Month: May 2023

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Uncategorized Writings

Rise of the Triple-Saint

Well it turns out double-saintdom is not all its cracked up to be. Enter the triple-saint.

The triple saint is a defensive position; flower turning into bud. The goal of the triple saint is to avoid feeling angry or hurt in situations that would rightfully make you so in the hopes of neutralizing a degenerative cycle.

Because no matter how much we talk up assertiveness, the reality is that assertiveness will sometimes get you killed. People are naturally going to advocate for themselves when it’s safe to do so. But sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes you have to bend over & take it without getting broke on the inside. The triple saint is lubed and ready.

The triple saint is for when appeals to sympathy have fallen on deaf ears. You are overpowered, not human, and communication is pointless. You’re in a banana court for a crime you didn’t commit. People want you to swing. Why? Cause they took your money & if you die they don’t have to pay you back. The triple saint is for when you are the scapegoat.

Unlike the double saint, the triple saint has given up on being a pleasing mist. She knows all efforts to appease our futile. She is a pawn and the script has already been written. She is irredeemable & must be sacrificed.

The triple saint is caught in a backwards spiral. This is a relationship dynamic in which the more you give, the more you end up in debt. An example would be a hooker who works 7 days a week but owes her pimp so much money she can’t leave.

In a backwards spiral, you are always guilty, so you compensate by trying to give more, care more, cater more & pay closer attention to someone else so they will stop feeling wronged by you.

But no matter how you try, you just make things worse. All your efforts are either zeroes or strikes against you. And if you ever feel that this is unjust & try to defend yourself, well now you’re on trial for that. Guilty. Of hurting the other person by defending yourself. Guilty. Of being hurt by their actions. Guilty for how you made them feel, for what you made them do.

Backwards spirals occur when there is a power imbalance to begin with so confronting the other person will not succeed. Imagine a slave confronting their master. Any confrontation is a mark against you. Any complaint a grave injustice.

The path of the triple saint involves three steps which are simple but difficult to perform.

  1. Stop Giving. This is most important.

    You must turn off the flow of giving that you rely on to feel safe. To feel in control and hopeful that you might turn things around.

    The triple saint must stop believing she can change people by loving them. Perhaps this works with plants, animals and babies but it doesn’t with men. Why? I don’t know. My theory is that God designed life in part to sharpen our wits. He doesn’t want us to be potatoes getting everything we want with hugs & smiles. And so he made darkness & men & the law of the jungle was born.

    Anyway, here are the reasons you must stop giving…

    a) To give up the dream that you can change people with love. So long as you see yourself as the cause and controller of other people’s behavior you cannot see them clearly. Without seeing your environment clearly, it is impossible to make wise choices.

    b) Giving entangles you. You cannot truly feel great about constantly giving to someone who mistreats you. So you will end up feeling upset. This will eventually leak or explode out and become evidence of what a bad person you were all along.

    c) Giving entangles you. You cannot truly feel happy about giving to someone who mistreats you. You will want them to change & will eventually express this in some form. This will make them feel controlled.

    c) Giving entangles you. The more you give the more you are associated with the person’s problems. The problems you are trying to solve. So when blame comes down the pipe, you will be the first one hit.

    d) Giving places you in the parent role. Whatever unresolved parent issues he has will be placed onto you. He starts expecting you to be responsible for everything, including his feelings. And at the same time you will be unappreciated and invisible as a person in your own right. Like a mom. You are a source of support and a place to dump negativity.

    e) When you become the parent, he becomes the child. It’s not safe for men to regress into childlike roles, dues to their natural aggression which needs to be controlled through a sense of personal responsibility.

    f) Men are rewards driven. When you give in response to bad behavior, you incentivize it. If you try to heal pain, you incentivize pain. If you cater to mental illness, you incentivize insanity.

    g) Giving is a drug that eases anxiety. Until you stop, you won’t really know what feelings you are running away from or be able to address them.

    f) Giving depletes your resources. And you are going to need them. Maybe you can’t stop the attacks, but you can be strong when they occur.

