. Just like men. They are amazing.
“Take Me Home Country Roads,” though somewhat accurate (the dark & dusky part), also leaves people with the mistaken impression that this is a home sweet home goody goody golden biscuit sort of place, which- except for the biscuit part- it isn’t. It is the least goody goody square place I have ever seen.
West Virginia is a weird combination of things that are too earthy to be human, and things that are too spiritual to be human with not much to flesh out the middle parts. Being neither earthy, nor particularly spiritual myself, I don’t relate to many elements of life here. Still, I recognize it as a nurturing environment- like a womb- where a person can focus on growing into themselves, rather than running around chasing after shiny things.
Plus, I like its purple & gray mists. It is one of those rare places where, in the battle between nature and man, nature is winning. Living here forces you to seek a life beyond human games and human prizes. It is a true land of opportunity where you can grow in any direction you wish and there is not much to stop you. Unless, of course, you need an organized grid of human structures and expectations to help you function. Then you are screwed. This is a world where you have to bring your own yellow.
Can you see how this place is nice but also different from an office space?
Life
may not be real
Pikey what a thing to say
you know that you weren’t raised that way
And yet
sometimes I fear
God has left me so alone
a million miles from any home
To walk a road that has no end
The golden hay lies beyond the bend.
But why would we break?
Why would we cry?
In the end it’s only pain
we’ve known it in so many ways
I know
she felt it too
Remember her, that little bird
so soft we never heard a word
A hint of pink behind the door
and in the end a pile of feathers on the floor
Pikey, you know it won’t be long
Take my hand, I can feel their eyes
descending from the bluest skies
My gun
My iron bar
Life remember I was your friend
I knew that you had no end
Your fields were filled with golden hay
Three clouds they fly above then slowly drift away.
