My recording machine broke & I don’t know what to do about that so at the moment I am just gonna record songs on my phone as videos cuz I don’t know what else to do.
Don’t be sad you’re never alone. Take my hand why would you say that now? Cause you could only love me when I was gone. Close my eyes I try to fight it but I Something inside me knows where you go
Daylight comes I wait for the change Wrap your golden arms around me why Could you only love me when I was strange? Laugh and smile I try to hide it but I Something inside me knows where you go
So I’ll try to run away It’s the hardest thing to do I want to cling to you tell you all the things That you don’t care about
But if I decide to stay Just to watch you slip away And all the while the orange Bleeding out.
You don’t come and then come the moon. So he fall like fire upon me but why Could you only love me when I was new? Drag myself towards the mirror help me Something inside me knows where you go
Look around you now you see so many new horizons Fallen far into a circle sky of blue. With his body on you like a mountain falls and rises And his mouth become the river rolling through.
But look again- there’s a star that always rises Flying high over an ocean filled with blue. And will you swear cause I heard them say A day will come when he returns for you.
With the shadows falling how his hair curls like an injun And the sweat is burning paths upon his face. But you dread when this will end to leave you in suspension Walking circles in a dark and foreign place.
But look again- there’s a star that always rises Flying high over an ocean filled with blue. And will you swear cause I heard them say A day will come when he returns for you.
Please don’t hurt me. Say you won’t hurt me. Please don’t no matter what I do.
Will you say you won’t hurt me? Never desert me? Although I break you black and blue?
Could you climb up the hill? Could you climb it at night? To the air where it’s higher than stars? That’s where you’ll find a world that’s ours.
But look again- there’s a star that always rises Flying high over an ocean filled with blue. And will you swear that you love me cause A day will come when he returns for you.
Summer is over. I feel so sad. It was beautiful, all the green and sun melting everything down. I gave myself those three months to live as an idiotic welfare queen while adjusting to single life. Summer is all about hearts and love. I wish it could last forever.
But now comes the fall. A time for brains and being serious. Its color will be blue. I’m afraid I won’t cut it in this crisp new world. Only 9 months until the women’s shelter stops paying for my home. I need good ideas to enter my brain, but they don’t.
I haven’t crisped yet. I’m trying but the sun is still hot and yellow, melting brains down and hearts feel like fire. The sky is so blue, the EBT cupcakes so delicious. Everything green and frothy. I want to roll in the grass like a pig.
The world is a green paradise but beneath it a dark soil of fear, pain and panic. I bat it down with stress gummies & cough syrup. I say “It is what it is” when disturbing thoughts enter. This locks them in a magical box. I can’t face life head on yet. I’m not safe.
And until I get smart I won’t be safe. I need to think clearly and formulate a plan. But life is a bowl of puzzles and I can’t solve one of them. The second I use my brain I start to cry. I feel like my initial goal of becoming a millionaire this fall is not going to happen.
So I’m choosing a smaller goal. To become a good communicator and learn how to clearly express my needs and desires. To express my will. Which is hard because I’m not always sure if I have one.
When you’re a wife, you don’t need a will. Being willess is almost an asset since it gives you increased flexibility like a body with no bones. But then fate dumps you on the streets and you are expected to have a will. A will as strong as any man’s. People don’t realize wills can’t pop up overnight like a forest.
The only time I am sure of my will is when I am hungry or in extreme pain. Cause I have the will to survive. But even then speaking up on behalf of myself feels like sticking my hand in a blender. I am terrified of displeasing the people around me. This isn’t the same as wanting people to like me. I’m willing to be hated to give the people what they want. Cause sometimes they want a bad guy. They would generally prefer to keep the good guy role for themselves.
Wanting to please & wanting to live up to social expectations are two different worlds. People are rarely in the mood to admire someone. More commonly they need someone to feel superior to. This is where I excel.
I’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember. Throwing myself under the bus to appease a hot spot in someone else’s psyche. If a friend needed to feel fast, I’d pretend to be slow. I’d lose contests on purpose so the other person could win. I’d perform horribly in plays so someone special in the audience could have the satisfaction of knowing I sucked. I don’t know why. Its just this feeling of terror that I can only be safe by giving people what they want.
I have my finger in the undercurrent of every dynamic. It makes me act strange because those undercurrents are intense. They are made up of things people don’t want to acknowledge. When you touch them they cause weird things to leap out of your mouth as though you are possessed. Like a touching a wire. But I need to release that underlying pressure to feel safe. If there is an undercurrent of anger I try to be the person it can be released upon. Then things feel safe again.