  2. Give to yourself. Maybe you are the person you can actually change.

    You probably fear you will be attacked if you invest in yourself. Maybe you will be. But you will be attacked anyway. Investing in yourself will make you stronger, more able to withstand, and a less appealing target.

    Men- unlike women- never treat people well for being nice. They respect power. Having more of it is your best hope for good treatment.

    And even if it doesn’t change how you are treated it gives you more options.

    Giving to yourself can mean different things. What holes do you have that you are hoping this man will fill? Can you fill them yourself?

    Are you seeking romantic feelings? Touch? Money? Friendship? A garbage man? Someone to compliment your eyes your thighs? If you can figure out what you are needing you can start trying to resolve your own neediness. Use your energy to fill your own holes. Stop trying to fill his holes. They might not be what you think they are anyway, since men tend to hide their true needs & feelings while projecting out false vulnerabilities for their enemies to strike.

    If you are with him for sex, buy a vibrator. Money, get a job. Self-esteem, start praising yourself. Romance, buy scented candles & lie under a flower bush.

  3. Lastly, what should the triple saint do when attacked? Don’t fight back or defend. Their goal is for you to be bad. They have more power than you or you wouldn’t be here. Any battle is a loss for you.

    See attacks as weather. A cold breeze is touching you. A piece of hail falls on your head. Take shelter or curl into a ball but don’t fight. There’s nothing to fight. What’s happening has nothing to do with you. It hurts so bad to be powerless to change things, powerless to make things better. It hurts to have love withdrawn after you have made all life choices around the idea it would always be there. But saints were born to hurt. Just hold on to the idea that there is another world where you are loved. A perfect world. Rest there silently until the storm passes.


Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Uncategorized Writings

The Way of the Double Saint

What is a double saint? Is it someone who performs twice as many good deeds as a regular saint?

No. The problem with regular saints is they push themselves too hard. To serve. To be good. They strive. And so pressure builds up inside. One day they blow and to prison they go. This is what we call the saint paradox.

The double saint seeks to avoid this paradox by striving less, but also being less at the same time. When you are nothing, you don’t annoy people as much. Then it takes fewer good deeds to repay them for tolerating your existence.

In this post I will assume you want to become a double saint to get along better with a man. If not, adjust accordingly.

Here is the path of the double-saint.

  1. In all things think vapor. You are no longer a person. You are a vapor. Always ask yourself “What would a vapor do in this situation?”
  2. Speak less or not at all. A vapor listens and absorbs.
  3. If you do speak, make it short, light and pleasing. Even praise should not be heavy handed. Coming on strong- even in a positive sense- requires the other person to be aware of your presence, which is taxing to their mind. Just one dandelion puff of uplifting words will do the trick.
  4. Never question, criticize, disagree or weigh in on any subject unless asked. Why would a vapor do this? If you are in a car with a man who is driving off a cliff, you go off the cliff too. Wordlessly. You are a vapor. You will be fine.
  5. Do nice things for the man. However do not strain yourself doing nice things or you will reach the saint’s paradox. Do nice things you enjoy doing, so that you don’t need him to notice or appreciate them. Needing to be appreciated would be a tax. The double saint strives to be completely untaxing and always relaxing.
  6. Remove standards & expectations. A double saint must not only avoid putting pressure on the man, she must remain unpressurized herself. Do not hold him to any standards and if this makes it difficult to uphold standards yourself then let them blow away.

    Do not become saintly by performing a mega house cleaning. Become double saintly by not caring. Once again this prevents the build up of emotional pressure that will eventually cause you to express yourself.

    7. Be pleased by pleasing yourself. If men see you are pleased, they will take credit for it and be happy. If you tell them how to please you they will feel bossed. So learn how to please yourself in all ways while crediting your happiness to him.

    8. Release objective reality. The double saint must never expect another person’s words to align with objective reality. Do not feel tangled up when words are false, nonsensical, self-contradictory etc. Just hear words as clouds of modern poetry beholden to neither rhyme nor reason. What is a word, but a tiny bird that a cloud once thought they might have heard? In this way you float gently through skies of lies without being tangled in a single knot.


