I think my claim to fame is being the least practical person who spends the most time obsessing over how to be practical. 65% of the dialogues in my brain go something like this…
“Fuck. Shit. I’m one step away from being homeless! What should I do?”
“Something practical!”
“Like what? Jump off a bridge? I can’t live in a homeless shelter full of fleas!”
“Well how tall would the bridge need to be?”
“I don’t know!”
“Google it!”
“If I google it, will google alert the cops and then they show up at our house?”
“Shit- we don’t have makeup on!”
“It’s a bad idea anyway. It would hurt. And I’ve heard people regret it halfway down.”
“Ewww… that would suck. Maybe we could get a job at McDonalds then?”
“That’s practical. But what shoes would we wear?”
“Maybe getting practical shoes is our first step!”
“How though? We don’t drive.”
“Well…. Let’s start smaller. Maybe we could put more practical shoelaces in these shoes?”
“We do have that ball of brown yarn… brown is a practical color! We could make shoe laces out of that!”
“Yeah! And with the left over yarn we could make a bracelet!”
“Oh- and tie some around our finger as a ring! Everytime we see the ring we will remind ourself to be more practical!”
“YESSSS!!!” (Runs for ball of yarn & gets to work. Two hours later, the shoes are too loose cause the yarn isn’t strong enough & the bracelet & ring are soggy.)
“Fuck. I can’t keep wearing these. They itch. This doesn’t seem practical anymore.”
“It was a dumb idea.”
“What can we do then? We have to do SOMETHING practical or we’re gonna die!!!!”
“Maybe we could start by sending friend requests to people who work at McDonalds!”
“Oh- that is practical symbolism. Wait- how will we know if they work at McDonalds?”
“I don’t know… maybe we could start by sending friend requests to people whose names begin with Mac?”
“Yeah!!!”
“Wait… what if these people think we’re trying to have sex with them?”
“We could send them just to women?”
“They could think it too.”
“How do you have sex with a woman?”
“You stick your arm up their hole. It’s called fisting.”
“Fuck…. Everyone thinks I’m trying to fist them when really I just don’t want to die.”
“It’s embarrasing.”
“So what should we do?“
“Maybe first we should have a snack and think.
“Yes. A practi-snack!. Are pretzels practical?”
“Of course. They’re dry and crunchy.”
3 replies on “In My Head”
For a second I thought I was reading McSweeny’s. You should check them out, they pay top dollar.
“Fuck…. Everyone thinks I’m trying to fist them when really I just don’t want to die. It’s embarrasing.”
This was a very logical conclusion to this ride. The soultion may still be to just fist them, though.
[…] over how to become the most practical person that ever lived. But after weeks of agonizing all I could think of was to reorganize my mineral collection. By […]