I don’t know how to stop doing this. So I’ll put that puzzle back in the bowl for now. And focus on the immediate task. To clearly express my needs and the desires to the extent that I am aware of them. Even when it seems certain to lead to pain and disaster. Perhaps as I express these bits of will, larger chunks of will will start drifting into my consciousness.
Every morning I’ll tell myself that as I speak up for myself, new doors open for me.
Two blue stones that I’ll keep in my pocket. I hope they teach me how to express myself.Hillbilly diamonds found on a sidewalk. I hope they’ll make me rich.Vines climb a barbed wire fence. I wish I could climb it too and reach those lights on the other side.
Mama I ain’t gonna lie. I gone done bad things.Feeding bits of stick to ducks at night. Summer is so woozy. But you don’t see the bad part. I got here on a motorcycle. Somebody help me.
High as dust and I’m walking home Try to breath but I’m never gonna get it right. Cuz I know that when I get home then I’m all alone To face another spooky night.
I know. People tell me everything come and go. People tell me everything’s far then near no fear my dear Was is will be but they don’t get it.
Please get to the part where you hurt me. Please get to the part where you break me down and cry.
In the day you can act that way Like its all okay and nothings gonna cut me. Smile and drink like you never think Like you never feel and nothings gonna drag you home.
Midnight crawling on the graves in the moonlight Wait for him to tell you goodbye You’d cry but you’re just too high Then the open sky fall down upon you.
Please get to the part where you hurt me. Please get to the part where you break me down and cry.
So many skies What are those things that move whenever I open my eyes? So many dreams I need to find a world where I can be weak so I try to breath but I can’t find it.
Please get to the part where you hurt me. Please get to the part where you take me down and cry.
Nighttime is the right time for a game Make a move and then you wait if he feels the same So you float like a ghost in his car Ride up to the mountain top to watch a falling star
Close your eyes and feel the stream A world that enters like a dream His arm around you all you feel His other hand upon the wheel
Then all the stars come rolling down the river So far not bad. Til all the pain will come rolling down his fingers But maybe it will be okay if you don’t make him mad.
So you drink like a fish in his bar Laughter shimmer all around you can feel the golden fire When it floats like a song through your brain Look into his eyes again if he feels the same
But all the stories that you know The roads and places where they go A hill at night that you cant climb A tree that you cant hide behind
Then all the stars come rolling down the river So far not bad. Til all the pain will come rolling down his fingers Maybe it will be okay if you don’t make him mad.
Push me back onto my feet Where life can bring so many things I know No where to belong.
Push me back onto the wall I wont need you catch me when I fall Water on my own.
What I feel is calm What I feel is slow Push me to the wall Down onto the floor
Step inside the ring Push me to the side What I feel is you What I do is hide.
Close your eyes or go to sleep One million ways to never feel a thing Do you want to take that ride?
Close your eyes then find a way Another world is never far away Just three cuts and then you fly.
What I feel is calm What I feel is slow Push me to the wall Down onto the floor
Step inside the ring Push me to the side What I feel is you What I do is hide.
Push me back onto my feet Where life can bring so many things I go Moving through the crowd.
Lost inside I’ll find a way One million ways to never see the day Turn your eyes onto the ground. What I feel is calm What I feel is slow Push me to the wall Feel the water flow
Step inside the ring Push me to the side What I feel is you What I do is hide.
Pictures come just like a dream Then fade I don’t know what I should believe Were you really there at all?
Were you there when I was down? Were you the one carried me to ground? Water for a home.
What I feel is calm What I feel is slow Push me to the wall Down onto the floor
Step inside the ring Push me to the side What I feel is you What I do is hide.
Backing up for full chaos view. Being single really does feel like being bombarded by winds in a world with no gravity. Thats the worst part. People focus a lot on how they are treated in relationships but the thing is that regardless of how you are treated, loyalty to someone else is a gift you give yourself, since it centers, condenses & focuses your energy.
To be pulled in all directions simultaneously, with no one thing having greater or lesser claim on you is disorienting.
Maybe if I had more money then I could enjoy blowing in the wind b/c I wouldn’t fear being dashed upon rocks at any moment. I may have gotten my income up to $500 a month however, due to having a second gig each week.
Maybe the air is blowing me in the right direction and in the end it will all be okay. My plan for being single had been to paint little signs with flowers & bible verses and hang them everywhere. To make God my replacement husband & gravity center. But the reality is too chaotic for that.
And also, although God is superior to a husband in the sense of being all powerful, all knowing & perfect, he is inferior because you have to use your own brain to connect with him and my brain is too overwhelmed already. There is no space to associate with more beings of the sky.