    Are you getting the idea? The saint strives, feels like the man isn’t holding up his side of the bargain & gets frustrated. She expresses this & ends up in the hospital. The double saint doesn’t care what the man does. She is able to not care by remaining in a non-pressurized state. She is able to be non-pressurized by removing expectations & activities that pressurize her.

    Is a double-saint the same as a slacker? Not at all. To remain a vapor requires great discipline. She twas loose as a goose when they slipped on the noose. She received all abuse while remaining diffuse. Tho she lacks the vigor of the regular saint & is unlikely to slay dragons, her strength lies in equanimity. She knows her soul is immortal and therefore no problem will be the end of her.

    And what does the double saint do when treated unjustly? What if she is yelled at, blamed or punished for a crime she didn’t commit? How can she avoid that natural emotion of anger or the desire to stand up for herself which she must avoid at all cost? What if she is stolen from, betrayed, raped and beaten, how does she retain her vaporous personality even then?

    This is a tough one and I don’t know the answer. Just recognize that no one can be perfectly saintly, much less double-saintly. Try stress gummies, vallium and- in cases of verbal attack- attempt to discreetly cover your ears. If this is impossible, write down the words and turn them into a rhyme.

    Why are you so dumb, you stupid cunt?
    When in yonder field the falcons doth hunt?

    Feel better now?
Categories
Blue, Black, Silver, Water, Moons, Death & Ghosts Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story Writings

Hollowing Out

The scariest thing is when you love someone but slowly they begin to hate you and you don’t know why and so you try harder but you can’t be good enough and day by day they start to read more and more sinister motives into your actions until eventually you are an evil psychopath and there is nothing you can do about it. But you still love them. And you want them to love you. But you can’t control their perceptions. You don’t know why after basing your life around them you are morphing uncontrollably into this dark and sinister figure in their mind. And they treat you accordingly. Punishing you for the bad things you’ve done. And you want them to love you. They aren’t just a part of your life, they are your whole life.

And anything that goes wrong it is because of you. All negative feelings they have are because of you. If they don’t get out of bed, if they don’t have a clear head, it is because you did that to them. You are the essence of everything evil. But you want them to love you. And you don’t want to get help even if you need it because if you do they will hate you for making them look bad. But they already hate you. And you don’t know why. And you want to change it but you can’t.

And other women are good. They are deep and insightful. He tries to get them to open up. He tells you you aren’t allowed to talk. You are the essence of everything evil. But you just want him to love you. You would do anything if you could make him love you again. But you can’t.

You try every piece of advice. The problem is you are too boring, so you try to be interesting. But you aren’t. Because you don’t even exist except when something goes wrong. When something feels wrong. When there is a memory of wrongs long ago. Then you are the cause. The problem is you aren’t respectful. So you try not to have opinions and to always agree. Mental submission is the easy part.

The hard part is when he tells other women he loves them. If you find this behavior hurtful he says you are deranged. It is just a game. A game that you started. Other women don’t get upset when their husbands tell other women they love them. They wouldn’t scream or cry! Look at you! Have you looked in the mirror? You do this because you are an angry person. You are evil. You threaten people. He is scared of you.

And I could endure anything if I felt he truly loved me. Violence, poverty, insanity, I don’t care. But if they don’t even love you, then what was the point of it all? You give everything you can think of to give, always coming up with new things but in the end you are just the cause of their problems. Someone else is wonderful. She is so deep. He knows this because she doesn’t say much, just responds LOL to everything he types. How can she pack so much meaning into a few letters? Because she is good. You are bad. She is caring. You are a psychopath.

He tells her this. That you play games. She says wow you really need to get out of there. He doesn’t say what these games are that you play. If you knew what they were you would try to stop playing them. And you can’t ask him what they are because you aren’t allowed to ask questions. It is one of the rules. Meanwhile he tells her, “You know you can ask me anything you want.” She is allowed to ask him questions because she isn’t evil. But she doesn’t have any question to ask him. LOL.

You keep thinking of what you can do to change the situation, to turn things around. But he’s already told her he doesn’t love you, he’s just with you to have access to his computers. He’s just with you until the trial is over. You make him dinner. He eats it and leaves angrily. You wonder if he is reading this. If he is he won’t like the way he is portrayed and will never love you again.

But how can you make him love you again? You tried magic, prayer, cooking, cleaning, praising, listening, silence, obedience, jumping at any chance to be helpful although mostly he just wants you to leave him alone except for when he needs you to listen to him tell you about the bad things you’ve done. You got upset. That messed up his chemicals. It jacked up his cortisol and took away his dopamine and now he can’t work. Because of you. Two days later, seven days later his brain chemistry is still off. All because you got upset because he told another woman he loved her. He told you not to look through his stuff!

You tell him your love language is words and ask if he could say something nice to you sometime. You wait. You try phrasing it in a different way, making sure not to apply any pressure. Instead he asks her what her love language is. He tells her how pretty she is. Mesmerizing.

But he tells you it is just a game. In reality he thinks she has a pedosmile. She reminds him of his mother. You don’t know what to think.

You always felt his mother had a desire to interfere in your marriage even though she is dead. But this is probably too far out to blog about. No one will understand. Back before you became a psychopath he might have listened to you when you said something like that. Maybe. Bur you have learned not to bring those things up. You are a liar. A gaslighter.

And all you wish is that he would come back and that you could be good again and he could love you. And you could help him with whatever he is dealing with. And he could treat you with respect and affection. Because you have the house. The two dogs. The possessions you are now selling off to pay the electricity bill. It was all part of a dream of love and security. But writing this will make him look bad. Maybe you are a fucking psychopath.

You warned him about this three years ago. That he would start projecting dark things onto you. That he would be attracted to dark women who represented the worst parts of him. That he could go to jail. You had a dream about it. But his perspective is different. You aren’t the one who tried to warn him. You are the one who made it all happen. You are pure hatred.

And all I wish is that James would come back. There is just this feeling in my chest & I want him to hold me even though he never really does that anymore. I don’t know what I did wrong.

Categories
Astrology Charleston, West Virginia Writings

My Question

One thing I think about a lot is how to combat various influences in your life.

Some transits, for example, will bring in a lot of dark energy. Others aggressive red energy. Others uplifting delusions that lead to your doom. What is the best way of handling this?

In theory, you could harness this energy for a successful outcome. Use the red energy to become a fireman. The dark energy to become a detective. But what about when the energy is coming from outside sources…. someone is screaming at you, someone is trying to murder you? Will becoming a fireman really help?

Let’s say for example, you are having a Mars transit causing clash and conflict in relationships. In my experience, if you try to become more assertive at this time it will blow up in your face. You are cranking up the heat on a situation that is already too hot.

Same as trying to become more spiritual under a Neptune influence. You are already too deluded. If you try to become more spiritual you just end up in white robes with a dick in your mouth. You could even go insane.

I’ve experienced this a lot with dark Pluto transits. I’ll tell myself maybe Pluto is fucking with me because I’m not black enough. This line of thought stems from when I lived in New England. They really hated fire there and yet their houses were always burning down. So I assumed fire was getting revenge on them for not embracing it. But maybe I was wrong & the houses were just burning due to being hundreds of years old or people needing insurance money.

But regardless, this led me to try adding black energy when Pluto got too scary in the hopes this would pacify him. Which always led to disaster. Violence, injuries, being scapegoated & generally ass raped which is Pluto’s signature move. Things got scarier. No matter how much I liked the idea in theory it didn’t work in practice.

Applying opposite energies seems to work better. You can cut down on anger & aggression during Mars transits if you stick to colors like blue and green, while avoiding red hots at all costs. But sometimes this gives me a little bit of FOMO. Sure, I am dodging a bullet but am I also missing a once in a lifetime chance to become a fireman?

I don’t know. Some people think air conditioning is an appropriate response to hot & humid summers while others think it is better to eat chile peppers & bake in the sun to acclimate yourself. Who is right & who is wrong? I worry about this every day.

But one thing is sure. In a crisis, when suffering from heat stroke, AC, shade & water are better than building a bonfire. At least until the immediate threat passes.

So perhaps when assaulted by darkness it is better to go to church & become a saint rather than buy a cauldron.

I’m not sure. I am currently being assaulted by darkness so I will try the “Become a Saint” approach & let you know how it goes. If you don’t hear from me again, you will know it didn’t go well.

Adding black was not the answer.
Adding black was not the answer.
But what is the answer?
Becoming a saint.
Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Earth, Pink, Mothers, Love Music & Songs Red, Soldiers, & Fire Videos

Like a String (Video)



Like a piece of string dangling in something you wrote
Hanging there on a chair in the darkness and oh
Feel the clouds rushing in and I start to feel hazy

So I think about you like a drink in my mind
Stir it round pour it down and im wondering why
With your eyes to the side make me feel like I’m crazy

With your hair and the palm of your hand
If you wanted to I could believe.
All the things that nobody can teach you
You learn when you’re down on your knees.

You were lost in a world where the pieces don’t fit
Break a bottle in anger and stare at the bits
Beams of light on the stage casting diamonds so dreamy

Break a piece of a candle to hold in your mind
Your whole face is a mask no one knows what’s behind
But for now hold it down in the darkness we’re dreaming

There it stood open three feet between us
A whole world that nobody knew.
Close my eyes, maybe I could be dreaming
Cause sometimes I feel so confused.

When we step on the stage then we step in the war
My mind breaks I don’t know how to think anymore
Crumple down to the ground where the red lights are beaming

Say you won’t hurt me, the palm of your hand
If you wanted to I could believe.
All those things that we promise
To hold in the darkness where no one can see.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Red, Soldiers, & Fire Videos

Like a Slave (Video)

(Originally published February 4, 2023 then lost in server crash & resurrected on this day.)

Since I am currently having a Saturn transit I am torn between my desire to crawl under a rock and that voice which tells you you must always press forward so I’m just going to publish this then go hide.

Cold tea, dance with me
Give me something more to eat
Hold my head & help me find the sun.

Red fire, warm & bright
Stay with me for one more night
Tomorrow we go pay for what we’ve done.

You are my red eye by & by
You are my fire come from the sky
Now take my head & tell me what I need to know this time.

Like a slave
I was placed on earth to follow.
Like a dog, put down when I’m wrong.
But I won’t break at a jagged fate to swallow
You just play; I sing along.

Words spin round and round
Only sky where was the ground?
Leave my house you dirty cunt I’m done.

Fist eye, hot head fly
Falling down the stairs was I
Hold my head & tell me I was fun.

You are my best friend by & by
You are my fire come from the sky
Now take my head and tell me what I need to know this time.

Like a slave
I was placed on earth to follow.
Like a dog, put down when I’m wrong.
But I won’t break at a jagged fate to swallow
You just play; I sing along.

Come to me love like a bone
The only love I’ve ever known
A spark of light then miles and miles of dark.

Burning hands and sparkly eyes
And miles and miles away the skies
To settle down around around us in the park.

Like a slave
I was placed on earth to follow.
Like a dog, put down when I’m wrong.
But I won’t break at a jagged fate to swallow
You just play; I sing along.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Red, Soldiers, & Fire

Like A Slave

(Originally published February 15th 2023 then lost in server crash.)

Basically this is the audio to the video I just uploaded because I’m too lazy to do another recording. Well not too lazy exactly. Can I just rant for one minute?

Imagine you are a straight male musician & you love writing songs. But every time you write a song you are required to get fucked up the ass, beat up by three muscle men & left on the side of the highway to walk home.

That is how I feel because every time I write a song- which I like- I then have to record it which I hate. I hate wires and machines and weird pieces of black plastic. I hate computer interfaces filled with random squiggles. I have no idea what anything means. And just the mechanical nature of sound itself. Why is this staticy? Why do I sound a million miles away? I don’t know!! It all feels….. beyond what humans are meant to know. It makes me want to cry.

But now I must stop complaining. And remember the words of my friends.

Thorney: Inch by inch, it becomes a cinch.

Moxy: To every problem, there is a practical solution.

Dad/Nietzche: That which does not kill you makes you stronger.

Dad/Schwarzennegger: No pain no gain.

Dad: Bend over and grab your ankles.

Cold tea, dance with me
Give me something more to eat
Hold my head & help me find the sun.

Red fire, warm & bright
Stay with me for one more night
Tomorrow we go pay for what we’ve done.

You are my red eye by & by
You are my fire come from the sky
Now take my head & tell me what I need to know this time.

Like a slave
I was placed on earth to follow.
Like a dog, put down when I’m wrong.
But I won’t break at a jagged fate to swallow
You just play; I sing along.

Words spin round and round
Only sky where was the ground?
Leave my house you dirty cunt I’m done.

Fist eye, hot head fly
Falling down the stairs was I
Hold my head & tell me I was fun.

You are my best friend by & by
You are my fire come from the sky
Now take my head and tell me what I need to know this time.

Like a slave
I was placed on earth to follow.
Like a dog, put down when I’m wrong.
But I won’t break at a jagged fate to swallow
You just play; I sing along.

Come to me love like a bone
The only love I’ve ever known
A spark of light then miles and miles of dark.

Burning hands and sparkly eyes
And miles and miles away the skies
To settle down around around us in the park.

Like a slave
I was placed on earth to follow.
Like a dog, put down when I’m wrong.
But I won’t break at a jagged fate to swallow
You just play; I sing along.

Like a SlaveDownload
Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Red, Soldiers, & Fire Sky Blue, Ether, Flags, and Fairies Videos

Invisibility (Video)

(Originally published February 17, 2023 before server crash.)

They came on clouds to comfort me
Lay down they said
I close my eyes now, I close my eyes now
They said one day they’d ride with me
We’ll fly so far- invisibility.

Play play another game for they don’t know
What may be coming down the line
Lay out the cards or they won’t go
So sure the king would come this time.

One man was fire, one man was rain
What mad desire
I close my eyes now, I close my eyes now
Between the two, which one should I believe?
I trusted fire the more- invisibility.

Play play another game for they don’t know
What may be coming down the line
Lay out the cards or they won’t go
So sure the king would come this time.

And so fire came to get down on one knee
And gift me pain
I close my eyes now, I close my eyes now
For I know that I was made to suffer and to bleed
Hurt me more, invisibility.

Play play another game for they don’t know
What may be coming down the line
Lay out the cards or they won’t go
So sure the king would come this time.

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia Music & Songs Red, Soldiers, & Fire

Invisibility

(Recovered file from February 28, 2023 after website crashed…. still haven’t figured out how to get music back in.)

They came on clouds to comfort me
Lay down, they said
I close my eyes now, I close my eyes now
They said one day they’d ride with me
We’ll fly so far- invisibility.

Pla,y play another game for they don’t know
What may be coming down the line
Lay out the cards again or they won’t go
So sure the king would come this time.

One man was fire, one man was rain
What mad desire
I close my eyes now, I close my eyes now
Between the two, which one should I believe?
I trusted fire the more- invisibility.

Play, play another game for they don’t know
What may be coming down the line
Lay out the cards or they won’t go
So sure the king would come this time.

And so fire got down upon one knee
To gift me pain
I close my eyes now, I close my eyes now
For I know that I was made to suffer and to bleed
Hurt me more, invisibility.

Play, play another game for they don’t know
What may be coming down the line
Lay out the cards or they won’t go
So sure the king would come this time.

InvisibilityDownload

Categories
Charleston, West Virginia My Life Story Writings

help*

(This post was written March 1st 2023 but lost due to server problems then recovered thanks to way back machine.)

I don’t know what to do. I am so stressed out. I am trapped in a crevice with nowhere to go and I can’t endure the crevice any longer. I can’t talk about the crevice either because there is an upcoming trial in which I am a witness. I could write in my journal or talk to the nice shrink the government gave me but at the end of the day telling her my thoughts and feelings doesn’t change anything. I already know what I think and feel. I just don’t know what to do or how to endure. I don’t see any practical solutions. And I’m too anxious to pray cause when you are anxious and try to send out your thoughts they just spiral back down onto you. And to be real about it, it was my faith in God that got me into this trouble in the first place. So I don’t know what to do. If I stay in my current position, I will lose my mind. Imagine if every time you spoke the people around you started shrieking like chickens then swirled around in circles collapsing on the floor where they shook and screamed “Why did you do this to me? Why did you do this to me?” over and over. And you don’t know what you’ve done. How long can a person live like that and not go insane? I feel like I’m trapped in the Queen of Heart’s court in Wonderland. And I can’t even talk about it. Except vaguely like this.

No matter what I do I am always bad. There is always very complicated reasoning as to why I have done something wrong. So you just start recessing more and more. But no matter how recessed you become it doesn’t matter. Now your whispers count as screams and one wrong word makes you a murderer. So you try harder. You try different things. But every step you take is just one more crime you’re guilty of.

Somehow I ended up at a Wikipedia page about psychological manipulation and it had a list of traits that the recipients of manipulation generally share. It was like reading an exact description of my personality.

Naïveté or immaturityPeople who find it too hard to accept the idea that some people are cunning, devious and ruthless or are “in denial” if they are being taken advantage of.[17]
Over-agreeablenessPeople who are too willing to give another the benefit of the doubt and see their side of things.[17]
Low self-esteemPeople who struggle with self-doubting, lacking in confidence and assertiveness, and who are likely to go on the defensive too easily.[17]
Over-intellectualizationPeople who try too hard to understand and believe others have some understandable reason to be manipulative.[17]
Emotional dependencyPeople who have a submissive or dependent personality. The more emotionally dependent a person is, the more vulnerable they are to being exploited and manipulated.[17]

I’ve always had the hardest time accepting that someone could truly be lying or acting in a devious manner. I don’t know why. And if I am close to people I tend to believe anything they say without question. Even if I know for an absolute fact that it is untrue, something in me still believes. I’ve always struggled to have confidence in my own perceptions, instead I let other’s words override them. I will bend my mind into a pretzel trying to make sense of what people say, no matter how self-contradictory or flying in the face of reality their words may be, and I have always been emotionally & physically dependent on others to a humiliating degree.

So I guess this is a chance for me to learn how to trust in my own perceptions. Do I believe the person who says I am hurting them when I’m pretty sure I’m not or who says I am screaming when I’m pretty sure my voice is room temperature? Objectively I know what is true, I just don’t know how to have faith in my own mind. My faith automatically goes to believing what I am told. Unless you have this problem yourself, I fear it won’t make much sense.

Another big problem is my need to be good, which is used like a cattle prod to control me and force me into situations of increasing powerlessness. If you assert yourself, you are bad. You can get screamed at, but if you scream back you are bad. You must treat other people’s emotions like Golden Kings to be worshiped while ignoring your own or you are bad. You must swallow the words you are fed no matter how little sense they make or you are bad. You must accept that you are bad or you are bad. You must accept that other people weren’t hurting you, you were hurting them, or you are bad. You must believe what you are told or you are bad. Because if you don’t accept the words that are thrown at you you will see those around you crumple on the floor shrieking “LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!!!! LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!!!” Now you can see how bad you are with your own eyes.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to hold my mind together. When it gets bad I can hardly sing, clean or function at all. I can rarely think or plan. The thing that helps is complete detachment. But once again, this triggers my issues with being”bad” because it is bad not to care. You are supposed to care about other people.

And I WANT to care. It’s just that it becomes the rope that is used to strangle me.



* I just realized that titling this help sounds bad, like I am playing the victim. Anyway, don’t worry I will think of something.

** I was just walking and panicking cause my arms have started to shake probably due to nerves because I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel…. it feels like the road leads off a cliff. And having the shakes is making it harder to perform basic tasks causing me to panic even more. Anyway, just when I was about to break down I saw this on the corner of a sidewalk.

It felt like a sign, because I see teddy bears as being one form that angels take. It’s like no matter how alone you feel there are always more beings watching and ready to help you than you could ever realize.